What should I do?

[Forrest Gump]

"We don't know the level of your alcohol use or what you are like when you drink. YOU might not know what it's like for her when you drink."

Ok.. so I drink alot. I have an addictive personality. When it it not focused on something "good" it goes bad. I do know what it is like for her when I drink. I have been at her house.. I have seen what she grew up with.

"At worst case, if you chose not to work through this, you would have a real understanding of the impact of your actions."

But.. I understand it.. the impact of my actions. To me.. I am trying NOT to prove a point. To her I am. I try to move close.. and I find rejection. I move away.. more rejection. I drink to "get away". I don't drink to confront.

"She does love you or she wouldn't be around you."

Is this what keeps me stuck in the cycle?

"She knows the hero you are, the same guy we see on the board. She wants better for you and herself--because, well, she knows how good it can be"

I am not a hero. I am the guy you see on the board.

To put that in my own words.. I am the guy that will bend over backwards to make sure that you are better than me. I am not the guy that wants to impress you with my words. I want people to "see" me for who I am. If they think I am screwed up.. fantastic. If they think I am "mean/sarcastic" so be it.

"And unfortunately, you have to make a decision. Actually, not one. LOTS of decisions about this -- you have to make them every single day."

And I am. Right now I am still following the DB rules. I am not acting on my emotions and I am watching and waiting. I could walk away and say I have done all I can do. I have the post count to show it. No one would challenge it.

"Same thing with the porn--everyone has an acceptable level."

This is not something that has been an issue this time. I have only been using here recently. I can't excuse it.. but I have my limits.

"that's the thing we seldom do here on this board. We blame our partner."

I have tried to change that. In my own way. I don't think I have blamed her at all in this. Simply because it is my post and I like to talk about me. I have failed just as much as she has. But at times I feel like I have stepped up more than she has. Everyone has a breaking point.

"I respect you. Enormously."

Thank You.

I am not sure I deserve it.

I Love you too.. SG the Mod.

[Forrest Gump]

Scylla_Charibdis

I will get to your posts. I have read them and will respond.

Just so you know.. when you are posting to me I hate the text boxes. Just give me a little clip of what you are responding to and I will get it.

Thanks for responding!

[Queen_of_Swords]

I don't like doing them Forrest. It's really confusing when you edit a long post to respond to certain sections that way.

[Forrest Gump]

"can you please give us some info about the sitch? Like what you said about you sleeping in different rooms etc. How ar eyour schedules? Did you ever manage to find time alone?"

Well in 2007 we went thru this exact same thing. I moved out and she had a friend. Early in 2008 we got back together and had our "honeymoon" phase. After some time passed she indicated that she was feeling pressured. So I backed off. She got a new job at the end of 2008. We were a one income family up until that point. 2009 brought on the normal stuff. I had to take some "time off" from work. We were still fairly "happy". By the end of 2009 we were not "happy". Money was tight kids were messing up. My Grandfather passed away and we had to put my Grandma in a home. Christmas time came around and we fell into some of Grandpa's money. Everything seemed better. We talked some about what we would do with the "money" and it was decided that we should create a "better life". So we paid off all the debts. We started funds for college. We planned a vacation. We got a new car. We started "working" on the house.

So.. early 2010 was the start of a lot of work for me. We knocked down a wall.. we paid people to come in and paint and fix up things. There was plumbing to do. There was carpet to rip up. There was new floors to put down.

In the midst of this we were emailing every day and talking about what needed to be done.

Then one day.. it came to a head. We had a discussion about things. She indicated that she was not "happy" and that things were not working. I looked at her and said.. Then why are we doing "all this". She at that point said.. I don't know.

The next day she emailed me and said that she was still holding a lot of anger towards me and did not really understand why. She felt at that point that we needed to get some help to figure out why. I agreed and said that I did not have much hope for us.. but was willing to give it a shot.

Nothing.

At that point I just stopped. She said she had control of the situation and I was waiting to see what she did. I even told my mom that I was not going to do anything to push that along. It was the first time in a long time I had seen my wife stand up for something. But.. she did not follow thru.

By the end of 2010 we were living separate lives. So the "Bomb" showed up.

Does that catch you up?

"Because I now, truly believe that the BEST thing I can do for my kids is to be HAPPY with their dad. PERIOD."

This is how I feel.. and it has been lacking. I feel like I have expressed in every way possibly that it starts with me and her. I am not saying it the right way.. or she does not understand.

"How does that help you, you may ask me. I dont know"

Give me a new way to express it.

[Forrest Gump]

"I don't like doing them Forrest."

Just free post then.. I can read a wall of text.

If you will notice.. everyone posting to me is not using the boxes.

I have something to learn from you. I am glad you are still posting!!

[Queen_of_Swords]

I'm happy to help if I can F.G.

[Mach1]

Forrest,

I heard you were up here...

At the risk of rousing you too much... : )

You sound much different now ,than the person I have read for the past 3 years here. Much angrier, less forgiving, less willing to DO WORK.....

I'm wondering if the signs were the same now, as they were in '07.

How things looked then, compared to this time.

I am also wondering if all of the other stuff....work around the house, etc., wasn't just a distraction to the work that could have happened then.

And that the building of things, overtook the building of the relationship....



If I remember correctly, we are close enough for a cup of coffee one day....

[fb2]

Its so quiet here, my ears hurt.

[Forrest Gump]

"Its so quiet here, my ears hurt."

That was a good post FB2.

I know I am slow on the updating.. and the answering of questions. As usual a lot of things have been happening in my life. I find myself tired and not willing to devote the time to post. Nothing much has changed at this point. I have a lot of "work" at Work. We finally bought "something" and now have 7 weeks to make it happen.

So.. on to the questions and filling in...

"can you please give us some info about the sitch? Like what you said about you sleeping in different rooms etc. How are your schedules? Did you ever manage to find time alone?"

The last post was just kinda a catch up. From my point of view. Why I am acting the way I am.

We are sleeping in separate rooms for a few reasons. The main reason is that my son is always in bed with my wife. I have asked and devoted a reasonable amount of time to getting him to sleep in his room. I have purchased a dvd player. I have redecorated. I have said "I would like for S to sleep in his bed." I have to move him every night. To her letting him fall asleep in the bed is just quality time. So when I put him in his room.. and he comes back.. she pulls the covers back for him.

We don't go to sleep at the same time. But back in the day (after we got back together) I used to talk to her before she went to sleep. This is hard to do with a 8 year old.. not going to sleep. I feel I have been clear on this.. and I have every reason to believe that she understands why I am asking for this simple thing.

As far as our schedules she gets home about 30-45 mins before I do. So most of the time when I walk in the door everyone is hungry. I find myself being the "go boy" 80% of the time. Even when things were "good". She has never really cooked. Or even gone to the store. I am just not sure how I am supposed to work in "kid time" when from the min I walk in the door.. I have dinner "duty".

Personally I think she is scared of "Alone Time".

[Forrest Gump]

"With fb2 I will say that if you are as sarcastic in real life as you are hear that could be the problem. I don't know what you are like in real life and may not be that way at all, but if you use the same method of communication I know I would feel like I am constantly beneath you and never someone you cared about."

To me.. the people that post here.. whether they mean to or not.. are going to give you a clear picture of who they are. If this is what you think I am about.. based on my posts.. well I can't change that. If I define that more.. I would say you have not read enough of my posts. I am sarcastic. But there is most likely a reason I am that way. One of my favorite things to do when someone calls me at work is as soon as they ask for my help.. I say "No". 99.9% of the time that get the other person smiling. I can hear it on the phone.. I can see it on their faces. They know that I am not being serious. They know that I am gonna do what I can to help them. Those people have only known me for 4 years. I am pushing 17 years with my wife. Maybe it gets old.. maybe it gets misunderstood. I am who I post as. What you see.. is what you get.