Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

[Queen_of_Swords]

So today is ok. In good mood. Even though something not good occurred and kind of threw me into adrenaline/danger mode even though it was pretty minor. Still need to work on ratcheting that down when it happens.

Something weird is happening internally with my thought process though. I'm getting to the "I don't give a crap" stage with regard to H, after writing what I wrote above.

I think it's finally sunk in I can't change his view of me and nor should I even try.

I've done a lot of work on me already and will for the rest of my life continue to addresss things that pop up as needed as far as stinking thinking, childhood trauma, old fears, and old abreactions and pattens of behaviour are concerned. I'm not perfect, perfection is unattainable. I will strive to be the best me I can, that's all that's open to me.

Dr. Wayne Dyer has a phrase in his book Excuses Begone ,that's echoing over and over in my mind today and right now and that phrase is : "What you think of me is none of my business."
Another phrase that pops up is: "Who matters doesn't mind, who minds doesn't matter."

This means I don't have to go out of my way to be nasty to others or those that love me.

It does mean I need to work on the four virtues better and cultivate a reverence for all life ( no harm or wishes of harm to others), natural sincerity, gentleness (kindness), and supportiveness ( how may I serve?).

[Grace_O]

SC,

Glad to hear you are in an ok place today.

Don't be surprised if you vascillate for quite awhile to come. Then again, you may not. Just take it easy on yourself.

When it's all said and done just be the best expression of you.

HUGS

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thank you Grace.
Yeah I imagine I'll be vacillating and oscillating for a while. I don't understand why anyone thinks the process of separation and divorce is easy. We so easily shrug it off when it's someone else, but when it happens to us it's like the house fell in on us.

[Grace_O]

I think that those who think the process is easy haven't really had any direct experience with it.

Your house reference makes me think of "The Wizard of Oz". Does this mean I can play the wicked witch of the west with flare? <hair flip>. Just kidding

[Queen_of_Swords]

I have a question.
On Wednesday night when H dropped off the kids from his visitation with them, I mentioned I had to work on the weekend for a couple hours.

Now, I seldom ever ask H to watch the kids for me, I make other arrangements.
I figure,when/if it's all said and done I'm going to be alone anyway and will have to deal with all the logistics of child care/raising as it is so I may as well get used to not relying on him and causing myself pain by the contact.

He has his regular visitation that we agreed to.


My question is this: My H said that he'd be willing to watch the kids for me so I could work this weekend.
Now, is that an opening to me, or just an offer because he wants to see the kids more?

[Grace_O]

SC,

I would look at it as his taking the opportunity to spend more time with the kids. It sounds like your H is taking a more active role with the kids. So, I would look at it as a kid thing and let it go.

You are trying to mind read. Please, don't. It will make you so crazy. You don't/can't know what he's thinking. When he says or clearly does something that shows you an opening, then it's up to you how to handle it.

Bottom line, you know him, I don't.

I will tell you that my H has (when I have asked) been there to watch D's. I have also allowed him visits in my home (out house) to be with them. Has it meant anything with regards to me? No.

Am I insane? Uh, that would be a yes.

HUGS

It sounds like your H is taking a more active role with the kids. So, I would look at it as a kid thing and let it go.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Ok today I'm thinking...
I've been dark for almost four weeks, although not completely. I don't text, I don't email, I don't initiate contact.

He phones every night to say goodnight to the kids, and I answer the phone. I'm pleasant and not very chatty.I'm the first to terminate conversation.

However not much appears to be happening.
Is it time to not just go dark, but black?

[Grace_O]

With kids at all, let alone young ones, how do you see this working?

[Queen_of_Swords]

Well I have a couple options.
Don't pick up the phone and let the machine pick it up and get the kids to call back.
Allow the kids to start picking up the phone instead of me.

All I know is that part of what caused this situation in the first place was emotional distance, and what I've done now for the last 3+ weeks hasn't increased communication frequency or type.

Either I'm not "gone" enough, or I'm too far "gone" and he's totally unconcerned and uninterested no matter what I do.

[cat04]

Scylla,

Three weeks, isn't enough time for some MLCer's to change their underwear let alone communication styles.

My H and I did not speak, other than minimal grunts and angry angry words for over a year before he was able to even call me "hey" to get my attention.

To which I always replied "I have a name."

You need to find patience. With him, with yourself, with the process...