Sparks, DETACH NOW. Seriously, you need to stop snooping right now. I think what you found was very good news. Not much is going to happen in a 1 or 5 minute phone call. So let it go. I wouldn't mention it to your W.
It sounds to me like your W is doing the best she can do at the moment. Please remember that she is going through mourning right now and is probably not thinking clearly. And keep in mind that most of these WAS's lie. I don't think they lie necessarily to help themselves. Sometimes I think they do it to help us too. I don't think they want to inflict more hurt. I probably wouldn't have always thought that, but there are some WAS's on this site and it's incredibly insightful. They are good people. Some of them admit that they were good people, who made mistakes. We all do.
So... you need to stop obsessing, stop snooping and start detaching. Let's talk about how you can do these things. How can you pull this off??? MWD's books are about being solution focused. So let's start brainstorming some solutions to this issue...
Take care of yourself. I am praying for you.
LIS
Thanks again, LIS. I do need to stop snooping, because I do think that it only gets worse. Sometimes it is just so difficult to listen to the lies and want to seek the truth. In the end, I am not going to change my wife's honesty by simply catching her in lies.
I do question how some of it works, though. If I did not check my wife's email and prove the affair, where would I be now? My wife would tell the OW how my husband has no idea what is going on. She believed that she was completely safe. It is true what they say as affairs progress. The wayward spouse begins to get reckless, and this usually brings out the truth.
If it wasn't for the satin nightgown, I may not have checked for the intimate lingerie. If not for the lingerie, maybe I would not have found the note in the bedside table. If not for the note, I would never have checked the email.
I guess I understand the downward spiral of suspicion. I am not going to hold the 6 minutes of phone time over her head. Who knows what was said? I also realize that they all lie. I caught my wife in two lies just tonight. None that I really care about, but I even asked her to clarify, and she outright lied to me again. With the read emails, I know that two of her closest friends that live out of state know of the affair. One is sympathetic but wanted my wife to reveal the affair to me 7 months ago. The other is family oriented and not pleased in the least bit but still loves my wife as a friend. I have read the email correspondence between them.
I first asked my wife if she spoke to friend #1 often. She said not really. I then asked her if friend #1 knew of our issue. She told me no. I then asked if any of her friends knew of the affair. She said no in a matter of fact tone. I asked if she was sure that none of her friends knew. She said that none of her fiends knew what was going on. These are the little lies that irk me and make me want to investigate further.
I guess she is simply backtracking and trying to find stable ground right now. I will not tell her that I know the truth. I will keep being patient and let her figure out what she wants. At the same time, I will show her what an amazing husband and father I am. This is really difficult to do, though.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
sparks, you nailed it exactly with the snooping - its definitely not detaching. If anything, it makes matter worse for you. And even worse, if she finds out, makes it even worser (not a word, I know but it works here)
Part of the healing on your end is trusting the other person. At the very least, you'll be a more secure man in the future. If not for your W for someone else. That helps you in the end, right?
We're here for you.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
sparks, you nailed it exactly with the snooping - its definitely not detaching. If anything, it makes matter worse for you. And even worse, if she finds out, makes it even worser (not a word, I know but it works here)
Part of the healing on your end is trusting the other person. At the very least, you'll be a more secure man in the future. If not for your W for someone else. That helps you in the end, right?
We're here for you.
Thanks, Bolt. Trusting is easier said than done. She is still lying to me. I have been told that this is expected, especially for her right now in her sense of shock. That makes it really difficult to detach. I know it is the right thing to do, and now I just need to let it go.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Right now, I just don't know how invested my wife is in the rebuilding for us. She has been so calculated as far as going through the motions in order to lessen the impact of her ultimate goal.
She agreed to go to couples therapy again, but then said that she wanted to discuss co-parenting first and foremost. She said that was her focus.
Besides the sobbing "I'm so sorry" that she repeated over and over when I called her affair out, there really has been no remorse or effort on her side to reach out. It is almost as if the no contact with the OW was forced on her, so she is going with it for the most part. Other then that, she has been pretty friendly around me and the baby.
It is like it gives me this false sense of hope. Right now, she is living at her brothers (which is better then with OW). Due to space limitations of her brother's small apartment, I welcomed her and my son to come home to our house down the street. I would be at work, so there would be no worries that I would be around to influence her. She could use the computer, allow Hudson to play and sleep in his environment, and for her just to have some space. She initially agreed which I took as a plus. She came one afternoon last week, said she enjoyed her time there, but then took our laptop (one of a couple computers we have) with her back to her brothers. She then decided that earlier this week, that the weather was way too cold to go anywhere. I understood that.
I then mentioned it again last night that she was welcome to come over on Saturday and I could go to the office. She said that she was not sure if she wanted to come over to the house at all anymore. I asked why the change of heart? I told her that she is always welcome in our home. She told me that it was not "our" home.
Just frustrating. I will keep fighting the fight, but I feel her pulling more away every day.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
it is very difficult but I think if it wasn't it wouldn't be worth it. I think that by you asking her, basically, to come "home" she is feeling pressured. I would lay off and just be her support.
Dude, it is TOUGH no doubt but if you truly want it to work, you can do it. It will take time and an ENORMOUS amount of patience and fortitude.
I guess you really have to sit down with yourself and ask yourself is this the best thing? I do it almost DAILY, man. It is hard for sure but if you do want it to work and if you DO the work, I think it will pay off in the long run.
Like I said, if anything, it makes you a better man.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
it is very difficult but I think if it wasn't it wouldn't be worth it. I think that by you asking her, basically, to come "home" she is feeling pressured. I would lay off and just be her support.
Dude, it is TOUGH no doubt but if you truly want it to work, you can do it. It will take time and an ENORMOUS amount of patience and fortitude.
I guess you really have to sit down with yourself and ask yourself is this the best thing? I do it almost DAILY, man. It is hard for sure but if you do want it to work and if you DO the work, I think it will pay off in the long run.
Like I said, if anything, it makes you a better man.
I can see how "home" creates this pressure for her. There are times in the past where we pieced something back together quickly, because it was easier to do. We should have spent more time to really analyze the situation and act accordingly. Patience.
It is just that drifting apart where you want nothing more than to pull back in. It is tough.
I feel right now that I am just trying way to hard. I have been giving her the love I am capable of and doing all of the little things that I would normally do. My sister told me I have to stop doing the little things. She does not deserve them at this point, because she does not love you in the way you are expressing by doing them.
I just need to find a happy medium where I am not pressuring her or going overboard but still be friendly and there for support.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Is it possible, that part of your problem is that you are afraid that you feel you pushed your W into ending the A?
And because YOU feel it wasn't her choice that you are less able to trust her?
Listen, my H, had more than one OW. I snooped. I know how hard it is to stop. You simply have to require more of yourself.
You justify invading her privacy by saying where would you be now if you hadn't read her emails.
These things, have a way of coming out, if there is anything that needs to come out, without us snooping.
You are watching her like a warden. THAT is not going to reconcile anything regardless of what she decides.
I am not saying that she should not be open with you. She should. She isn't ready for that yet. She has told you that she isn't ready to "recommit" to anything yet.
You are steps ahead of her in this process right now.
Rebuild the friendship first, don't continue to tear it down.
Just my opinion.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Is it possible, that part of your problem is that you are afraid that you feel you pushed your W into ending the A?
And because YOU feel it wasn't her choice that you are less able to trust her?
Listen, my H, had more than one OW. I snooped. I know how hard it is to stop. You simply have to require more of yourself.
You justify invading her privacy by saying where would you be now if you hadn't read her emails.
These things, have a way of coming out, if there is anything that needs to come out, without us snooping.
You are watching her like a warden. THAT is not going to reconcile anything regardless of what she decides.
I am not saying that she should not be open with you. She should. She isn't ready for that yet. She has told you that she isn't ready to "recommit" to anything yet.
You are steps ahead of her in this process right now.
Rebuild the friendship first, don't continue to tear it down.
Just my opinion.
Thanks, Cat. True words of wisdom. I think you nailed all of the points. I guess right now my spouse and I are in a different place. She is not ready to recommit to anything. I am ahead of her in that process. Maybe she will eventually come around with the honesty. If not, and she has alternate plans through this process, there is nothing that I can do about those decisions of hers.
I just need to step back and just be friendly. I also need to take care of myself first and foremost right now.
That goes back to me thinking that everything I am doing right now and how I am acting is counter-intuitive to a person that just discovered their spouse has been having an affair. I should be angry and looking out, not loving and wanting in.
Maybe this is me acting on my true character. Maybe this is also me fighting to save the marriage with the woman I truly love.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I feel right now that I am just trying way to hard. I have been giving her the love I am capable of and doing all of the little things that I would normally do. My sister told me I have to stop doing the little things. She does not deserve them at this point, because she does not love you in the way you are expressing by doing them.
I just need to find a happy medium where I am not pressuring her or going overboard but still be friendly and there for support.
That's the hard part. I looked at it as being a good friend. She simply needs support for HER not for you. I know that sounds rough but that's what you can do.
What do you do for yourself? That's where the GAL comes in. Do things you like or that you WOULD like to do.
The cool part about GAL is that it lets your forget about your sitch temporarily. Plus, there's some added benefits too. Mine was to get back to working out. I started feeling much better about myself and even got some looks from other ladies. Made me feel much better. Now, mind you, some of these ladies at the gym are in their 70's but they're checking me out nonetheless
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
That's the hard part. I looked at it as being a good friend. She simply needs support for HER not for you. I know that sounds rough but that's what you can do.
Did you mean that she needs support for HER, but NOT from ME? So from my understanding, be her friend, but do not tell her that she can rely on me for support during this time of obvious confusion in her life?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
