Warning ahead of time, I'm on drugs because of a killer migraine...
Go back and read DR. That's what I started doing and I saw things that I forgot about. Specifically, how we can influence our spouse's behaviors. MWD says that we know the buttons to push to get negative behavior and now we need to figure out what buttons to push for the positive behaviors. You know the buttons, SIC, that are annoying her. You have free will. You have the ability to push whatever buttons you want. But you sound like you want your wife back and so, I would stay away from those buttons. The problem is that you know the bad buttons, but you think that they should be good buttons, so you keep pushing... I think that you're hoping that eventually they will get the response that you want. IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. How do I know? I did the same exact thing. My H left. So please know that I'm not judging you. I so understand the alone feeling and just wanting all of this to end. But through our impatience, we will force it all to end, but not in the way we want. So, it's time for you to step back and start the goal setting that MWD talks about. So, now, one of my goals is that my H and I will have dinner out together in the next 2 months. I am thinking long and not short. I will need to deal with the short-term pain to hopefully have the long-term gain that I am looking for (my marriage restored).
In order to avoid the vast majority of the emotional abuse that you are experiencing is to avoid the bad buttons. What you said to your W, did you know she's probably viewing that as emotional warfare also? She is getting defensive because she probably believes she is being played. She might be thinking, "why couldn't he appreciate me the way I wanted before." She might be thinking, "I'm more than beautiful, there's so much more to me, why can't he see that." I don't have a clue what is going through her mind. But what I do know is that she is reacting badly to those types of comments because they are hurting her in some way. That may sound logical to you. Doesn't exactly sound logical to me. BUT, that's just the way it is.
I'm so sorry for your pain. You and I are on the same timeline and I pretty much know where you are. It is God-awful and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But we're here to support one another and help one another. As long as you are here, you are not alone. We care very much about what is happening to you.
