True, my wife hasn't left, but she told me she will leave in June, which is when her current semester is over, and summer holiday starts. Being a med student, that is logically the only time to do it really. I have this notion that since she has the upper hand in controlling how fast/slow this separation/divorce goes, staying here and moving out in June is a big benefit for her.
If you look at it from that point of view, she's playing her cards well. If you look at it from an optimistic point of view, at least I have a few more months of close contact with her, not much, but definitely more than if she's gone.
Whether it is a good strategy for her or not, it works in your favor. If she is not around she can't see the changes you will make. You need to focus on yourself for a while. Trust me when I say that this is the only way you can save your relationship. You do need to change, and it needs to be real change, not acting different for her benefit. She will see right through that. Again, it is important not to inform her you are a changed man. She wont believe you anyway, the only way to change her mind is proof through action.
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As for the laundry, i forgot to clarify that she has been doing her laundry this entire time, except for this past weekend. Which is why I thought it might be a nice surprise if she came home to some clean scrubs. Alas, she's already doing them as I type this.
Not alas, it is fine. You are not going to win her back by doing acts of service that you wouldn't typically do. She will see it as pursuit/desperation/a superficial act to win brownie points. Now is not the time. Same deal with giving gifts, saying things you normally wouldn't say, and so on. The core problem right now is respect. You don't win respect by smothering someone.
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Mike, I think the problem with her not respecting me comes from the fact that she has no trust in me whatsoever - a sad byproduct of my porn addiction. So even if I've gotten my tasks/acts together, or heck, even tasks/acts that I did right the entire marriage, she obviously questions them now.
Correct. She has lost trust and respect. Her re-writing history and editing out all the good stuff is classic behaviour. Do not focus on it, do not even give it any value right now. To earn back her respect and trust, you are going to need to prove through your actions that you can change. How bad do you want this? If you have not given up the porn 100% by now, you have some more work to do on that. Put your energy into your job search and yourself.
It also seems like you have not forgiven yourself for your past mistakes. To truly move forward, you will need to do so. Stop beating yourself up over what you have done, you are human. Work on healing and not punishing yourself mentally so much.
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Simple example that happened not more than twenty minutes ago:
Not bad, but she is testing you and you are barely passing her tests, and failing at times.
Here is a breakdown so maybe you can see better exactly what is going on in this exchange:
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W: Where were you all? M: I picked "E" up from daycare at 5. Then we went to buy dinner. I had two interviews today so I didn't cook. Your food is on the table.
This is good, you just laid it out that you are taking care of business, without getting into anything else.
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W: Well, i'm just not sure if you cook for me everyday. (This is not the first conversation we've had about this, BTW)
I'm not even sure what she means by this, but okay.
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M: I also cook for all of us to eat, or buy food for you too.
Fair response. You are simply providing for your family, she benefits from it as long as she is under the same roof. You are not doing it to impress her.
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W: I don't want to take advantage of you. (Same thing she says each time) M: i always cook for you. I've cooked food all week, but you haven't been eating them because of your schedule.
Too much emphasis on her. Stop doing it for her and saying it is for her. You are providing/cooking for yourself and your kid now. You don't mind if she has some of it. If she is truly not wanting to take advantage, she will at a minimum thank you for the meal.
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W: Yeah, I bet you tell people that...that you cook for me and I chose not to eat. (She says this each time too) M: it's just meals that I cook for everyone. If you don't eat, we have leftovers for next day.
She is being blatantly disrepectful here and you just take it. You need to push back on her when she is rude to you. You need to challenge her when she speaks badly of you. You wont earn her respect back unless you stand up for yourself.
"Why would you say something like that when you know it is not true? If you truly do not want to take advantage of me when I cook for you, you would simply say thank you instead of being rude to me."
Very important when establishing this boundary, you remain calm and do not get drawn into a fight. She may RAGE against you finally standing up for yourself. You need to be prepared for that and hold the line. Be the adult in the situation, and not the tantrum throwing child.
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Five minutes later, as I was walking up the stairs (she hangs downstairs with our son to spend time with him), she asks, "How is your job thing going?"
Hmmm, and why is she interested again? I thought she said she was done with you? You may not see it but I do.
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I said, "Very positive actually. For many of them, I'm in second and third interviews already. Never seen such intensive interviews before, but they'll all interested in me. it's just a waiting game right now."
Tooo much info. "Very well actually, thank you for asking." If she wants to get more out of you she needs to earn it by treating you better.
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Then I heard her go, under her own breath, "huuumpph!"
Just a dig at you to undermine your positive attitude and/or she doesn't truly believe you will follow through and is expressing that. Prove her wrong.
SF
PS: Are you doing any new GAL activities? Exercise/hanging out with friends/a new hobby? Anything to take your mind off the situation and let off steam/stress?
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Correct. She has lost trust and respect. Her re-writing history and editing out all the good stuff is classic behaviour. Do not focus on it, do not even give it any value right now. To earn back her respect and trust, you are going to need to prove through your actions that you can change. How bad do you want this? If you have not given up the porn 100% by now, you have some more work to do on that. Put your energy into your job search and yourself.
I've given up on porn, and thankfully have been able to kill the related triggers.
[quote] It also seems like you have not forgiven yourself for your past mistakes. To truly move forward, you will need to do so. Stop beating yourself up over what you have done, you are human. Work on healing and not punishing yourself mentally so much.
I can see that sometimes the guilt in me shows its face. At times I still cry because of this, and I think it's normal. But I'm not living in the past, cuz that's just too depressing. On a side note, I think sometimes I get leery of who might be reading my posts. Call me paranoid, but I don't want to downplay the effect of porn on my wife and our lives too much. Confused?
[--edited by dbmod: advertising, link not approved]
It's a support site for porn addicts and their spouses. Well, if you notice, that post is almost identical to one I wrote here, and note the harsher responses I got over there vs. here. ...Now do you see that I've become paranoid to the point that I've probably become overly sensitive to the readers here?
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Too much emphasis on her. Stop doing it for her and saying it is for her. You are providing/cooking for yourself and your kid now. You don't mind if she has some of it. If she is truly not wanting to take advantage, she will at a minimum thank you for the meal.
Got it! I see that now.
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She is being blatantly disrepectful here and you just take it. You need to push back on her when she is rude to you. You need to challenge her when she speaks badly of you. You wont earn her respect back unless you stand up for yourself.
"Why would you say something like that when you know it is not true? If you truly do not want to take advantage of me when I cook for you, you would simply say thank you instead of being rude to me."
Very good point. This the area I'm perhaps weakest in discerning -- is it a battle worth fighting over, is it something I need to stand up for, or do I want to sound controlling to her (and right now she thinks everything I say is controlling anyway)?
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Hmmm, and why is she interested again? I thought she said she was done with you? You may not see it but I do.
My wild-thinkin' mind is saying she wants me to have a job so she can leave this house with a free conscience, that I can support our son and pay my end of the bills, not to mention my own rent.
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Are you doing any new GAL activities? Exercise/hanging out with friends/a new hobby? Anything to take your mind off the situation and let off steam/stress?
Plenty. And most of them, I feel are complete 180s for me too. Making friends, volunteer, increasing my online presence (Facebook, blogging, linkedin, etc.), exercising (yoga, running, walking, hiking), reading actual books, working on the car. I used to do most of these things a lot before I met my wife, so going back to them makes me feel better.
This occurred a few days ago, and I'm quite sure what I need to do, but here's what happened: On Monday my wife emails me informing me that she's transferred her half of the bill payments into our/my account and tshe included an extra $100 for my cleaning services.
My wife has this amazing ability of switching from being decent one second, to sharp-shooting a snide remark the next. Sometimes (like tonight, for instance) it just takes me by surprise and makes me go, "Where did my wife go?" If there's any doubt about the existence of the Devil and his machinations, that would be it.
Okay, now I'm pulling my hair out, but trying to understand my wife is coming from. Here she is wanting to have nothing to do with me, yet she still assumes/expects that when she is on call for the hospital, I should be home to TCOB.
1. Why doesn't she provide me with her schedule, instead of expecting me to know it? In the past I've asked her for it, but I still don't have it. I need to more firm with my boundaries. 2. Where is the nanny she said she can arrange for?
With regards to my wife's assuming I'll TCOB, should I show tough love and say something like, "Technically Saturdays are your days with "E", and I may have plans, regardless of your schedule. So if something of yours comes up, I'll help if I can, but otherwise you need to find someone to watch our son.
Over discussion about dinner expenses, I gave my wife back the $100 she gave me for my cleaning services.
W: No, no, no...you need it. You don't have a job. M: You know my principles regarding this. I've told you before what they are. W: Don't be proud. I know you need the money. M: Like I said, you know my principles...I don't want to be paid by my family.
And this started my wife on a deeper relationship conversation about my "principles". She said that we're not husband/wife anymore. And I reminded her what my principle is (funny I have to keep reminding her) - God is the only one to who can relinqush our bond to each other. Spiritually she'll always be my wife. I reaffirmed to her that I do respect what she wants to do. As for me, I have an oath to God to fulfill. I didn't do so before, but now I want to fulfill my part of my vow to Him. My wife then says something like, "Hmm, later you're going to fall in love, and what then?...You're crazy."
She then said that our vows were to each other and not to God; we did it the old fashioned way, so God doesn't apply here, I.e. We're not accountable to God. Then I added that I don't think when that text in the Bible was written, God only came into the picture when a couple vows to Him. The idea is all marriages - vowed, witnessed or however - are united by Him. She added that the next person she marries, she will make sure they're vows will be to God. This really hurt me so much inside, but I kept my cool.
She also said, somewhere in this conversation, that I'll always be like family to her...father of our son.
Ugghh, I just want to give up sometimes, but all I have to do is look at my son and it gives me further reason to stay ahead of the game. Or try to. I'm not having a good evening, and I don't know if my wife is actually for real when she says all these things, or is awesome at masking. Is it possible for a wife to have zero, and I mean, ZERO spousal affection/feelings just like that? The wives in the porn addiction forum I frequent would seem to say a resounding YES. I know I have to stay positive, but sheesh, this is the worst and best challenge of my short life.
If you look at my wife's behavior from my earlier posts, she still treats me like we're still married, especially for things that can be a convenience for her, but no affection of any kind, no kind words. Even at the dinner table today, she'd tell me about her day at work (she was on call today), but when I tell her that my parents called and said hi and hope she feels better (she was not well more than a week ago), she says, "Whatever" under her own breath. Now I know she hates them (long story), but this attitude is downright rude.
I have a feeling/theory that when she is nice to me, like saying she's worried about me not having a job, making sure I have adequate time with our son, etc, it might her way of just maintaing the status quo and nothing more, until she can move out. Some WASs retract all forms of affection, while others still give hugs, and small gestures of kindness.
