I have done everything wrong....

[FellOnBlackDays]

Islander,
Guilt is a very, very heavy burden to bare. She brought it on herself, so let her carry it. Don't do anything that would relieve her of that right now. She asked for it, let it crush her. You don't owe her anything right now...

Congrats on going dark. It will get easier, I promise. I actually went dark for six weeks. It was hard at times, but it gets easier. Keep up the good work. Your efforts will pay off. Just keep coming here for support when you feel like you are going to crack. We are here for you!

FOBD

[islander]

Another day of darkness. I ignored 2 calls and 2 texts yesterday, the last one at 1am. I wanted to respond, but I just thought about W living with OM. That puts things into perspective for me when I start to feel that it is not right to ignore her. There is so much about what she is doing that is not right, and I am concerned about me not responding to her and how I am making her feel.

I am writing her a letter and will send it in a few days. It basically states my continuing love for her and my desire to work on our marriage, which I know she knows. But more importantly, i am letting her know that I have no desire to be her friend if we are not going to work on our marriage. I am going to tell her we will never have one without the other.

I don't know if this is the right move, but at this point it is how I feel and there really is no other option for us.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Hold onto the letter for a few days, think about it.
There are 4 levels of friendship...

There are aquaintances: these are people you see regularly, you know their names and a bit about their lives, you share small talk with them about the weather or what team won the game last night. A good example of this level of friend is the barista at your favorite coffee shop or the server at your favorite restaurant that knows your “usual” order. You’re on a first name basis and are always friendly toward them, but you wouldn’t invite them to your weekend BBQ.

There are casual friends: these are the friends you play with. They’re always up for a night out on the town, going to the beach or starting a recreational softball team. It’s a group of mutual friends and their families who get together often for social events. However, you rarely have serious discussions about happenings in the news, religion and spirituality or major life events. This level of friend is strictly for having fun.

There are freinds you share interests with and invite into your personal life. This level of friend is one you turn to for advice. You trust their input and value their opinions. They may be more educated and well read than other friends. They stay abreast of current events. You’re comfortable with these friends and can bounce any idea off them without fear of being laughed at.

There are intimate friends that you invite into you personal life, know all about you and history, perhaps been with you since kindergarten and like/love you anyway. They "get" you.

Your wife may no longer be in the innermost circle of friendship anymore and considering the situatuion that's fair.

Do you think you can put her in one of the outermost rings of friendship?

[islander]

I don't think I could ever be friends with her again. We shared the most intimate part of our lives together. Then one day she leaves me like it didn't even matter. Then she goes and plays house with OM. That is not something a true friend would do, let alone my W.

I really believe she thinks this will be easier for her if we are friends, and it has nothing to do with the way I feel. If she was concerned about my feelings, she would have never had A, and we would have been in counseling. She is not my friend now, and I will not work on our friendship unless she decides to work on our marriage.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I totally understand where you're coming from. See my signature and read my thread. My H up and left us too. My H has been dishonest and disloyal and planned this from a long way back and I had no clue. Friends don't treat each other the way our spouses have treated us, that's true.

Fact is that H and I will always have a relationship of some sort because we share children together.
Right now, for me he's in the outermost ring of friendship, and unless things on his end change, that's likely to remain that way. It gives us a place to start over though, a place to build from.

Do I trust him? No.
Do I want my M to work out? Yes.
Will my M ever be the same as it was? No. I hope it's better than it was!
Do I love the essential man that I married and I know who is still under there? Yes.
Do I want to give my M and the restoration of my family a chance. Yes.

That's why I'm here. That's why you're here posting is it not?

[Denver_2010]

Don't send the letter Islander.

[islander]

My W and I don't have any children together, so there is no reason to maintan any level of friendship, considering the lies and constant pain that has been inflicted. If we had any children together, then yes, she would remain in the outer most ring of friendship.

Believe me, I want our marriage to work, but I cannot be continually emotionally abused. I can withstand alot of pain and suffering for the greater good of out marriage. I know that our marriage would be stronger and better than it ever was, and that is why I continue to want to work on it.

And , I really believe that by letting her know where our marriage stands and our friendship ends, I am doing it for our benefit. It is a gamble, but I have nothing to lose at this point. I have already lost it. BUT I have found GOD and put my faith in him. I know I will be alright

[islander]

Denver, why not?

[Grocerykartman]

Islander,

You can't take back anything you write in the letter. It's not even like a heat of the moment statement that you can retract. A letter shows a lot of deep thought and effort which she may always remember.

A few questions for you:
1. WHAT do you deep down hope you will accomplish by sending her this letter?
2. We know what you want to say, but WHY do you want to say it, and WHY now?

She MAY never come around, but what if she wanted to? She might be doing the most unconscionable things right NOW, but dismissing her friendship with words you say now might make her feel like she could never come back to you, even if you both wanted to, or realized you had to, start as friends first. Also, just like with words and ultimatums, you'd have to back up your written statements over the long haul for her to believe in you regarding what you say (and write). Do you really want to be on the record of making this extreme statement?

Let your actions show her what you want to write. Meaning, if you feel you can't be friends with her while she's doing this, then keep staying dark and detaching. If you keep at the detaching, that will prove more effective than any words you could write. I think by writing, you're just showing you're losing your patience with the detaching process and essentially going back to pursuing her. And again its an extreme statement that you might wish you hadn't made a while from now.

I hope you don't send it. Think long and hard and with some futuristic thoughts before you do.

[islander]

If I don't send the letter, how fo I respond when we do speak as to why I have not taken any calls or texts?