W is NOT into feelings, acts more like a guy

[Queen_of_Swords]

Hi Scylla,

Thanks so much for sharing your experience, and suggesting the book. I'm googling it now. With luck it's an e-book!

My W grew up in a tumultuous home. M was an alcoholic with some sleep and psychotic disorders, B has rather severe bipolar disorder. In her case, her F was probably the only stable one - a small business owner and really nice man - and she adores him. He might have had a hard time dealing with all this (I would) and I don't know how much he was really "there" during this time. I know she had absolutely no rules and learned to be independent from a young age. So, in short, you're almost certainly right about her becoming her own protector.

I, on the other hand, grew up in a stable, too quiet, very boring household. (Seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding?)

A few family therapists have pointed out to me that her behavior - never wanting to slow down or talk about things, a disinterest in feelings - is pretty common in those with alcoholic parents.

This is perhaps the biggest problem we have. She wants me to "be a man" and lead but so won't let me get out in front. She likes to set the schedule, run the finances. And since we married fairly young (at 24) and her family is a big, fun (but a little crazy) group it was easy for me to follow their lead. (though at work I'm a capable manager and leader - so at least I have some potential in this area).

She reacts very negatively to weakness or OR talks, or indecisiveness or needing reassurance, or wanting to be intimate. Asking her to talk about our R seems to actually cause her physical pain.

Well, so now you know what hasn't been working. Any suggestions for what would work to get through to her?

Well I am hardly in a position to advise you, I can only give you a little insight into what makes a person like her tick.
These are the possibilities I see:

a) there is likely some co-dependancy going on in your relationship due to her growing up with alcholism in the family and someone mentally ill.
b) She has an addictive personality herself to some degree.
c) Because she is primarily left brained in her approach due to childhood survival programming), she may not "hear" feelings.
When she listens she hears content and detail and is in problem solving mode. She's already formulating a response/solution before you even finish verbalizing the thought.
d)What upset me about my H is that he left me with most of the responsibility and then complained I wasn't fun or didn't want to go out with him. Example: He'd want to go out, but he'd leave me to make all the arrangements. Perhaps you have similar issues?
e) H wouldn't stand up for himself verbally or otherwise. The minute things got a argumentative or a little heated, he'd walk away and keep silent, then feel intimidated and verbally overpowered by me. Any rise or escalation in vocal level or tone, gave him great anxiety and distress and he'd try to get away as fast as possible.

All I can really tell you is that I would have appreciated so much if my H had:
a) backed me up in disciplining the kids,
b) sat me down and made a cooperative financial plan/goals or any plan or goal for us both and followed through with it without offloading the responsibility off on me.
c)told me what was really important him with getting my full attention, a physical touch and with affection.

As you said, we're waiting for you take control, but when you don't we feel we MUST step in. Someone has to take the reins and steer those runaway horses!


If you go over to my thread here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2126755&page=1

You can see if there are comparisons you recognise.

Hope that helps.