W in long PA with another woman. I'm devastated.

[sparks14]

Sparks, DETACH NOW. Seriously, you need to stop snooping right now. I think what you found was very good news. Not much is going to happen in a 1 or 5 minute phone call. So let it go. I wouldn't mention it to your W.

It sounds to me like your W is doing the best she can do at the moment. Please remember that she is going through mourning right now and is probably not thinking clearly. And keep in mind that most of these WAS's lie. I don't think they lie necessarily to help themselves. Sometimes I think they do it to help us too. I don't think they want to inflict more hurt. I probably wouldn't have always thought that, but there are some WAS's on this site and it's incredibly insightful. They are good people. Some of them admit that they were good people, who made mistakes. We all do.

So... you need to stop obsessing, stop snooping and start detaching. Let's talk about how you can do these things. How can you pull this off??? MWD's books are about being solution focused. So let's start brainstorming some solutions to this issue...

Take care of yourself. I am praying for you.

LIS

Thanks again, LIS. I do need to stop snooping, because I do think that it only gets worse. Sometimes it is just so difficult to listen to the lies and want to seek the truth. In the end, I am not going to change my wife's honesty by simply catching her in lies.

I do question how some of it works, though. If I did not check my wife's email and prove the affair, where would I be now? My wife would tell the OW how my husband has no idea what is going on. She believed that she was completely safe. It is true what they say as affairs progress. The wayward spouse begins to get reckless, and this usually brings out the truth.

If it wasn't for the satin nightgown, I may not have checked for the intimate lingerie. If not for the lingerie, maybe I would not have found the note in the bedside table. If not for the note, I would never have checked the email.

I guess I understand the downward spiral of suspicion. I am not going to hold the 6 minutes of phone time over her head. Who knows what was said? I also realize that they all lie. I caught my wife in two lies just tonight. None that I really care about, but I even asked her to clarify, and she outright lied to me again. With the read emails, I know that two of her closest friends that live out of state know of the affair. One is sympathetic but wanted my wife to reveal the affair to me 7 months ago. The other is family oriented and not pleased in the least bit but still loves my wife as a friend. I have read the email correspondence between them.

I first asked my wife if she spoke to friend #1 often. She said not really. I then asked her if friend #1 knew of our issue. She told me no. I then asked if any of her friends knew of the affair. She said no in a matter of fact tone. I asked if she was sure that none of her friends knew. She said that none of her fiends knew what was going on. These are the little lies that irk me and make me want to investigate further.

I guess she is simply backtracking and trying to find stable ground right now. I will not tell her that I know the truth. I will keep being patient and let her figure out what she wants. At the same time, I will show her what an amazing husband and father I am. This is really difficult to do, though.