I have done everything wrong....

[Denver_2010]

Man, I'm sorry to hear that news. What does your MIL think of your W's actions and choices?

I do want to remind you though that all of our S's are doing things that we never thought that they would. Remember, your W is human and has human failings. Like all of us, she is going to make mistakes in her life... that is what she is doing now. All you can do is be the best man that you can possibly be... be the BETTER MAN... be consistent with that... and maybe... just maybe.. she will come out of this fog that she is in and realize the error of her ways. There is still hope man. There is.

Hang in there!

BITS!
Denver

[Denver_2010]

I will also throw this out there for you Islander. Someone on this board once posted that it can actually be a good thing for an A to just move forward. What?! you ask... Well, here is the idea. Affairs are new, exciting, and forbidden to those who engage in them. The OP is new and exciting... and in the mind of the cheating spouse, doesn't have the flaws that they see in the non-cheating spouse.

But once the affair becomes, in essence, a relationship, all of those fantasy ideals disappear eventually. The "affair" will no longer be new, exciting and forbidden... it will just be, well, a relationship. The OP will cease to be new, exciting and flawless... he/she will eventually be just another person. I think that cheating spouses believe that they have found their soul mates when they enter into an affair, but it is usually just a fantasy. A break from the reality of the every day life. That will fade eventually regardless. But I think that maybe A's have to go through a process. And part of that process is it coming out in the open and more into a R type of situation bw the OP and the cheating spouse.

Your W does not love OM. She is just infatuated. She will realize this eventually. The question will you be there when she does? Do you want to still be there when she does?

BITS
Denver

[islander]

My MIL FIL do not support W in this at all. They both feel that she walked away from the M with out even trying. There was nothing wrong in our R that could not have been fixed with a little work and counseling.

Anyway, I just got home from work and getting ready for bed. W is supposed to come by this morning for a few more things and to straighten up our Ds room I am very nervous and praying that I have the strength to say the rigt things and to be strong.

[islander]

W called and said she was tired and wanted to know if we could get together tomorrow to do an errand together. I acted as umf I did not know we were supposed to get together, then told her I would do it myself.

FIL just informed me he ran into OM and spoke to him for about twenty minutes. OM listened but did not say much. OM stated he was filing D from his W in February.

I have been struggling with wether or not to speak to OM myself. I don't think ut would do any good, especially since they are now living together. But I still think about it. Any thoughts.

I feel more hopeless than ever about ever getting a chance to work on our M.

[Grocerykartman]

I think you just dignify the bad situation even more by having any contact with OM. If the OM had any conscience to begin with, he wouldn't be shacking up with a married woman. You most likely won't get through to him, and in some cases, like in mine, that just delighted him more. I confronted the homewrecker one time, didn't get out all the things I wanted to say, and feel like an idiot to this day for even demeaning myself to that level. That's what speaking to him does, takes you down to his level.

I might caution you too about getting too far involved with the MIL and FIL in any kind of quest to end this affair/situation. Let's say at some point she reconsiders things...she might want to, but then she's got the daunting task of facing you and FIL and MIL, all against her greatly. Would you be up for that challenge if the situation were reversed? I'm not saying break all contact by any means. But I am saying you probably need to let this whole topic go as far as they're concerned. You know what's going on with your W, no realy mystery at this point. And its not like she is shamed because the MIL and FIL know either, because she's still with OM. Use the time you are spending discussing the situation with them to keep on working on the GAL. My 2 cents.

Hope you are doing ok.

[Denver_2010]

I agree with Grocery. Don't contact the OM. What would you hope to accomplish?

OM is nothing to you. Your focus should be on yourself right now.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

I don't think I will contact OM, but I do think about it. FIL did not talk to OM today. He talked to one of W friends who helped her move. W friend was shocked to find out that we did not have serious problems, and that lack of affection was her main complaint (don't know what W tells people).

MIL and FIL are upset with her for the way she has turned their back on them, is not concerned about her D Well being, as well as the fact that she walked out on her M without working on it. This is W second marriage and she left her first M in much the same way as she is leaving ours.

[islander]

I have not contacted W for two days now, except for a short email about a bill, and it is very hard emotionally. W sent me a text the next day saying she got my email, then later a text saying "i'm sorry" (sorry for what). I did not respond to either, but the second one was harder to ignore.

I went to church last night, and it really helps me put things in perspective, and to accept my situation. The pastor talked alot about relationships and not being able to change another person, only being able to change yourself; that having faith in the Lord and His purpose for you can get you through the bad times, and to accept that you are not in control; and to ask Him for something good to come out of something bad. He said it alot better of course, but it spoke to me.

This is so hard, and I really feel that there is no hope for my M. I am going to concentrate on my relationship with God, and pray that something good comes out of this, whatever that may be.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Islander,
I just noticed something interesting. Your W and my W dropped the ILYBNILWY on the exact same day (10/25/10). I guess it didn't matter to my W that that day happened to be my 39th birthday...

Look, don't confront the OM. It will make things worse. You have nothing to gain and a ton to lose. This will only anger your W and put you in a bad light. Just try to let him go for now. Yes, this dude is a piece of trash that should taken out like garbage. Who in their right mind would go after another man's W??? But, I guess not all of us had a good upbringing like you and I did where we were taught right from wrong.

Hang in there, buddy!

FOBD

[islander]

Thanks for all of hour support everybody. I am sorry I have not given anybody else feedback on their threads, but I am on this forum almost entirely with my iPhone and it is frustrating even to write on my own thread.

I am not going to contact OM. I know nothing I say would matter. I would look like a fool and he would hear less of what I say than when I spoke to W.

FOBD,
Our Ws really do have great timing. You got the ILYBNILWY on your birthday, my W moved out the day after mine, and spent the night of my birthday texturing OM non stop from the next room. They really don't have a conscience it seems., as the we all went through this in the middle of the holidays too.

This is the start of my third day going dark (second if you count the email about the bill) and it is hard. What makes it a little easier is that I have been working a lot of OT with 12 to 18 HR days, and will not be off again until Tuesday. I keep thinking about the text W sent stating she was sorry. I know she is not by her actions, but then why do I let it bother me?

Sometimes I start to feel so detached that I don't feel anything, but then it all comes rushing back to me. The not feeling scares me sometimes, bc I imagine that is how she feels all of the time!