Be the Lighthouse

[Denver_2010]

>>>>>UPDATE ALERT <<<<<<<<

Summing up my update for Saturday so easier to read...

2/5/11

5:50 p.m. W just texted me about tomorrow.

W: "I'm not sure how i feel about going to your place to watch the game tomorrow since we haven't had any discussions about our situation. What are your thoughts?"

Me: "I understand how you feel. But I think that it would be nice to just hang out. So I'm not uncomfortable with it at all. I don't want you to be uncomfortable though. It is truly up to you. I would luv to have you guys over, but I will understand if you decide not to."

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It seems to me that W is trying to put the ball in my court on both, her coming over to watch SB AND R talk... Like I've said before, W does not like to initiate things like R talk.
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6:45 p.m. Well, I was right... my W was trying to put the ball in my court.

Further update...

W responded to my last text:

W: "I guess I just don't understand why you haven't initiated a conversation with me or tried to work things out. I don't want to pretend that there's nothing wrong. SS has hope every time we are together and that's not fair to him."

Me: "W, I'm just trying to give you all the space and time that you need for you and your happiness. I want nothing more than for us to reconnect and work things out."

"I understand why you left. I really do. I've been using our time apart to heal some things about myself that were there long before you and I met. That has been my focus. Bc if I haven't healed, then I can't be the person and husband that I want to be. I wasn't."

"But my silence on 'us' isn't bc I don't care. The opposite is true. It is the most important thing to me in this world. My silence has been out of respect for you and what you asked me for when you left."

"I would be excited to talk to you about 'us' if and when you are ready."

"I love you, SS, and my D more than anything (yes, even my dogs) and I want a new marriage with you... A better and healthier marriage. I believe in us 110%. Now more than ever actually."

"I bet that I just really made you not want to come over tomorrow. I hope not, buy again, I respect you and whatever you choose. Both tomorrow and in the future."
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8:30 p.m. W just responded via text...

W: "Had thought about seeing if you wanted to have dinner but time slipped by with Mel. We've been brainstorming music. We should talk though. Face to face."

Me: "I'd be happy to talk to you about it whenever and wherever... tonight, tomorrow... I guess what I"m saying is that I'm available. :)"

W: "Well, I'm home. Could leave SS alone, but that's probably bad idea with weather."

Me: "I'd suggest that you guys can come over, but not sure we'd be able to talk. Guess we could rent a movie for SS upstairs. Whatever you are comfortable with."

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Waiting to hear back. I'm either in for a major jump in progress towards reconciliation, or I'm in for a major bomb that will set me back a few hundred steps.

Very nervous here.
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9:15 p.m. So here's the latest. W just finished working on music with her band partner. She responds to my last text to her:

W: "I think that I'm too tired to talk tonight. Let me know if you'd like to meet sometime to talk though. Although I'd be fine watching the game tomorrow, I think it sends very mixed messages to you and SS, so I probably shouldn't. I appreciate the invitation but there are too many unresolved issue with us right now."

Me: "Ok. I understand. Maybe we can go to dinner and talk sometime next week?"

W: "Sure. Just let me know when you are thinking. I think that I'm going to crash soon. Too much wine with Mel as usual!"

Me: "Ok. Goodnight."

W: "night"
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What the hell?!!? Now coming over to watch the game "sends very mixed messages" to me?!?!? But just earlier in the night she's saying that she doesn't understand "why you haven't initiated a conversation with me or tried to work things out."!!!! What?! Those two very different statements DON'T send mixed messages W?!

F&#*$&ing seriously!!! This damn WAS syndrome needs a cure. This is ridiculous.

I know that I f'd up in our M, but how much punishment do I really deserve?!

Sorry... just venting.

BITS
Denver