W in long PA with another woman. I'm devastated.

[sparks14]

Today's update. Last night was a night wife and I agreed that I would take care of our 5 month old over night. This is only the second time ever, so it has still been an adjustment. She refuses to stop breastfeeding for now (am sure this will have to change at some point). Picked my son up at 5:30 from her and brought him home. Had a great time playing for a couple of hours. Got going through his bedtime routine of feeding solids, bath, reading book, giving bottle, and then to bed.

Tonight also happen to be the first night that my wife has had really any alone time, since the affair was opened. Her brother and brother's girlfriend were going out to a concert. Wife would be alone at brother's apartment. She said that she was welcoming the me time, would put her pj's on, and maybe watch a movie. Due to the recent affair and lack of trust, my mind immediately started thinking about contacted with OW. She had told me no contact was recommended by her therapist, my original note stated the significance, and she has confirmed there still has been no contact. These have all been her words, so trust is a factor.

She was planning on coming over to give me more breast milk that she had been pumping throughout the night. The first time was really early. She only had just an ounce, the weather was crap outside, so I told her that it was just fine. I had enough to lat into the night, but she said she was already on her way. It really stoked suspicion.

When my wife got to the house. I told her that I didn't want her to be defensive, but I needed her to reassure me that there would be and has been no contact with OW. She did get a little defensive. She said that was welcoming her first alone time. I told her that I am not asking much here and have been very understanding, I just needed reassurance, especially since this was her first night alone for several hours.

I told her this affair is still heavy on my heart. I told her that everything has been going great as far as our rebuilding, communication, and going to therapy together. I then told her that she knows this would change if the affair was going to continue. There would be no room for our marriage and her affair to coexist. She then told me that I knew she was unhappy with our marriage. I stood my ground and told her that we were still married, and the affair would not be tolerated. After her looking me in the eyes and reassuring me that there has been no contact, she left.

She came back over a few hours later with more milk. Our spirits were better and communicating again. It was just the whole process got me down. Right now, I know she is confused involving her sexual orientation or if she is in love with OW. The remorse of the affair is sometimes there, but it seems other times she is upset that the affair did not end on her terms. I guess time will tell. I will have the next phone bill to tell me whether contact has been made. Just [censored] that I have to worry about it.

This path to recovery only has room for two of us. Her path to self discovery cannot be influenced by the OW. Our marriage cannot be compromised by the OW. In the end, after an honest and patient assessment of our feelings, I will then be able to accept either solution. I just fear the OW will get in the way of that.

I reread Marriage Remedy's chapter on infidelity to remind myself of the emotions going through right now. At some point, I want my wife to read that chapter as well as it talk about information for the spouse that betrayed. I think it would be good info for her if she agrees to read it and reflect on it.