I am feeling much better today than I was yesterday although still a little sick. Michelle does offer great advice as all of you do. Today I am kind of in blah state of mind, not over optimistic and not depressed, just kind of working and really doing nothing. I wrote in my journal last night for the first time in a few days and got a lot off my chest. I am deep thought since the DB session on where to go from here, completely let go or continue to hold on. What is detaching without losing hope? These are just some of the things I am wrestling with right now. I will find the answer in due time.
lost,
You always have something so nice to say and are always so encouraging. I was sincere with my W. To tell you the truth if W wanted space and to get her mind right I would of waited a year two years when you love someone as deeply as I love her the time is not an issue. There were certain things that rushed my patience and the ability to wait. The first thing was the phone calls from the OM when I was in OK, you have followed my sitc so you know what I am talking about. It was posted on my first thread. That shook my confidence and shattered my hope. In my case PA with OM is my breaking point, to me that is the point of no return.
We each make our own point this is mine and will remain mine. This of course while we are still legally M if the D goes through well then its game on for both of us. I believe 100% this has not happened which is why I continued contact with her, once I kept my imagination in check I was able to stop making all the mistakes I was making in December. Not until I found this board and found you guys did I really start to get my head right. The DB coach has told me "this is what reconciliation looks like" I was floored. "you mean to tell me I am actually in the process of reconciliation?" "You are in the first phase which is the talking and beginning friendship" "Doesn't feel that way" it still doesn't. She calls to get things off her chest, I let her. We will see.
FOBD,
"EL CAPITANT" another BITS reporting for duty! I agree with your comment 100%. We are married to same woman! LOL. They say the same thing for the last 5 years nothing was good. This is why I say that I would have pause if W was to call me today and say let's try again. Why? Why would I? I feel changes happening to me and they are real. I feel real growth. I can't explain it. The feeling comes and then it goes. Some days it stays longer than others but I know it is happening little by little. I still miss her terribly. I miss everything about her and I think about her constantly, but it is not that obsession feeling I was having before. I can breathe now. As long as she is stuck in my M [censored] and you did this and did that to me mode she has not gone through the changes necessary to make this M work. If she wanted to get back together tomorrow I would help her reach this point but only by showing her the way, the journey she will take on her own.
dixie,
You are always such an inspiration to me. You ache and you hurt but yet find the strengh to cheer us on. I hope we do the same for you. I agree. The fact that she got on the call is huge and the fact that she has not ruled out another call is also huge but I will not pin my hopes on it. When I came to the call I was nervous I did not know what to expect. After I hung up I thought to myself "man. all that was, was an hour of roasting me and complaining about me" after thinking about it though I think it was necessary.
One of my biggest challenges is remembering that she is thinking also. This is something that she thinks about as much as I do. The difference is I have gone from thinking to finding answers, this is the step she is missing.
I have asked my family to please give me the space and time I require. I don't need cheerleaders or pep talks. I will work through this. She on the other hand has sought support in her friends and family. I don't blame her for this but I believe they serve as a hindrance for growth.
I believe 100% this has not happened which is why I continued contact with her, once I kept my imagination in check I was able to stop making all the mistakes I was making in December. Not until I found this board and found you guys did I really start to get my head right. The DB coach has told me "this is what reconciliation looks like" I was floored. "you mean to tell me I am actually in the process of reconciliation?" "You are in the first phase which is the talking and beginning friendship" "Doesn't feel that way" it still doesn't. She calls to get things off her chest, I let her. We will see. 
