H has given me a few more good strokes. He's in AZ, closing up the details of selling his mother's house, and shipping the last of the stuff home. I was freaking a bit last night before he left, restless and couldn't sleep. Blamed it on the puppy's housebreaking mishaps. Didn't say anything to H.
Asked H to let me know if he was free for lunch as he left for work this AM, if not have a nice trip. Sent an email as well, saying good bye, keep in touch and be a "good boy". When he proposed going over the weekend alone, he ended the email saying he would be a "good boy". H did make it for lunch, and called as soon as he got out of the airport. My cell phone cut out, so he even left a message, and called back a third time to let me know his battery was dying. What a change from a year ago, when he changed his flights, and spent the time with OW. A friend has a girls' ski weekend, and last year I was afraid to let H have that much unsupervised time. This year, I would feel comfortable going. Nothing's for sure, but I am more relaxed than I expected to be.
Congrats to son! He's doing great! The weekend went well. I am surprised at how often I am reminded of the events of last winter. Driving down a street, I remember the feelings of dispair and loneliness. H expressed fustration at my busy schedule. When he went to Korea, I started working for the local township - just a couple nights a month, and volunteering with the church, again a couple times a month, and last year with scouts and another local group. Again, a couple times a month. With going to school one night a week, I'm out about twice a week. On the phone yesterday, H said "I guess you're just the note taker of the century" (For most of those groups I am a recording secretary). Don't know if it bothers him or not, but at least he's noticing! Son asked if he would chaperone a trip for C.A.P. this weekend, and H said he'd rather stay home if possible (Pluses for me!). Maybe it's the jeep, but it's a choice he wouldn't have made this time last year. Guess I just gotta start seeing that glass half full, instead of half empty.
Decided yesterday to cut back on my activities. I am recording secretary for son's scout troop committee, and have dropped that participation. I missed over half the meetings, and not once have I been asked for the minutes I took, so I decided that was the easiest to cut. It frees up a family night as well, even though it's only once a month. Son is still active in the troop, and that's once a week, but that also serves to free up time for H and I, if I can make it so. Still plagued by worries about the future, can't seem to shake that monkey from my back. There is no reason, but it seems to be set off quick. For instanct, called H on the way home last night, to see if he could pick up dog food. I was taking son to scouts. H was short on the phone. Now, he was gone from work, so he probably was with someone or in a project, but I thought the worst. H did call back a few minutes later, and asked if I wanted him to pick up a bottle of wine as well (my vice of choice). He was home waiting, and we had a great night. I have no reason to think he's not okay at home, but I still would like to know what happened in his head and his heart last May. I still would like to know what role OW is playing in his life and his heart. Oh well, I can't have everything, and I'd rather have H the way he's behaving now than answers.
Echos of the good past. H called me today, asking when I would be home. Then later, let me vent on the phone about my instructor at class. Cuddled all night long. (H has always been a great cuddler.) Gives me reason to think it's really over, even though he hasn't said so. I just have to get over the "what's he doing at work" thoughts about his relationship with OW. Played it out in my head "So, how do you feel about other people" - his code word for OW. He'd tell me not to come by the office because it would upset other people. Pointless, I know, and would gain me little. Oh well, it's Friday and payday.
