The kids and I have noticed the dead eyes too in their Dad. There seems to be no emotion reflected in them, no joy. The depression that is the MLCer's constant companion helps contribute to the dead eyes. Even when the MLCer is wearing the mask of happiness, those eyes tell the truth.
You are asking some really great questions here. We all know and understand how hard this is.
Jack, has a restored M, because Jack became the man you see here and his W eventually noticed the changes. In some ways, Jack got lucky. (Although I think his W is the lucky one) He will be the first to tell you that. The other people who have posted to you, the ones who have been here, are successes as well, even with out restored M. Jack will tell you that as well, because of his definition of success. It has become the definition for success for many of us and hopefully, it will become yours as well.
I say that, because when it does, and you begin to become who you are meant to be, without worrying quite so much about the outcome of the M, your entire perspective is going to change and life becomes so much more and dealing with this becomes so much easier.
The dead eyes, are completly part of this. It always amazes me when we can even see it in pictures. I haven't seen a picture of a MLCer yet that doesn't have that vacant stare. They are numb inside. It shows through in their eyes and anyone who knows them, can see it.
The OM. You have to decide if that is a dealbreaker for you. Many of us think it is, until we are faced with it. If it isn't then you must find forgivness in your heart. You may have to forgive many times over through this.
Jack is right though, if you can't forgive, then you are wasting your time.
I know that this [censored] right now. If you do the work, eventually, you won't feel that way.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I'm just curious, does the MLCer realize that what they are doing is wrong?
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
My H sees what he has done as defensive, to protect himself. I got the "How can I show D's how to be happy if I'm not" statement.
I saw the dead eyes too. I have seen pics of H without us though and he has looked happier. You can't personalize all of this though. You will learn to own what is yours to own and let the rest go.
I'm sorry I checked my post and did not notice the edit. What was it? I was posting at work.... did not want to stay too long, so I don't remember what was in my original post.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
They wouldn't come up with all the rationalization and justification if they did not know that what they are doing is wrong.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I'm sorry I checked my post and did not notice the edit. What was it? I was posting at work.... did not want to stay too long, so I don't remember what was in my original post.
Originally Posted By: J3B
Edited by Jack_Three_Beans (Today at 01:30 AM) Edit Reason: Angel, links to articles are ok, but not ads, or other message boards, please be careful..
I think it was Jack's cryptic way of saying don't vilolate the TOS agreement about other websites
I'm sorry I checked my post and did not notice the edit. What was it? I was posting at work.... did not want to stay too long, so I don't remember what was in my original post.
Originally Posted By: J3B
Edited by Jack_Three_Beans (Today at 01:30 AM) Edit Reason: Angel, links to articles are ok, but not ads, or other message boards, please be careful..
Oh, it was my previous post. I didn't know that the articles were advertising. I got the link from here as well - from Pickle, and I found them very helpful in understanding MLC, as researched and written by a non-professional. I couldn't find other links that sort of condensed stuff you would read in books, just the relevant ones such as what standing means, what are the stages, etc.
Tad, maybe you can just Google the articles under "standing for my swetheart".
I know they have a message board there as well but once you have started on one, like here, you become friends with the other posters and it is hard to start somewhere else.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
