Thanks so much for sharing your experience, and suggesting the book. I'm googling it now. With luck it's an e-book!
My W grew up in a tumultuous home. M was an alcoholic with some sleep and psychotic disorders, B has rather severe bipolar disorder. In her case, her F was probably the only stable one - a small business owner and really nice man - and she adores him. He might have had a hard time dealing with all this (I would) and I don't know how much he was really "there" during this time. I know she had absolutely no rules and learned to be independent from a young age. So, in short, you're almost certainly right about her becoming her own protector.
I, on the other hand, grew up in a stable, too quiet, very boring household. (Seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding?)
A few family therapists have pointed out to me that her behavior - never wanting to slow down or talk about things, a disinterest in feelings - is pretty common in those with alcoholic parents.
This is perhaps the biggest problem we have. She wants me to "be a man" and lead but so won't let me get out in front. She likes to set the schedule, run the finances. And since we married fairly young (at 24) and her family is a big, fun (but a little crazy) group it was easy for me to follow their lead. (though at work I'm a capable manager and leader - so at least I have some potential in this area).
She reacts very negatively to weakness or OR talks, or indecisiveness or needing reassurance, or wanting to be intimate. Asking her to talk about our R seems to actually cause her physical pain.
Well, so now you know what hasn't been working. Any suggestions for what would work to get through to her?
