Situation Normal; All Flummoxed Up

[crushednstuck]

WS, I appreciate your optimism especially in light of our copyright infringement on your interaction with your W. Guess its good to know the path has been trodden before.

I'll check the validating video for tips.

[crushednstuck]

Updating - after some useful coaching, the last week went fairly well. I have tried to limit contact with W as I move forward with my own life. There have been few occasions to spark conflict, but the next week is tough. D's birthday is coming up and we've set up a sleepover here at the house for her and her friends. It's technically W's weekend with the kids, but I'll need to be around to help and she will need to be around to hostess since her place won't accommodate many kids. W told me today she would come by to set up, when I'm not here. Not real comfortable with that, but the financial situation still gives her some claim on home ownership.

FIL called late Friday night to ask if he could make the 2 hour trip over to see my S's bball game at 8am this morning. I was psyched that he is still comfortable calling me directly. And of course the kids love seeing him. He stayed to join all for breakfast and I broke the new rule of eating with W, since most conflict happens across the table lately (I have the kids this weekend). Wasn't comfortable excluding his daughter from breakfast. I was further buoyed when he took me aside after breakfast to ask if he could come over and help around the yard, since I have little time to do much. He was clear to ask for the time when he knew I had the kids and when he could stay here at "my" house. I know W will go nuts, but I can't be worried. I'm over trying to win people for my corner. Although I know she'll see it that way. Just wondering if I should sidestep that sitch.

D nearly just broke my heart. She said to me, "Mommmy said you and her would be back together for my birthday". I replied, "Daddy would love that but you don't have to worry, we both love you very much." D responded, "She pinky-promised". Clearly there was a misunderstanding in my D's wonderful 8-year old brain, but I was a little taken aback still by the slight chance of W's return. This make me feel uncomfortable, since I still have emotion tied up in stuff that is so seemingly remote right now.

The pastor at tonight's service was discussing Solomon and was emphasizing the importance of embracing "the now" or at least living in the moment. But he alarmingly said, "if there has been some relationship that you have put so much energy into and expended all your resources with no positive result, then let them go. There are some people you simply can not reach." Wow. Lightning bolts.

So I have much to mull over tomorrow as I prepare the house for next week's party. It is pure drudgery since it will definitely not meet W's approval, just like every other project I stupidly pursued to satisfy her. So the challenge will be to do the best I can and let the digs and slights roll off like water off a duck's back. I better wrap the da*n duck in kevlar and gore-tex.

[crushednstuck]

Backsliding. Hard.

I continue to be surprised at the willingness of my W to inflict pain and hurt. We were forced together by my D's slumber party last weekend. W insisted on staying in the back room.

The weekend started poorly when she began slamming my tools that I'd been keeping in the laundry room. The house looked great save for some folded laundry on the couch and my D's damp carpet from me shampooing it. Fan blades dusted, floors washed, sheets clean and she raged about the few small things undone. I then asked her to leave and she screamed "you'll never get the house!" and she refused.

The house is underwater. I had been trying to move finances around so that I can take on all household expenses since she has still been paying power and cable. This was met with shreiks of my selfishness. In fact, all the efforts I've made to GAL and extricate myself so she can be more independent have been met the selfishness blast. In fact, I was told I was one of the most selfish people she'd ever met.

I was also surprised to hear that I was "torturing her". And that I should "let her go". Well I wasn't aware of the former and have been attempting the latter for a year. I guess my unwillingness to call it quits and file is a method of torture.

Though I'm pi**ing her off by trying to validate her complaints and dropping the rope, she still manages to get the hooks in. Apparently I had a chance to get her back from OM but she's now lost all hope. I failed perform well enough during her affair to get her back. It's bizarre, but these things have begun to hurt my feelings again.

So she moves out but I can't get rid of her sh*t because she said its time for me to move out so she can come back after a year. I really want to get away from her now because I'm doubting my ability to reconcile even if she wanted to start talking.

Like MHL, my W rarely admitted fault and demanded unqualified apologies from me. It's apparent she will likely not take any responsibility for her part in the failure of our M.

How do I continue to detach when W says she ready to file yet is still monitoring my phone?

[tadpole1025]

Though I'm pi**ing her off by trying to validate her complaints and dropping the rope, she still manages to get the hooks in. Apparently I had a chance to get her back from OM but she's now lost all hope. I failed perform well enough during her affair to get her back. It's bizarre, but these things have begun to hurt my feelings again.

Me too buddy. I apparently had TWO chances. Of course, I didn't know about them until she moved out.

Like MHL, my W rarely admitted fault and demanded unqualified apologies from me. It's apparent she will likely not take any responsibility for her part in the failure of our M.

How do I continue to detach when W says she ready to file yet is still monitoring my phone? [/quote]

[tadpole1025]

Forgot to take the last two paragraphs off.

Sorry.

[Mach1]

I continue to be surprised at the willingness of my W to inflict pain and hurt. We were forced together by my D's slumber party last weekend. W insisted on staying in the back room.

Yea, these MLCers are pretty good at that. Outwardly, they are this pillar of strength-a mask-that they wear for everyone to see.

But it's just a mask, and wouldn't surprise me that most of that came from what you wrote below....

The weekend started poorly when she began slamming my tools that I'd been keeping in the laundry room. The house looked great save for some folded laundry on the couch and my D's damp carpet from me shampooing it. Fan blades dusted, floors washed, sheets clean and she raged about the few small things undone. I then asked her to leave and she screamed "you'll never get the house!" and she refused.

One can only give outwardly, what they feel inwardly...

What it must feel like to come to a place that she called, and in most cases still calls, home. Only to find that life has moved on without her in the picture, for the most part.

That your life moved forward , with little regard to where she was...

That's a little bit of a sting to anyone, let alone an MLCer, who is looking for a reason to lash out.

She walked into that house expecting to find it a disaster, with you laying on the couch crying because she was gone. Wanting to be the Messiah. and rescue the party, from your sloth.

That didn't happen, so she became victimized by you. And was actively looking for SOMETHING to make her the heroine.

She found one.....

Because you gave her one...

Don't be too eager to give away your power...

In fact, I was told I was one of the most selfish people she'd ever met.

LMAO........Are you ?

I was also surprised to hear that I was "torturing her". And that I should "let her go". Well I wasn't aware of the former and have been attempting the latter for a year. I guess my unwillingness to call it quits and file is a method of torture.

Though I'm pi**ing her off by trying to validate her complaints and dropping the rope, she still manages to get the hooks in. Apparently I had a chance to get her back from OM but she's now lost all hope. I failed perform well enough during her affair to get her back. It's bizarre, but these things have begun to hurt my feelings again.

Just try and back away from it when it happens...

You have been at this long enough to know the early warning signs of that.

Fisherman....what was that....

Blah , Blah , Blah ??

Picture that coming out of her mouth the next time she speaks like that. Smile ,and say you are sorry she feels that way.

The thing is, that with understanding MLC, you should be prepared for these kinds of interactions....

In time, the only surprise will be which one of her BS lines she will try to pin on you next....

Most of us here have stood in that room and heard those words...

The only thing you can do is change your reaction..

How do I continue to detach when W says she ready to file yet is still monitoring my phone?

You keep doing the things you have been lately..

If she is THAT angry with you, then you are doing something right.

As far as the phone ? Been there. It is part of keeping one eye on you, while keeping the other on whacked out options.

Accept what you are dealing with, weatherproof your feathers, and take a step today bro...

[ericmsant2]

Crushed,
I have been a away from the boards for a while now….living my life, dealing with the anger and (my key point)…still learning how to deal with someone who is in a crisis.
That said, the first thing I want to say is this….
Why do you give a f*ck what she thinks about you? Is it true? Did it sting? I bet most of it did not. You know the drill for those pieces (if any) that did sting – look at it.
Remember you are dealing with someone who must justify her actions, must project how SHE feels on YOU. You are still dealing with someone in a crisis that is in pain. You are dealing with someone who at this point (and that my friend is the key part…”this point”) is lost.

I continue to be surprised at the willingness of my W to inflict pain and hurt.

Believe it or not, sometime I am still amazed at what my STBXW will say and do. Over a year and a half in the same house and you would think that she would have gotten rid of the anger. Nope. This may sound harsh, especially when you consider that I am saying this about someone who I spent 18 years with….Crushed, your W is not the same person right now. Learn to ACCEPT that she has choosen to change who she is. You have done the same…have you not? You decided to stand for your M, YOU decided to live your life a certain way. The faster you can wrap your head around the fact that nothing SHE does should change what YOU do…the faster these outburst will not hurt as much. FWIW, I feel for ya man….I’ve been there. It does get better. As much as you can limit your interactions (remember…DETACH for YOU…to protect YOUR emotions).

The weekend started poorly when she began slamming my tools that I'd been keeping in the laundry room.

Do not be afraid of her Crushed. Do not be afraid to stand YOUR ground. Question: How would you deal with a spoiled teenager?

I then asked her to leave and she screamed "you'll never get the house!" and she refused.

Honestly dude…next time call the cops! Harsh? Maybe…but the reality is that your children or you do not need to tolerate this type of behavior.
As for the house, she can scream and b*tch all she wants – IF you want the house – stay in it. Look man, I used to allow the guilt of my past mistakes to haunt me. They drove my choices…in part because I was trying to make amends for some of my mistakes. Nothing YOU do right now Crushed will be enough for her. Nothing. You could have given her the house, allowed OM to sleep in the same bed with you…it would not have matter. She is in pain, and in HER MIND YOU are the cause of all of it. Let GO dude.

The house is underwater. I had been trying to move finances around so that I can take on all household expenses since she has still been paying power and cable.

WOW – I’m in the same boat dude – my MLCer pays the electric and oil. All other expenses are paid by me.

This was met with shreiks of my selfishness. In fact, all the efforts I've made to GAL and extricate myself so she can be more independent have been met the selfishness blast. In fact, I was told I was one of the most selfish people she'd ever met.

Are you sure she is not related to my W? LOL – Seriously dude, of course your going to be selfish in HER mind. I mean, she probably expected you to pay all the bills and help make it nice and easy for her to do what ever she wants to do. Once again, ever deal with a teenager? Ya know, they want and want but do not want to deal or face the consequences of their actions. Same thing dude. As hard as it is, let it roll off your back. Come to accept that in her eye nothing you do will be right. I think the bigger issue for you to look at is….are you still doing things for HER or has Crushed finally said “f*ck it”..I am going to live my life as the MAN THAT I WANT TO BE. When you start doing that….nothing she, I or anyone else says will matter.

I was also surprised to hear that I was "torturing her". And that I should "let her go". Well I wasn't aware of the former and have been attempting the latter for a year. I guess my unwillingness to call it quits and file is a method of torture.

Of course your “torturing her”! You are not giving her want she wants. You are forcing her to own her choices. Can you say teenager? As for filing…..you do what you want to do. If you do not want to file and do not want a divorce – then don’t. The only thing I would say is protect yourself. Do not fall into the trap of….”Nah she wouldn’t do that”….protect yourself and your children.

she still manages to get the hooks in.

You a victim? She gets the hooks in because you let her get them in. You’re a big guy buddy…do not let this chit get to you.

So she moves out but I can't get rid of her sh*t because she said its time for me to move out so she can come back after a year.

Hey…you can always move her chit into the garage so that you do not have to look at it.

I really want to get away from her now because I'm doubting my ability to reconcile even if she wanted to start talking.

Then get away from her. Take the anger that you have an apply it towards figuring out a better way to limit your interactions with her. For example:
1) Restrict her access to the house – she left so YOUR house is no longer hers.
2) YOUR time with the kids should be YOUR time with the kids. Stop trying (if you are) to act like some happy fu*king family that has no issues. Call if what it is…she left, has OM and you are becoming the best man you can be. Period. Stop trying to cover up her mistakes.
As for the reconciliation….I have no idea if you can or will. What I can say is that you are still too emotionally attached right now to make that choice (at least IMO). You never know what will happen in the future. What I do KNOW is this……YOU DECIDE CRUSHED – YOU and ONLY YOU.

Like MHL, my W rarely admitted fault and demanded unqualified apologies from me. It's apparent she will likely not take any responsibility for her part in the failure of our M.

Add like ericmsant2 wife too…..look man, my W has been f*cking her boss for over a year now. To this day she will not admit it. To this day she has not taken ownership for any mistakes on her part in the M. My point in this comment is to remind you that many of these MLCer’s are like this. My other point (and the one I pray and hope that you really think about) is…..
Are you changing because you hope she will?
Did you admit your role in this to get her back OR to become a better person for YOU?
Does her lack of ownership change anything YOU do?
Think about this Crushed……Me…personally….I came to these boards to save my marriage….as many have said…what I saved was myself. What I save was me. Stop Crushed looking at her….stop letting her actions drive YOURS. Be yourself…be Crushed….and FTR, it is the hardest thing that you will do…but the most rewarding.

How do I continue to detach when W says she ready to file yet is still monitoring my phone?

How do you detach?......Hmmmmm…..it starts with one word……ACCEPTANCE…..

ACCEPTANCE that you are responsible for your actions and life – not those of another.
ACCEPTANCE that you cannot control the actions, thoughts, feelings, words…nada…nothing…of someone else.
ACCEPTANCE that Crushed….this is really YOUR life…YOU CHOOSE everything IN IT and everything NOT in it.
ACCEPTANCE that forgiveness….is such a wonderful gift…

God Bless,
Eric

[cat04]

I continue to be surprised at the willingness of my W to inflict pain and hurt.

Please be careful with this kind of thinking. Yes her actions and words are inflicting pain, but I always have to question the motives behind it. The intention.

With MLC, I don't know that there really is true intention most of the time, because there is not really rational thought.

Though I'm pi**ing her off by trying to validate her complaints and dropping the rope, she still manages to get the hooks in. Apparently I had a chance to get her back from OM but she's now lost all hope.

You control you, your thoughts, your actions, and your feelings. If she is getting her hooks in, it is because you are letting her.

I know it is hard, especially when they dangle reconciliation in your face, but trust me, I heard that too. I don't believe it was true.

I could have been the Goose that laid the Golden Eggs, and it would not have been true.

Just a way to get at us, because kinder methods aren't working so well.

When they know it doesn't hurt you any more, it will stop.

How do I continue to detach when W says she ready to file yet is still monitoring my phone?

You just do it. It is part of you moving forward, for you.

[crushednstuck]

Thanks for the feedback all. I really needed to fill up the tanks here again. Last weekend really tested my resolve. While I was proud of a lot of my reactions, I also got upset at myself that I let her into my head.

I was scared. My spouse went ape and showed a side I'm not familiar with (unless she's drunk). I have always avoided rocking the boat and conflict with her was sidestepped. This obviously contributed to our downfall. So I see elements of my attempts at detachment failing the way I did in my M.

[/quote]Honestly dude…next time call the cops![/quote]

Stone cold tutu-wearing gangsta, Eric! That's a bit hard core right now because I do try to maintain a good R with her family. This might be viewed negatively eventhough it may be warranted at some point. Good to have you back man.

[crushednstuck]

Updating. W is talking D. Discussing disposition of liabilities and who owns what. Ominous.
A week ago she managed to pull me into it. I backslid and paid dearly. Not angry, but contested her assertions. I have yet to learn to stay zipped. But the notion that I'm selfish because I attempt to take ownership of my sitch and create a new life is maddening. She's beaten this horse to a messy pulp. My attempts at detaching are continually viewed as confirmation of her need to bail out.

Back to square one. But this time I appear to closer to D. W claims "I'm torturing her". Well, at least it's not me claiming to be victim.

I was re-reading DR and the LRT. Michelle claims there are three reactions to the last resort technique; sudden return, curiosity and ignorance. I will add flat out rage. W calls me selfish for not making her a priority - just like in our M. The difference is that I was selfish when walking away from her rage during our M; now I am walking away and creating her anger.