What should I do?

[Forrest Gump]

"It doesn't mean we love our men less, or find sex distasteful, it is OUR primary biological drive. When you value the children you had part in creating, play with them, laugh with them, cuddle them, you're on the same team with us, you value our efforts in raising decent human beings. We feel warmly affectionate to you."

But.. again.. I feel like I have done that and had that which I desire.. withheld. I will give you the point of I was missing something.

What now? It is.. kinda tit for tat from what you are posting. I agree. Help me make my actions more clear.

[MsRae]

Forest,

I have read through many of your posts. I hope that you keep posting.

Don't mean to sound too "Avatar"ish, but, I see you and I hear you.

Rae

[Forrest Gump]

"Turn about is fair play I suppose."

But.. my post came across as sarcastic.. or hurtful. Even J3B posted on it. He knew that I was not trying to scare you off. Why did you feel the need to pull back? Why did your words come out golden.. and mine were just "crap"? I used your words. I just inserted "get some" in them.

"She's trying to get your attention and not in the best way. I'm having difficulty changing the way I approach things with males too.
We do that when we deal with our kids. We know you're not our children, but switching gears is a little difficult."

I understand the WAW syndrome. To a T. She has said.. "I don't want to be your mother". So why is this all I hear about? Apply my drinking.. and my porn abuse to your thought. Heck for that matter just apply that I am a POS husband. How can I help you switch gears?

"4 years? Oh wow...no wonder you're ready to call it a day. I didn't know it was that long! In that case I think she needs to just do it, even if she's not feeling it...she then will feel like doing more of it eventually."

Thanks for understanding. But.. lets take my "needs" out. I am a big boy. I can handle it. I have porn. Give me your best shot on how I can encourage her. Action words will work best here.

"Have you asked her how she believes your interactions with your kids should look, given that you "play" with children differently than she would? Have you asked he what her expectations are?"

Yes. I asked her what a perfect day would be. Her response was the days at the beach. We took a vacation this past year with her family. I was up and cooking for everyone. Breakfast, Dinner. It was good times. But the last night there.. I suggested "get some". I was told we could do that when we got home. I am still at home. I am still lacking. I can't be "at the beach" every day. I don't expect her to either.

"The time here would be the dedicated 20 minutes or longer you would spend focused and interacting with your kids and only your kids. Not multitasking, not texting while saying "uhmm" as you look at your Blackberry screen and dash off a text. Not being mesmerized by a screen of some sort."

Our stitches are different. Work.. stays at Work. I am sorry that you had to put up with that. I can see how that would leave you lacking.

[Forrest Gump]

"You sound much different now ,than the person I have read for the past 3 years here. Much angrier, less forgiving, less willing to DO WORK....."

Go back and read my first posts. I am not angry. I am not less forgiving.

I am less willing to "Do Work".

I have every reason to feel that way. I am entitled to feel that way.

"How things looked then, compared to this time.

I am also wondering if all of the other stuff....work around the house, etc., wasn't just a distraction to the work that could have happened then.

And that the building of things, overtook the building of the relationship...."

I have a lot less FG in me this time around. Mostly because I don't think I should be "here" again. I feel like I have always picked up the pieces. Put things back together.

My mom was telling me tonight that I need to change.. but that at some point has to apply to the other person.

My wife said we needed "help".. but here I am.. 6 months later making that happen. Why does it become my job to make sure she follows thru?

I guess the big issue for me has been the "Work" around the house.. was my understanding of what would improve things. But it was not. She can live in a trailer and be happy.. or so I have heard. When I understood that what I was doing was not "helping" I gave up. Gave her control.

At the end of the day.. my needs are simple. Everyone here can understand that I need to "get some". So can she.. I am using her words. Her needs are robust.. and ever changing. I am listening but I am just not sure how to "be" that.

What I have been doing.. has not worked. I am looking for options.

We at this point.. have no R.

Because I don't spend time with the kids. Because I am unreliable. Because I am not meeting her needs. Because I drink too much. Because I like sex. Because I like porn.

Forrest is out of ideas.

And tired.

[Forrest Gump]

I hope I got everything in there. FB2.. 13 days no drinking.

[fb2]

'Personally I think she is scared of "Alone Time".'
'At the end of the day.. my needs are simple. Everyone here can understand that I need to "get some".'
This could be a win-win no!?

"One of my favorite things to do when someone calls me at work is as soon as they ask for my help..
I say "No". 99.9% of the time that get the other person smiling. I can hear it on the phone.. I can
see it on their faces. They know that I am not being serious."
Are 99.9$ of the calls from guys like us? I had some construction workers at my house last year and we did this all the time while getting a lot of work done. Women seem not to get this. So maybe try other flirting techniques?

'The main reason is that my son is always in bed with my wife.'
You think she's using him as a "shield"? Sort of like Lan'had that border patrol issue?
FYI my own S used to do this, only he was attached to me, not the W; even after the W went bye-bye
he'd get up at night and come to my bed. He's 10 now and only took to his own room in the last year;
I did do up his room with all his own stuff and that helped the transition but I think it has more
to do with going from baby to big boy.

'I hope I got everything in there. FB2.. 13 days no drinking.'
See I told you you are capable of lot more.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Forrest,

I'm going to make a few assumptions here, correct me if I am wrong.

You have always done the lion's share of the work, it's not that you are doing more now, it's just that you are tired of the role you took on without any signs of appreciation.

Your wife hasn't changed, she also has always been this way, but now it is upsetting you.

The lack of sex is a huge part of it?

Your getting apathetic.

Why bother?

Why indeed?

You busted your divorce, but the piecing never got off the ground. Thats the part where you both rebuild and you both have boundaries and you both aren't afraid to let the other know what you want and expect from each other.

After so much time Forrest you're talking about a lot of hard work, but if you're at the point where you're not sure it matters, then what do you have to lose?

You want direct advice?

No.

It's a suckers bet.

You get the wrong advice and things go wrong and it is not on you. Its on the person who gave it to you, no burden on you.

You say you're not willing to do the work, not sure if its apathy here or being afraid of it.

Before you dismiss that idea out of hand, consider this:

Why are you not attempting to engage with your daughter?

Direct advice on that one, START interacting with her, get a book,talk to friends who have daughters, but figure something out.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Well a huge problem is the 8 year old in your bed.
I too have the same issue. My little one wakes in the middle of the night goes to the toilet and wanders to my( once ours) bed.

Part of the reason is that he kicks off the covers at night and gets cold so he's seeking warmth and comfort. That was solved with making up a couple of cloth bags with rice and heating them in the microwave to put to bed with him. They release heat slowly over the night.
If he's missing you or Mom, either of you can wear a shirt for a week and put it in bed with him so your scent is there if you are not.

The other is ease of access. If I lock the door, he can't come in and goes back in his own bed, or joins his big brother.
It is a developmental issue too. As one poster pointed out, it tends to stop when they hit 10 years old.

From your wife's perspective seeing as your son is hitting her up in the night, it's easy to let a kid in bed when you're sleep deprived, tired and just don't have the energy to fight them and kick them out of your room. A little planning and talking goes a long way to your spouse and to the child

"Son I know you love to crawl into bed with us is really nice and we love cuddles" ,then state when it's permissible and when it's not, and what the consequence will be ( discuss this with your wife before hand so you're on the same page). " Honey I know you're really tired when X comes to the room so, let's agree to do this ______when son wanders in. I love you and want to be with you spending time in peace and with privacy.

If you don't have a lock on your bedroom door, get one.
Perhaps consider that it's you that has to escort the child back to his own bed when he does come in. You may have to take control here to get what you want.
None of this is easy Forest, but you have the opportunity to take the lead. I know you're tired and feel like you've done nothing but give for very little return.
But it goes back to what Denver has posted a few times already.

What's your defniniton of unconditional love? What does it look it like? Is love a feeling? Is it a decision and choice? Is it a noun or a verb?

Forest you're not alone here, if you look at some of my posts you'll see the same longing in them.

[MsRae]

FG,

I hope that I don’t offend you for some of things I am about to say.

I’ve always enjoyed a healthy sex life with my h and don’t really understand women that don’t.

I reread through much of your earlier posts from ’07. You said that your W had an EA with another man. Multiple EA’s. Did they ever turn physical or would you rather not say?

Why would she have an EA? Did she ever say? I don’t mean to sound harsh, but what was the EA providing her that you weren’t? I don’t think he was hanging out with the kids and doing stuff around the house. Those things ARE important though.

Typically an EA that never becomes physical, is to fulfill an emotional need that is not being met. Was that the case for her?

You have said that she is beautiful. Do you tell her that?

Does she see the porn as competition? It’s hard to compete with a perfect 20 year body that has never had kids. What does she say?

All I can tell you is what my husband used to do with me. It filled something that was just for me and made me feel loved, secure and amazing. He is physical touch as well. I am quality time and words of encouragement.

If I was in the kitchen getting dinner ready or whatever and he would walk up behind me, wrap his arms around my waist, gently brush my hair away from my neck and then breathe in deep. He brush a kiss along my neck and say, “you smell amazing and are a sight for sore eyes.” Then he would walk away. It left me wanting more.

I was telling him a story once. I was sitting on the coffee table, indian style and he was on the couch. I talk with my hands, always have. It was a funny story and I was laughing. At one point, I brought my hands together and leaned forward towards him. He reached out and grabbed my hands and said, “do you know what a beautiful creature you are?”

He would say little things like that all the time. I would walk into a room in just jeans and a t-shirt and he would say, “my God, you are just stunning.”

My h is not good about sharing his deepest thoughts with me. He didn’t tell me in long love notes or deep conversations the depth of his love for me.

I didn’t need him to. Those little things always made me feel like he loved me and noticed me.

You may have tried all of these things already.

I’m sorry that you’re tired. I'm tired too.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Ms.Rae...you were lucky in that.