Your house sounds a lot like mine used to be. It's tough with 3 young kids. But if there is no other man around, you do sound like the kind of couple that Retrouvaille can help. It is no magic pill. It's the training that you should have had when you first got married. Somehow, we don't seek it out until we have really screwed up. Show her the pages from the website again. Especially the one about the 4 stages of marriage and what the misery stage looks like. Cause that's where you are! It can get better. But it takes work and commitment. But you are a family, not a couple. And the kids deserve to have parents who care enough about their welfare to spend a weekend together at Retrouvaille, listening to what the people there have to say. Remember, it is not group therapy. You will not be telling your troubles to anyone. You will just learn how to communicate well with each other.
It saved my marriage. Good luck. The hardest part is getting there.
It's wishful thinking to expect both spouses to walk into Retrouvaille with enthusiasm. There's almost always one spouse who worked pretty hard to get the other spouse to go. Sometimes it pays off, and sometimes it doesn't. But the couple that walks in the door and spends the weekend, listening to what they have to say, and doing the exercises the way they teach you to do them, has a 50% chance of healing their marriage. It is worth the effort to try to get a spouse to go.
Last post didn't show up and I wanted to get something on the record.
Grocerykartman.....
I want to thank you for your words about looking at the sitch. in a different light. I took kids bowling last night and forced myself to look at the events in the way you suggested. It felt weird at first but I know I enjoyed the night better by looking at it as the kids are having more fun because I am watching my temper and not the other way around.
So,
I have been trying my best to go dark for a little over a week now and it has been hard. I have slipped up and made contact once or twice but for the most part I have avoided all unneeded contact. As I said, it has only been a week but I feel like I am not going to make it. Everytime I see myself taking steps forward I find changes that the W is making. New debit bank accounts, changes to bills in the house. I see these things and my mind tells me that W is moving forward regardless of what I am doing. When this happens, I fall back lower than I was before.
This weekend should be heaven on earth for me. Been a Steeler fan since I was born and one of the greatest part of football was to have my family together for the games. This will be the first SB that my team has been in (that I was alive to see) that my family will not be with me. Kids will be with me for half of game but asked the W before I started DB to be there also. Didn't say yes or no. She called me today to ask a ? about the kids and wanted to know when I was coming to get them on sunday. Got my answer.
Not knowing the future is killing me! Before DB we talked for 3hrs and I told my side which is that I want to work on it. She knows my point of view. She could have told me my mind is made up but didn't. She filed a month ago and I still haven't been served. I feel like I want to sit down with her and tell her that "You know how I feel. You know I don't want to walk away, but the suspense is to much. How can I start to move on if I am analyzing your every move and I am hanging on to hope by a thread?" Are we going to work on it or go our separate ways? I am thinking that if I have that final answer then I could being to heal. But I am sure that I will just be shooting myself in the foot.
So many ways to hurt, not enought time in the day.
Almost immediately after sending in my last post, I receive a call from W screaming that my D7 had hurt herself and that I needed to get to the house ASAP. D7 (right arm in sling after breaking it a month ago) fell on the hardwood floor inside the house and broke her fall with her two front teeth. Needless to say they were smashed and we were on our way to the ER and dentist. I spent all night going over the top of trying to get my D7 to get her mind off of her teeth and to laugh. It wasn't easy but by the end of the night she was laughing and being silly. BY the time that I dropped them off and went and got her med's I was exhausted but was in a great mood because even thou I am going through this, I was there for kid.
Next night, I contact the wife and ask to talk to her after the kids go to bed. She agrees and we speak for a few hours. I hear about how great the last few weeks have been without me, how that when I have them for one a three days during the week, its like a free pass for her to have fun. Im told that she dowsn't want to do this but has no other choice. If it doesn't happen now then she will not be able to do it again in the future. She tells me that she probably wont change her mind this time. She says that she will think about Retrouvaille but doen't know if she wants the program to work. According to her she has checked out.
I listened and and didn't get mad but just told her she has to do what makes her happy but that I will not help her leave this marriage by making it easier on her. It is her decision and I will not take the guilt off of her by agreeing with it. I tried to tell her this in a nice but straight forward way.
So I will continue to go about my bettering myself and working on my 180's. Right now all I have is hope. Problem is that I am running low on it.
