W in long PA with another woman. I'm devastated.

[sparks14]

Sparks,

That is awesome that you got to spend some alone time with the baby!!!

You have to stop... you HAVE TO stop asking about the OW. I know where you are coming from and I know that you need reassurance, but you can't get it from her right now. And the more you ask, appear vulnerable, insecure, etc., the more you will push her straight out the door. Period. You have to stop. It's time for you to be tough. You can come here and let us know all of your feelings about insecurity and distrust, but you cannot do that in front of her. This is your safe zone. She is not at the moment. You need to play this smart.

Also, do not show her your book. OK? Don't. Your wife has help for herself. Showing her that book is going to do nothing more than make her feel guilty and that is not an emotion you want to evoke under any circumstance. I, myself, try my best to avoid people who evoke negative feelings in me at all costs.

With that said, your ace in the hole is your support of your wife. A lot of people would have reacted differently and you didn't. So, you are starting way ahead of most. Give yourself the best possible chance you can because you deserve it.

Hang in there. We're on your side!!!

LIS

Thanks, LIS. My wife and I are actually very good about putting the baby first. Neither of us want to prevent access and care for the baby which is awesome. Like I said before, co-parenting is W's primary focus right now. We are trying to split care as close to the middle as possible right now. Our couples therapist even recommended we write out an agreement and get it notarized. Works for me. W is also open to spend time together with baby during bedtime routine, etc. I welcome this, but in my heart, I just wish she would understand that this is our home and come back to it.

I will stop asking about the OW. Made me look very vulnerable last night. To me, I just want to her to understand the ramifications. It has been made clear, that divorce is looming if affair continues. I guess I just have to leave it with that message. Plus, what benefit of reassurance do I get if she is simply lying to my face?

I will avoid the book. She is just not sure what the reconciliation / forgiveness / trust rebuild process entitles. I just wish I could have somebody besides myself show her the wonderful knowledge presented in that book. Plus, my W worships Oprah. The fact that Michelle appeared on Oprah would validate her in my wife's mind as a authoritative resource.

I will keep supporting my wife with everything I have, but I also need to be strong and stand my ground if she begins treating me like a doormat.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.