Over discussion about dinner expenses, I gave my wife back the $100 she gave me for my cleaning services.
W: No, no, no...you need it. You don't have a job. M: You know my principles regarding this. I've told you before what they are. W: Don't be proud. I know you need the money. M: Like I said, you know my principles...I don't want to be paid by my family.
And this started my wife on a deeper relationship conversation about my "principles". She said that we're not husband/wife anymore. And I reminded her what my principle is (funny I have to keep reminding her) - God is the only one to who can relinqush our bond to each other. Spiritually she'll always be my wife. I reaffirmed to her that I do respect what she wants to do. As for me, I have an oath to God to fulfill. I didn't do so before, but now I want to fulfill my part of my vow to Him. My wife then says something like, "Hmm, later you're going to fall in love, and what then?...You're crazy."
She then said that our vows were to each other and not to God; we did it the old fashioned way, so God doesn't apply here, I.e. We're not accountable to God. Then I added that I don't think when that text in the Bible was written, God only came into the picture when a couple vows to Him. The idea is all marriages - vowed, witnessed or however - are united by Him. She added that the next person she marries, she will make sure they're vows will be to God. This really hurt me so much inside, but I kept my cool.
She also said, somewhere in this conversation, that I'll always be like family to her...father of our son.
Ugghh, I just want to give up sometimes, but all I have to do is look at my son and it gives me further reason to stay ahead of the game. Or try to. I'm not having a good evening, and I don't know if my wife is actually for real when she says all these things, or is awesome at masking. Is it possible for a wife to have zero, and I mean, ZERO spousal affection/feelings just like that? The wives in the porn addiction forum I frequent would seem to say a resounding YES. I know I have to stay positive, but sheesh, this is the worst and best challenge of my short life.
If you look at my wife's behavior from my earlier posts, she still treats me like we're still married, especially for things that can be a convenience for her, but no affection of any kind, no kind words. Even at the dinner table today, she'd tell me about her day at work (she was on call today), but when I tell her that my parents called and said hi and hope she feels better (she was not well more than a week ago), she says, "Whatever" under her own breath. Now I know she hates them (long story), but this attitude is downright rude.
I have a feeling/theory that when she is nice to me, like saying she's worried about me not having a job, making sure I have adequate time with our son, etc, it might her way of just maintaing the status quo and nothing more, until she can move out. Some WASs retract all forms of affection, while others still give hugs, and small gestures of kindness.
