Last post didn't show up and I wanted to get something on the record.
Grocerykartman.....
I want to thank you for your words about looking at the sitch. in a different light. I took kids bowling last night and forced myself to look at the events in the way you suggested. It felt weird at first but I know I enjoyed the night better by looking at it as the kids are having more fun because I am watching my temper and not the other way around.
So,
I have been trying my best to go dark for a little over a week now and it has been hard. I have slipped up and made contact once or twice but for the most part I have avoided all unneeded contact. As I said, it has only been a week but I feel like I am not going to make it. Everytime I see myself taking steps forward I find changes that the W is making. New debit bank accounts, changes to bills in the house. I see these things and my mind tells me that W is moving forward regardless of what I am doing. When this happens, I fall back lower than I was before.
This weekend should be heaven on earth for me. Been a Steeler fan since I was born and one of the greatest part of football was to have my family together for the games. This will be the first SB that my team has been in (that I was alive to see) that my family will not be with me. Kids will be with me for half of game but asked the W before I started DB to be there also. Didn't say yes or no. She called me today to ask a ? about the kids and wanted to know when I was coming to get them on sunday. Got my answer.
Not knowing the future is killing me! Before DB we talked for 3hrs and I told my side which is that I want to work on it. She knows my point of view. She could have told me my mind is made up but didn't. She filed a month ago and I still haven't been served. I feel like I want to sit down with her and tell her that "You know how I feel. You know I don't want to walk away, but the suspense is to much. How can I start to move on if I am analyzing your every move and I am hanging on to hope by a thread?" Are we going to work on it or go our separate ways? I am thinking that if I have that final answer then I could being to heal. But I am sure that I will just be shooting myself in the foot.
So many ways to hurt, not enought time in the day.
