Less Scared and Less Alone

[zengypsy]

Hi LIS:

Been off the boards all day. Doing a little retail therapy and went out with my friend tonight for finner and drinks.

What a story about your mom and dad. I think sometimes situations like that reconnect people. I will keep your dad in my prayers and hope he has a speedy recover.

And as for you, I hope you are doing ok.

((((HUGS))))

[wanda15]

LIS, hope you are doing okay! You are in my thoughts and prayers today. Hope everything with your dad is going better.

[lostinscared]

The story of my mom and dad is long. My dad separated from my stepmom for about a year some years back. Mom invited to the house for all the holidays and checked up on him to make sure that he was ok.

I, obviously, have been talking to my parents a lot over the last couple of months about my situation. My dad, in almost every conversation, admits regret about divorcing my mom. My mom says I just wish he had shown me any appreciation (she was the one who ended it). But they never stopped loving eachother and taking care of eachother (once my dad had finally got help for his alcoholism).

Anyway, I am doing ok. I thought it would be different when my H left than it is. I thought that we would cut the amount of contact, but I think we're talking more than he was living here. He calls a lot. We text a lot.

He was very conflicted about leaving and he looked liked someone shot his best friend. When he told me that he was leaving last week, he said it was probably over but didn't decide to file for divorce yet. When I saw the pain he was in about leaving, I couldn't take it. I know that I scared him when I told him that I needed him to leave. I asked him to call before he came here anymore. I told him that I didn't want to sound mean, but that I needed my space also.

***DB Alert*** I know I didn't follow the rules:

So, before leaving, I told him that he has to stop thinking that this is the end. I told him that we needed a break from one another. I said that we need to think about things on our own and hopefully stop blaming eachother for everything. I said that hopefully we learn some things and learn different ways to communicate and things will get better between us. He said, "I like that thinking."

So I'm not sure if it was good or bad, but he certainly called several times last night after he left. Of course, the girlfriend doesn't get into town until the 14th. So, I'm curious how things go. Truth is, though, I still have no solid proof of a relationship. Circumstantial evidence is all I have. Meaning, I wouldn't win in criminal court, but I have a shot in civil court

Hugs to you all. You really are the best friends I have right now. Many prayers and love to you all!

LIS

[lostinscared]

So... definitely one of the weirdest separations I ever heard of.

He called first thing this morning to ask if I wanted anything for breakfast. I didn't. Not because I'm playing any games, I just wasn't hungry. Then he knows I'm still struggling with migraine this weekend, so insisted on coming over to bring food and more medication (anti-nausea drug) that I ran out of.

Then, he is supposed to go to a friend's house for the SB. He asked me if he didn't go did I want to watch it together. I kind of recoiled and he said, "I'm pretty sure I'm going to friend's house, though."

He's called once since leaving. And texted several times.

Not sure what to make of this. He hates being alone. Maybe that could be it. But still a strange separation so far...

[lostinscared]

Oh and he packed enough clothes for this separation for like 3 days.

[dixiegal]

Lis,

Okay..I just caught up on your thread...Get that DB book out and start rereading it pronto! It's okay that your feeling like you are...but, know that he is super confused and not sure at all about staying gone. That's clear from his actions.

Your have to take the stance that you do not agree w/this. But, this is his choice. But, that you are moving forward with your life. So, since he is calling and texting so much...maybe don't answer all of them, be busy call him back kinda thing.

Your doing good LIS...I know this is so hard and confusing right now. It's the worst thing...But, we are here for ya!!

I'm praying for your Dad and your H. I'm praying for you!!!

You can do this...I know you can...just breathe and regroup

[lostinscared]

I started rereading DB the second he walked out - LOL!!!

I think that he's confused too. He really was struggling with walking out the door, but I couldn't figure out whether it was from guilt or an internal struggle with really wanting to be out of here. That's when I confronted him and told him that it was best for right now and gave him the speech I did above.

I have to answer the phone right now because he knows I am home. He knows that I have one of my killer migraines so he knows I can't go anywhere. Last time he took off for 4 days on his trip, I didn't answer all the phone calls and the texts and that's when things really took a turn for the worse. I don't understand why, but they did. During the week, it's definitely easier because I am gone a lot to the gym, so he doesn't get so insulted.

So... he called again a little while ago. He was letting me know that he was going to friend's house for SB. I told him that was great and he should have a great time. Then he texted me to remind me of an interview that I really wanted to see that was on. I was sleeping so it took awhile to answer that. Then I finally texted back. Then he called again. Asked how I was feeling and I said I wasn't much better, but I was still smiling. Then he said to call if I needed anything. I said hopefully you'll be too drunk to do anything for me because you are having a great time. Then he said he could turn around and come home right now. I said absolutely not that I promised I was fine.

Ok... me confused? Definitely! Again, not sure if this is guilt or what. But I am going to need to play this Bolt's way right now. I support whatever he wants but I'm always there to be his friend. Last time the distance didn't work. Not to mention that his chief complaint about the marital breakdown was my distance. (I am very comfortable with being alone and doing my own thing).

Monday morning first thing... I'm on the phone with a DB coach because I gotta tell you I'm sort of stumped.

Dixie, girl, are you still doing good?? I just have a big smile on my face because of you. Do you know how proud I am??? You are awesome!!!!

LIS

[2stepboogie]

Lost,

From a mans angel I will say that this could be combination of things.

1. Guilt
2. Confusion
3. Security
4. Comfort
5. Keeping a hold of something you have for sure because guys don't like to lose a sure thing, unless something else comes along.

I think the DB couch is a good idea, actually a very good idea.

He could be enjoying this a little bit because maybe now he gets to "breath" but still have you. Let us know what the DB coach says because I have some other opinions on this but I will hold out until you speak to them.

[Denver_2010]

I concur with everything that 2Step just said. Try not to worry about what is going on with him right now. That stuff are his worries for now. You worry about what you need to do.

BITS
Denver

[FellOnBlackDays]

Lost,
FOBD here. Well, I know that I have tried my best here to bring a positive spin on most things, but I want to dole out some reality here for you so that you can be prepared should this thing follow my own sitch. I am not saying this is going to happen, but I want you to have one example of how this could go so that you can be ready. I don't want to see my buddy all tore up again.

When my W left, she did the same exact thing. On the morning she moved out, we laid in bed together for two hours holding each other and crying. I left so she could pack without me present. She only packed enough stuff to cover the back seat of her car. I was so happy when I saw how little she took. I wasn't worried at all. If you remember from my original post, this was not the first time she had left. In the fall of 09, she moved to her mother's house for 7 weeks before returning home. I thought I was facing the same thing.

For three weeks after she left, we talked every morning and every night. We texted each other every day. Once a week, I would make dinner and she would come over. We would eat dinner holding hands, she would do laundry and we would eventually end up on the couch, spooning, watching TV. She was still wearing her rings.

During week four, something changed. She suddenly refused to come over for dinner. The calls stopped. She suddenly began telling me that if I wanted her to come over again, she would have to be allowed to go dark for two or three days before coming over. Things started to break down. When we would talk, there was no love in her words or eyes. I started to get worried.

During week five, she took her infamous little trip to Canada, told me that I could not talk to her while she was gone and started her EA with OM. When she returned, she was very cold, very distant. She later threw it in my face that she didn't take her wedding rings with her on the trip to Canada. She went to a wedding attending by 300 people and passed herself off as single.

During week six, she dropped the bomb. "We are through. Leave me alone." She said things to me that she would not have said to a murderer sitting on death row. She acknowledged the presence of the OM.

During week seven, she asked to come in the house to get a few things. If you remember, from my post, when I returned home that day, I found the house pretty much void of any of her possessions. She secretly had a moving team in place and she moved out while I was gone. This lead to my six weeks of darkness which went on through Thanksgiving and the Christmas holidays.

OK, what is FOBD's point here? Get ready for this possible pattern! Right now, he is scared and confused. He is already thinking that he is regretting moving out. But once he gets over this, things could turn ugly as you see here from my own situation.

Three weeks ago, my W told me that the day she moved out, she drove to a local city park, stopper her car under a tree and cried for two hours while sitting in the car. She could not find the strength to go put her stuff in the apartment she had rented. But she also went on to inform me that two weeks later, she knew we were finished and that she was never coming back.

Once again, why is FOBD telling me this??? Well, it is to get you ready for one possible way this could end. Remember,DBing does include preparing for the worst while hoping for the best. I can guarantee you that he will continue to contact you often for the next couple of weeks. This is to make himself feel better about his crappy sitch. But, where he will go from there is anyone's guess. Just be ready, sweetheart. I have grown to really enjoy our friendship. And I am not sure this will happen to you. But, not everything I will tell you will be sunshine and kisses all the time. Part of my job as your friend and a fellow BITS is to help you shore up your defenses before you get hit with a sneak attack. Please understand why I am doing this.

I will leave you with this. Despite how badly that went for me, my W and I are talking again. Albeit, it is always about furniture and logistics, but we are talking. So, there is light at the end of the tunnel even if it goes this route.

I hope your father is doing better. I will be pulling for him and you!!!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD