I haven't posted much on here about me. I can't really figure things out on my own, I'm working on it. I think if I knew what to do and what was going on I would be able to chat,.....
You have been "charting new territory" in MLC-land so it's understandable that you would need time to find that "still small voice" within to guide you forward. I don't know if anyone around here, present or past (archives), has lived a situation similar to yours. If there is someone like that, their words might give you inspiration. I know how hard I've fought for my H/XH after a relatively brief life together, I can understand how you would invest time in reconnecting with your H whom you've loved for 30+ years.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
I have had no contact with my lawyer, she has sent me three letters inquiring about my intent and I can't seem to make up my mind what I want. I want her to leave me alone to think. I am still trying to fire her. She does not want to stop representing me. She feels really bad how she treated me.
Your L is probably afraid that you are going to sue her. After the bomb I found out that the L who represented me in the prenup came from the same firm that had represented H/XH previously. My D attorney told me that I had grounds for a legal action (conflict of interest) if I chose to pursue it. Wasn't interested, but I'm pretty sure Ls think about these things a lot.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
H and I have had three discussions about dismissing our case. I am afraid to. I know all too well what happened the last time. I don't want a divorce but at the same time I don't trust that things will be any different.
Do you think it makes any difference that H filed in September, before he professed his continuing love for you? Do you think H has had any type of mental shift since he opened up to you in that way? If so, would that make a difference? I can't tell from your post whether your H wants to drop dismiss the D or not.....but even if he says that he does, I can certainly see how that would sound like more of the same. I know that you have thought about all of these things before, but I am just going to put a couple of them "out there". If H wants to dismiss the D action, could you set boundaries by saying that you would consider it if he takes certain actions such as IC, eliminating OW from his life (he must be tired of her by now)?
Has the court given you any deadlines for anything at this point? Just wondering if you're working against any type of deadline (i.e. obtaining new counsel, filing new paperwork, etc). Has the same judge presided over much of this?
Sanderika, I don't want to pester you with questions. I just thought that throwing a few things out there might trigger some insights for you.
Keep warm! Punxsutawney Phil says we're going to have an early spring this year! I didn't realize that ground hogs had a sense of humor.
Glad to hear that you are safe from the cyclone. I keep wondering if there is more strange weather around the world or if we're just hearing about it more when it happens because of the information explosion over the past 20-30 years.
I'm glad that your new job came at a good time to keep you busy and that your D is keeping her (and you) busy with her swimming. I think that girls have a hard time when their fathers do something like this. My niece was 11 when her father filed for D from my sister. They had been having conflict for years and my sister wasn't the easiest person to live with (she has mellowed a LOT since then) so he was not a WAS, but his personality certainly changed when he reached mid-life. My niece spent years trying to connect with him but he just didn't connect emotionally with her. I don't think he was/is capable of it. This pursuer/distancer dance has really affected her Rs with men as an adult. She keeps wanting to M every man she dates. She's on fiance #3 now and she's in her mid-20s.
I hesitated to post this ^^^^^^^ to you. I am sure that you have been doing your best to make your D feel secure. Please feel free to come here and vent or vent to your RL friends. When I was growing up, my mother told me several times "Don't ever marry a man like your father". That's a really horrible thing to say to a girl, even if it's not said verbally. It wasn't until after my first D (in my 20s) that I read John Bradshaw's book "Bradshaw on the Family" and gained much insight into my family's dynamics. That book changed my life!!!!!!!!! I mean that in all sincerity. It turned my perspectives around about 180�. I'm forever grateful to him for writing it.
Quick Post and I will be back to reply to everyone's posts a little later on.
D tells me; 1. ow and her s are moving in temporarily with h as the house they rent has sold and she hasn't got anything else. Temporarily??? 2. H has been offered a job locally 3. H wants to come to watch D swim at national comp around easter.
All it tells me is she seems here to stay so I need to keep facing facts but I do honestly miss what we once had..
Hi, the affair isn't usually shortlived: I agree we need to be careful of the 'stages' but Replay is described as lasting 2years + , and I think it is often longer. My h's affair lasted on and off 3 + years [broke up 'permanently' several times, including when they tried to move in together!!] I think he is still somewhat in contact with her, but it is more or less over. Remember it isn't a romance, it is an escape, a need, a fix, an addiction, and finally, often something they are scared to give up on because they have to start facing their demons ALONE.
Lots of debate here on whether they are truly reconnecting while OP is in the picture. I think the OP needs to be out of the picture if they are to complete their journey, and not simply come back to us with the journey part done, but there are a number of instances where spouse wavers between the OP and coming home. As HB says, lots of ways of doing this journey. Guidelines, not rules!
There is truth to that old saying that you really don't know someone until you live with them.
This all takes a long time, but I believe living with someone hastens real life setting in. You get to experience each other at their not so very best. The masks fall off.
Sometimes it shows them that what they had at home wasn't so bad after all...
I bet H feels the live in situation will be only "temporary" and the OW has other ideas, as they usually do.
IMO, this will bring about more turmoil to your H. OW is moving in with him and WITH her son...OMG the results of that are endless. I believe they are already on separate pages with the idea so this will be very interesting for sure.
H will get to see her and her son's true colors 24/7 not just the phony image she portrays in the limited time they are in contact now.
It is great that H wants to see D's swim competition in April. Your D deserves to have his support. I once read that they maintain connection to the children to maintain connection with us. When there has been an estrangement, they also reconnect with the children to reconnect with us.
Very good that H has been offered a job locally. I hope he takes it and stops looking further as this will settle one issue in his life.
Cas, I'm not sure how long your H has been with this OW. I know it doesn't matter since it is still a blow to hear this kind of news. Let's hope it's more of a thought and will not actually become reality.
I think most affairs are for a long duration (1.5 years plus). It takes a while for the shine to wear off. This is a great step in that direction, moving in together will be a real eye opening experience. I think it will be the beginning of the end of this one. One reason come to mind, your H isn't resolved with his issues about you and his family.
Have a good week Cas, I know this is really hard.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I think my L is trying to cover up her faux pas. It won't work with me. I really am angry at her and am keeping my distance until I AM READY otherwise.
I do not have a court deadline right now that is crucial. We have until mid-April sometime to make a move either way. I am going to play this out a bit.
H seems to be changing somehow. He is calling me quite a bit. He is opening up more and more daily as to his activities and whereabouts and contacts. I do see a huge reserved side still....you all know the "arms length" scenario....I still feel it.
He has asked me to transfer money twice in the past 3 weeks from the company into our account. I know for a fact that he has hoarded the money the company owes us. This is a huge turning point that he is sharing without being forced to.
H spent the day with us on Wednesday it was nice. It really feels like a family when he is here with son and I. I made a big breakfast and H was happy with that. He made a comment like "when you want something to eat around here all you got to do is ask" I took it well since I know he isn't doing good diet wise on his own (a typical supper for H would be beef jerky and peanuts) and I always have plenty of good food....I like to cook and that is one thing that has helped in our situation is the availability of my cooking. I have always accommodated him with food when he has been in need of sustenance even with the chit that has gone on.
Son had an issue with his snowmobile this week and H was fairly helpful to son. I can't say he tried really hard to help son cause the problem occurred last Sunday and I went and got the new part and the part has not been installed and H HAS had the time. I have to stay out of it, I did what I could to remedy the situation and I am not much of a mechanic.
About dismissing, in a conversation H actually made the suggestion. I said something and he really related to my words. I said "I find it really hard to understand how two people like us who love each other deeply and have so much in common would even consider a divorce let alone get one." H said he wondered the same and then admitted that the last time we dismissed the action he now knows he didn't even try one little bit to work on the marriage and a reconcilement. he went on to state that he felt sorry for that. I validated his words but did not drag out the conversation with all the whys and what-fors.
We are not really any further ahead from the past 3-4 weeks. While things appear better they are far from better if you know what I mean.
H is still with OW. I have no idea as to the status of that. I assume he is still content with her around, he did say he was not all that happy but didn't expel on that further. I didn't push the conversation. I can only hope that he will come to his senses. I do know that they do not spend a lot of time together. I have a few bird dogs in town
That's all for now....
Thanks for the rambling opportunity, warm hugs to you all.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
ow and her s are moving in temporarily with h as the house they rent has sold and she hasn't got anything else. Temporarily???
I think this ^^^^^ does not bode well for H's R with OW. It sounds as though OW has invited herself to live with H. I have always gotten the impression from your posts that H was pretty independent of OW and tended to keep her at arms length. That behavior would be consistent with the typical MLC male script of feeling trapped. I think having OW invite herself to live with him will lead to her expressing expectations to him. It's pretty inevitable that when two people live together it's harder to hide those expectations. My XH had a similar situation with the woman he dated before we met. They had been dating for about 9-12 months when she and her D had to move out of their home. As H/XH told the story, he offered for them to move into his house but there was no significance attached to that offer. He eventually broke up with her (I think ~6 months later) when she told him that she was tired of cooking dinner every evening and expected him to prepare meals on a weekly basis. XH has a real aversion to doing anything in the kitchen (not sure why --- I think it might have something to do with his mother rarely preparing dinner for them as a children because she was drunk)......so in XH's case, the day-to-day rubbing up against his GF led to the destruction of their R. GF met someone on match.com and got M'ed within a year of XH asking her to leave his house. I suspect something similar will happen with your H and OW.
Originally Posted By: dolphin_05
H has been offered a job locally
This ^^^^^ is great news! That keeps your options open for DB'ing and reconciling in the future if you decide that you are interested in this option.
Originally Posted By: dolphin_05
H wants to come to watch D swim at national comp around easter.
This ^^^^^^^^^^^ is great for H's R with D and for your DB'ing efforts if you are still interested in "keeping the door open a crack while H figures out how to get his head out of his ***"
These all seem like positive developments to me. Having OW move in with H DOES add additional time to his marinating (annoying since he had seemed to be moving forward in the tunnel. Ughhh!!!!!), but when that R breaks up it should teach H a lesson.
Cas, it sounds as though you have been keeping yourself busy. I pray that things are really OK with you. I know your road has been difficult over the past 6 months.
I didn't realize that ground hogs had a sense of humor. 
