25 Years Gone...?

[tadpole1025]

Jack, how were you able to forgive her for the OM?

[MsRae]

Tad,

I hear how bad you are hurting and I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

I’m new to DB’ing, but not new to pain or life’s obstacles. All I can tell you is my own experience.

I have been cheated on by every man I have ever loved. Hurts just saying it. This is the first time I have stayed.

The only way to heal from something like this is straight through it.

You can’t go around it.

You can’t go under it.

You can’t go over it.

Straight through it is the only way. Let yourself hurt and feel it. If you get angry talk about it here. Write the email...get it all out...then delete it.

For me, I had to grieve the fact that my M was no longer pure and just between the two of us. Even though my h had a one time slip (God, I hope) it still hurt really bad.

As far as forgiveness goes...IMO, forgiveness, whether your M works out or not, is for you. Forgiveness really does set you free. I heard something the other day and I can’t remember where, but it was that forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could be anything other than what it was. Made sense, to me.

I’m going to tell you a little story. My daughter was almost 3 when we discovered that she had been molested by my MIL. She was about 4 when the following conversation took place. I was drying her hair.

D: Momma, does Jesus live in GM and GP’s heart?

Me: Well, honey, that’s something that only Jesus knows for certain, but sometimes you can tell things by how people act. It’s hard to say, baby girl.

D: Momma, could Jesus give them each a piece of my heart so that they can find God for themselves. I know that GM hurt me bad, but that’s ok because I have you and I have Jesus.

Today, that same little girl is 16. She insisted that we have her grandmother here for Christmas so that she didn’t have to be alone, in a nursing home for the holidays.

Forgiveness sets YOU free.

[angel61]

Ms. Rae,

That made me tear up. Thats why the Bible says that unless we become like children we cannot enter the kingdom of God.

It is so hard to forgive but better to be the one giving it than needing to receive it.

Tad, you can and you will be able to do it. I realize that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. It does not mean to say you will not resent the OM, or your W's choices, but it will keep you from reacting to the feeling.

Choose to forgive consciously, and the feeling and conviction will follow.

[tadpole1025]

I’m going to tell you a little story. My daughter was almost 3 when we discovered that she had been molested by my MIL. She was about 4 when the following conversation took place. I was drying her hair.

D: Momma, does Jesus live in GM and GP’s heart?

Me: Well, honey, that’s something that only Jesus knows for certain, but sometimes you can tell things by how people act. It’s hard to say, baby girl.

D: Momma, could Jesus give them each a piece of my heart so that they can find God for themselves. I know that GM hurt me bad, but that’s ok because I have you and I have Jesus.

Today, that same little girl is 16. She insisted that we have her grandmother here for Christmas so that she didn’t have to be alone, in a nursing home for the holidays.

Forgiveness sets YOU free.

[tadpole1025]

Wow.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you. Maybe in time, I'll be able to forgive. I guess if I want the marriage to work, I will have to.

[tadpole1025]

I have one more question for all you good folks out there. I was looking at pictures this evening and I noticed that my W's face has changed. Something with the eyes. It seems like she is there but isn't there. If I look at her and recent pictures of her, it is almost like I am looking into a shell. It's almost like she isn't there. Has anybody heard of such a thing? Her eyes seem very different.

Also, as much as I hate to be here, it is nice knowing that I can come here when I have a question or just need to vent and I thank you for that.

Tadpole1025

[Lorie1964]

If I look at her and recent pictures of her, it is almost like I am looking into a shell. It's almost like she isn't there.

My H has the same vacancy in his eyes. MLC glaze over! It really is freaky looking at him and know that he really isn't looking back at anyone or anything. They are looking only at themselves. MLC is about selfishness.

God Bless,

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Jack, how were you able to forgive her for the OM?

Tadpole,

If you cannot forgive her, then this is a waste of your time.

[angel61]

Tad,
Re: vacant eyes. dead eyes. inward looking eyes - yes, you see that a lot in MLC and many here describe theirs S eyes as changed. I notice that in my H as well - he's is more of inward looking, as though his eyes are closed even when open. His mouth also appears pinched. I can tell right away when I see him when he is in the grip of MLC. I can also tell when he peeks out of the tunnel through is expression. His old pictures look so open, so relaxed, his new pics are as though he has tightened and is holding himself in.