I have done everything wrong....

[Denver_2010]

Good idea on how you are planning on handling the bills. Emails that are SHORT AND TO THE POINT.

Suggestion on your taxes... Just wait... file for an extension if you need to. I think that's what I am going to do unless sitch takes a dramatic turn for the better in the next month.

TIME is your best friend right now Islander. Use it for something positive. For yourself.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

^^^^

[islander]

I know she wants to do the taxes now and I am inclined to do them sooner than later. We are going to owe money and I know she has the money to pay what we owe now.

[Denver_2010]

Then send her your stuff and let her do them. She's the one not working on the M, why should you stress about the taxes? Tell her that you're fine filing for an extension, but if she wants to take care of them, go for it.

I know that I'm telling you to play a little hard ball here. I'm not telling you to be rude about it though. Always be polite. I'm just saying that your sitch was not your decision. Your W should feel some consequences.

Of course if you just read what I updated on my thread about what I said to my W, you will see that I completely understand that it is easier said than done. I think that I just made my own DB mistake.

Take care man.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

You are right about advice being easier to give than to take. I used to give good advice, but now I realize that I can't even take the advice I would give.

I think I will tell her to do the taxes, and then she can drop them off for me to sign, and I can mail them.

Denver, you told your wife alot of the same things that I wanted to tell my wife.

[Grocerykartman]

Islander,

Let me offer you two more cents, I guess I'm well on my way up to a buck now at least.

I think if you need to get the taxes done now, get the taxes done now. I don't say that to disagree with Denver, I say that only because taxes are a chore you need to get off your plate, and if worrying about your taxes is going to be an additional stressor for YOU, eliminate that stress from your life. You are correct, you can't avoid her entirely, and you need to be cooperative with her when it comes to handling these matters. But that's as far as your conversations need to go with her. You must be as careful as you've ever been with anything to not straddle the line between business and personal then.

You are doing great with the going dark, hang in there! But you are correct, like I said above, you can't stay dark forever.

Back to your inclination to write the letter, allow me to offer you a couple more thoughts. First, my WAW also apologized many times too over the guilt she had, sorry for wrecking things, sorry for scrwewing up all our plans, etc. But actions speak louder than words from her end too, and ultimately, the apologies have never been truly backed up with the one thing I needed her to do, which was give up the OM on her own volition. There was always an "I will give him up, I can give him up, I will give him up IF"...."

So while it is certainly not a bad sign that you are getting these texts, and your going dark is at least making her reach out to you in some manner, you're not obligated to respond to each message she sends you that you're not sure how to respond to. If you are too hurt at any given moment to respond back with anything but either melty-man drivel or unattractive anger, then don't. I think you can beleive she is sorry, but for now, I think your best bet is to take it with a "duly noted" attitude and stay as dark as possible. Her actions would need to be what prompts you out of darkness, not her words.

Also, there are two things that haunt me to this day that I did while I was in the crux of the strife I felt with WAW and OM. The first thing was confronting him...it did not go well, I actually became a cursing, spitting, pyscho, which just egged the idiot on even more. But the second was a letter I sent to WAW, basically condemning her for staying involved with OM, jeapordizing our family, not appreciating the pursuing I was doing, etc. Right after I sent it, and it didn't resonate with her in the way I wanted, (which was for her to basically to snap out of this OM stupor and see the light), I immediately felt like an idiot and wished I'd never written it. I knew all it did was make her feel worse, and the last thing she wanted to do was try to work it out with me knowing I felt that way. Looked weak and unattractive, and it was. To this day I don't know what I was really thinking, except that I felt the wheels were coming off and I didn't know any other way to stanch the bleeding. But it didn't work, and I noticed a sharp increase in the time she spent with OM following it.

I am against sending the letter from personal experience, but also intellectually. Not saying you'd have an identical feeling, but if she doesn't respond to it the way you want, how are you going to deal with it then?

I wish you well man. These are among the toughest of the tough times, when you have to fight the urge to lay out all your emotion to her. But I really think you have to remain dark.

You can do this.

[Denver_2010]

Well Islander, what I said to my W tonight was probably too much. And even if it wasn't, please remember that my situation is a few steps ahead of where your's is right now.

If I had said those same things to my W at the beginning of December, she would have responded by telling me things like "there is no hope for our M", "you need to move on", "you can't win me back", and then I wouldn't have heard from her AT ALL.

I went almost completely dark from right around December 1 through December 23 and I never initiated any contact during that time. From Dec 23 through about January 22nd, my W began to warm up a little. During that I time I still never initiated contact unless it was about my SS. She began to contact me during that time over little things like how I make my spaghetti sauce or some application on our cell phones. Things that she didn't need to be contacting me about. The point is, I think that she began to miss me a little during that period.

Since January 23rd, things have really thawed. My W and I have started to have actual conversations. Not about R, but just what is going on with each other etc. Friendly conversations. And then last weekend, January 30th, I finally tested the waters to see if she would consider spending a little time with me. I asked her to take SS to see movie together.

Finally, tonight, she's asking me why I'm not initiating R talk or trying to fix things.

So you see the progression here. You have to be patient. I know that it's the hardest thing in the world to do. It hurts like hell when you can't think of anything else but your W and/or your M. I know man. I went through it. I'm still going through it.

Just do things that DB recommends and be PATIENT. Let your situation progress at its own pace. It may happen more quickly than mine, or it may take a lot longer... or it may not happen at all. The point is, is that you can't control it. You can't dictate what is going to happen. All you can control is what you do. Use the time wisely. Work on you. Enjoy life the best that you can. It will get easier. And it will get better. You will be happy again. That much I can promise you.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

Thanks for all of your advice. Going dark is the hardest thing I have done. I know that I could call W right now and we could probably have a decent conversation, but that is not what I want. I want my W and my M back. I want my W to miss me and realize what she is giving up, and a decent conversation is not going to make her feel anything for me. Sometimes she will call me for random things that she knows the answer to, or something trivial. But is never to tell me she made a mistake.

I don't want to completely alienate her. Going dark seems like walking a fine line. I just know that if I continue these conversations whenever she feels the need, I will never get anywhere. She will always be in control.

Denver, I know you are miles ahead of me. I hope to be in your sitch one day.

Grocery, as of right now, I am not going to send the letter. I will let my actions speak for me now, not my words. I also will not contact OM.

Do you have any thoughts on contacting OMs W, or should I just leave that alone and focus on myself. (this may have already been asked and answered, sorry).

[Grocerykartman]

I wouldn't contact his W, either. I know it seems like it would feel good at times to try to get back at him, but that is just wasting time you should be using to detach yourself. All that will do is keep you thinking about thse terrible things. I personally don't see where any good can come from it.

[Denver_2010]

I agree with Grocery on your question about contact the OM's W. I wouldn't. Always ask yourself what you hope to accomplish by any act that you are contemplating or any words that you are thinking of saying.

I know that going dark does not feel good, but it is necessary. Your W does need to miss you. She needs time to come to that point. Give it to her.

BITS
Denver