DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support 2

[Bolt]

SIC, dude. DUDE.

pursuing will push her away. I remember when I did almost the exact same thing. Then I realized that wasn't working. Remember going down cheeseless holes? You're going down one! Find another one or you will push her away even more.

Unless you want to push her away?

It doesn't seem like you do. Keep those thoughts (for now) to yourself and tell US! We won't run away from you. We'll support you and listen. She obviously doesn't want to right now.

Hate to be so tough on you but you have to stop. I literally yelled at my computer screen when I was reading your post to stop!

I believe you when YOU say why you got married but remember, she's an alien right now. She doesn't feel that way (right now). By you pushing her, you are justifying her thoughts of leaving.

By detaching, you give her doubt. Dude, I feel that it was working when she was "checking up on you". Let her be curious! That's EXACTLY what happened with my W. I let her be curious and she came to me. I didn't push or pursue and things are working better. Still a work in progress but it's progress.

We have your back!!

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks Bolt, just in a bad place right now.

My gut tells me there is no chance, and that I'm wasting my time, energy and continuing to have my heart hurt.

I just want this to end...I want my W back and I'm sick of being "alone".

I'm going to keep trying, but these moments are very difficult. I'm not sure how much of the emotional abuse I can take?

[lostinscared]

SIC,

Warning ahead of time, I'm on drugs because of a killer migraine...

Go back and read DR. That's what I started doing and I saw things that I forgot about. Specifically, how we can influence our spouse's behaviors. MWD says that we know the buttons to push to get negative behavior and now we need to figure out what buttons to push for the positive behaviors. You know the buttons, SIC, that are annoying her. You have free will. You have the ability to push whatever buttons you want. But you sound like you want your wife back and so, I would stay away from those buttons. The problem is that you know the bad buttons, but you think that they should be good buttons, so you keep pushing... I think that you're hoping that eventually they will get the response that you want. IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. How do I know? I did the same exact thing. My H left. So please know that I'm not judging you. I so understand the alone feeling and just wanting all of this to end. But through our impatience, we will force it all to end, but not in the way we want. So, it's time for you to step back and start the goal setting that MWD talks about. So, now, one of my goals is that my H and I will have dinner out together in the next 2 months. I am thinking long and not short. I will need to deal with the short-term pain to hopefully have the long-term gain that I am looking for (my marriage restored).

In order to avoid the vast majority of the emotional abuse that you are experiencing is to avoid the bad buttons. What you said to your W, did you know she's probably viewing that as emotional warfare also? She is getting defensive because she probably believes she is being played. She might be thinking, "why couldn't he appreciate me the way I wanted before." She might be thinking, "I'm more than beautiful, there's so much more to me, why can't he see that." I don't have a clue what is going through her mind. But what I do know is that she is reacting badly to those types of comments because they are hurting her in some way. That may sound logical to you. Doesn't exactly sound logical to me. BUT, that's just the way it is.

I'm so sorry for your pain. You and I are on the same timeline and I pretty much know where you are. It is God-awful and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But we're here to support one another and help one another. As long as you are here, you are not alone. We care very much about what is happening to you.

Take care and I am praying for you.

LIS

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks LIS. I plan to re-read DR when my W goes away at the end of the month, because I'll have a lot of free time.

I hear what your saying, I just struggle to believe that my W is "hurt" by my words. I'm saying nice things, nothing really sexual or inappropriate. The only thing I can think is that she just doesn't want to hear those things, because like she says, "She doesn't love me and she's not attracted to me" so it probably is hard for her to her me tell her that she's beautiful.

Today is the first day in a few weeks that I've felt like crying, feeling depressed and worthless.

Is there someone out there that would love me for who I am, and want the attention that makes my W "feel sick"?

This isn't what I wanted in my life, I had everything and I feel it slipping through my fingers. I just have to enjoy my little princesses as much as I can, and prepare for the worst.

I think if any of you knew my W you would understand my despair. She is amazing person, but when makes a choice she sticks with that...

[punchy]

SIC...

My wife struts around in those same Lulu Lemon workout pants. Drives me absolutely crazy, but as hard as it is, I just try and ignore it. She actually just walked by in a pair. Hard to believe that up until 15 months ago I could just reach out and grab a handful.
Not being able to touch or even hug is hard to deal with on a daily basis. What drives me crazy is when we are at a family function and my BILs all get to hug her when I don't.

I also have to stop all pursuing and detach more. The pursuing just sets us up for failure and disappointment.

[angel61]

SIC, remember that when we say ILY, we say nice things to our spouses, they feel PRESSURED.

They feel that they have to reciprocate, but cannot, and so they go overboard to try to stop us from saying those things again.

Some WAS even recognize it. My H told me in exactly those words.

They actually say nasty words, do nasty things to discourage us from expecting, from hoping, even if they are not those kind of people normally. They run because they cannot bear to hurt us, not realizing that when they do, the hurt is still there but they just won't see it. But at least they do not have to actively hurt us.

We have to accept that as of this exact time, they DO NOT FEEL LOVE for us. That is why we read a lot about validating their feelings, agreeing to what theyfeel, letting them know we believe what they are going through, and understand.

That is why we want to change, maybe go back and become what we were when they first fell for us, maybe find what we have not fulfilled in the M for them. We cannot force them to love us, but if we are loavble, who knows? In the meantime, we keep the peace, try not to put PRESSURE. They feel safe whe they know that their actions no longer elicit reactions from us like HOPE or on the other hand, ANGER. We become the safe haven.

Hopefully, the calm and peaceful environment will make them stay, which gives us time, which is our friend in this sitch, as only time can heal them and hopefully make them stay forever, heal our M's.

[Bolt]

Thanks Bolt, just in a bad place right now.

My gut tells me there is no chance, and that I'm wasting my time, energy and continuing to have my heart hurt.

I just want this to end...I want my W back and I'm sick of being "alone".

I'm going to keep trying, but these moments are very difficult. I'm not sure how much of the emotional abuse I can take?

I was told that there are two ways to end it. You can serve the papers or she can. One you have a choice. If you want to make it work, really want to keep what you had, then you should be willing to do anything for it. That is a HARD decision to make especially in the place that you are in now.

I went through the same thing, man. When your dream girl who you've been married to for 15 years suddenly says, "I don't love you anymore and don't know if I ever will," it KILLS you. I had to decide if I really wanted to go through the pain and agony knowing she may never come back to me.

It's tough for sure.

BUT

If you do decide to do it - it will be even tougher. You have to do certain things to win her back.

I looked at it at first that I had zero control. I'm a bit of a control freak both at work and at home (not anymore at home) but you get the drift.

When I felt way out of control, I couldn't handle it.

That is until I heard that about the D. It can only go one of two ways. Her serving or me serving. I can control part of that AND I can control what I do around her to make myself better.

That took a ton of pressure off. For once, focus on yourself. Definitely get out there and do the things YOU want to do.

You said somewhere, that you wonder if anyone would be able to love you. I would say, start by picking yourself up and becoming a positive, fun, outgoing person - women of all shapes and sizes find that very attractive (I'm not a chick but I'm guessing here). HOPEFULLY, it will be your wife that finds that attractive in you.

Start with yourself!!!

Glad you keep coming here to vent too. Let it all out here. It helped me a ton.

[2stepboogie]

SIC,

Man oh man you sound like me! You are receiving really good advice here; you want a chance to succeed start hearing it out.

I ask myself the same questions you are asking yourself. ALL the time. I am getting to a place where it really doesn't matter anymore because I am taking care of myself. This is sounds so simple to you actually start doing it. You are in a tough spot because you see your W everyday and the temptation to reach out and grab something you shouldn't is there but you MUST resist because all you are doing right now is hurting your cause.

The things you say sound good to you, but they don't sound good to her. She is telling you the same thing my W told me for months after she left. "you are not hearing me" "you don't get it do you" Well I got tired of hearing it so I stopped asking the question or doing the things that got me that response.

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the feedback/kind words/slaps in the face/etc. It's all good.

I'll get through it, both the current sitch and my M sitch.

I was doing so good, I'm just confused with the emotions I've been having over the last couple days.

I even layed down for a nap this afternoon because I was out late last night and then hit the gym hard today. I was dreaming about cuddling with my W, nothing more - just cuddling. Man, when I woke up and realized I was dreaming I was so sad. It felt so real, I can remember even feeling optimistic.

I made the mistake of mentioning to my W that I had a dream about her. She asked what about, and I just told her that we were cuddling, and when I woke up it hurt to realize it was only a dream. Her reply, "Sounds like a nightmare to me."

Uhhh...she's at work now, so I'm just with the kids. I'll be fine, I just hate this journey - there is absolutely nothing good about it. Even GAL [censored], because it's not what I really want to be doing. The only thing I truly enjoy right now (besides my kids) is going to the gym. I almost wish I could move to the gym and just stay there.

Anyways, buddy of mine is having a charity poker tournament tonight that I may attend if I can and hopefully tomorrow morning I'll be able to hit the gym before leaving with the girls to goto a Super Bowl party (kid friendly which will be fun).

Thanks again everyone, appreciate everyone being here to read/listen to me screw up...but you continue to support me.

BITS
SIC

[Denver_2010]

SIC - I hate to do this, but I gotta get in on the 2x4 party here! I know exactly how you are feeling, but you are driving your W straight out the door man! I mean it. The things that she is saying to you are getting worse, not better. What does this tell you? It should tell you that what you are doing is NOT working!

Time to DETACH and go as dark on W as possible under your circumstances. Next time she asks you where you were or who you were with, tell her that since she no longer wants the M, that she no longer has the right to ask you those questions. I'm dead serious about this. You have to turn the tables here. She has ALL of the control.

You can do this SIC.

Sorry for the tough love man.

BITS
Denver