Be the Lighthouse

[Denver_2010]

When you give it without the expectation of return you will not have the pain.

You are right Grit. I do have expectations. I don't tell W this, but inside, I do.

I also know that if W came to me 5 years after D and told me that she and SS needed help that I would do everything in my power to help them.

You also will decide when you are doing it to "appear" nice to your W or if it is something you would do for a freind in need.
The latter coming not expecting anything.

I don't know Grit. I think that it can actually be both. Like I said, I know that if W and I D and she came to me months or years down the road and told me that she needed help, that I would give it to her if I could. I would do that for any of my friends now.

I admit that I would NOT have expectations of my friends for any help that I would give them now, and I would NOT have any expectations from W years after D, assuming that I had truly moved on by that point, and that I DO hold expectations from my W now. But these expectations our my for my own selfish and personal wants and desires. They are in my mind and are not put out to W as a condition for me helping her. In other words, the existence of these expectations does NOT change the fact that I would help my W as I would a friend.

Also this can be a slippery slope if you give her "everything" out of love you are not being fair to her or to you.

If you fix things repeatedly for her she will begin to resent you and you her.
KWIM?

You are ABSOLUTELY correct. Since my W left a little over 2 months ago, this is the first time that she has asked for my help, and I have not offered it. The only bills of her's that I continue to pay for are car insurance (which is attached to mine), her health insurance (again, attached to mine), and our gym membership (which she isn't even using right now). Oh, I guess that I still pay for her cell phone bc it is a package deal with my business phones. But early on, she offered to pay for her share of all of these things. I did decline her offer bc I knew that there was no way that she'd be able to afford it.

At first, there was a little resentment on my part bc I felt like I was letting myself be a doormat. But ultimately, I decided that all of this assistance was short term and making her pay me back would be petty at this point.

So always ask yourself WHY you do something.

You are right. But again, I think that there can be situations where there are multiple reasons why I choose to do something for her. This money thing last night is one such situation. If she had told me, "H, I don't have money to go out with my girlfriends can you help me?" There is no question in my mind that I would have politely declined.

why do you think your attached and why can't you detach more?

I did work really hard on being detached from early December until about 2 weeks ago. I made some progress and it did get me to a more stable emotional state. I think that this is the most important purpose of detaching early on with these sitch's. But I also decided that I was not ready to completely detach. I needed to do it just enough to be in a better emotional state personally and also enough to allow my W have the space and time that she needs, and to see that I wasn't going to continue to beg, plead and chase her to come back.

But I've made a choice, albeit a temporary one, NOT to go any further with detachment. I believe that I will reconcile with my W. I am focused on changing some things about myself that were not healthy for me or for my M. And I also believe that a big part of what is motivating me to make those changes is the pain that I'm going through. The pain from our situations hurts like hell, but that doesn't make it a bad thing necessarily. I think that we grow from feeling pain. Without pain, we sometimes forget how blessed we are when we have happiness instead. I guess I'm allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling right now.

Certainly there is a point when allowing myself to continue to feel this pain will be unhealthy, and I am conscious that there will be, at some point, a need to work towards a higher level of detachment. I'm just not there yet.

Like you have told me... The pain will guide me. And it has.

You may not realize this but your W has tremendous amount of guilt for what is happening.

Guess what the number one trigger of that is for her?

Yup. YOU.

Think of her as a turkey that you just put into the oven.

You keep opening the door and poking her to see if she's done.

When you see she hasn't begun to cook or not done to a point you think she should be...

It hurts.

Denver I know this because I did it.

Think of how far you have come in your own growth.

Now think how much help you had with people here...reading...experiencing...questioning and learning.

Your W does not have that. It will take time. HER time.

And it will happen on her pace NOT yours.

You have made so much progress...this next part

Is tough.

I know I got so pissed at the person trying to tell me. I was walking along my path, happy detached little Truegritter until I would interact with my W and feel like sh!t.

I know. This is the hard part. Realizing that my W has to heal at her own pace. I want that turkey to be done NOW... and it isn't. Not yet.

I may not be patient Grit, but I am resilient. I will move forward and allow her to come to me on her terms... or not. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to poke her every so often to see if she's done though. I need to tread carefully though.

She opens the door...

I told her that I didn't have any real plans and said to her "you guys should come over and watch it with me... we can make some queso."

You shove it open.
Her reaction left you feeling...?

Happy that she would even consider it. Hopeful that she will accept the invite. Full of expectations.

I will not pressure her about Sunday. In fact, I plan to not even contact her about it. I will wait to hear from her. If she accepts, fantastic! If not, it will sting, but I will be okay. I will continue to move forward.