When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[mishka422]

Well miracle of all miracles....Gabe took tonight off. I think we are going to take Marc bowling and to dinner or a movie. It's a family outing, no alone time, but at least it's out ad together.

There is no hurry to figure all of this out, but the more days I sit languishing the worse I feel. I get very determined to change my life up and then I have second thoughts about it and get scared and don't do it.

The worst time of day for me is in the morning when I am getting ready for work. I don't like having to look in the mirror so it turns into the self-loathing inner talk for 20 minutes while I dry my hair and put on makeup. Even though I have arguments in my head telling myself I'm being ridiculous, the self-loathing side wins. That is when I cycle down again to being scared and sad. I know what is happening, I just can't seem to find a way to stop it entirely. Positive self-talk is something I've tried to practice but I feel ridiculous and like I'm a total liar to myself! The positive things seem so unreal and sound so stupid that I can't bring myself to even say or write them.

That's really, really sick isn't it? There is no winning that battle. I've worked hard for 3 years on it but no go.

Something I was thinking about this morning though really has me wondering if it's just me or if anyone else has this thought.

Why does anyone put any faith in another person? There is no reason for anyone to be honest or faithful let alone actually stay with someone for life. So, why do we expect that when someone makes a vow they will honor it? We are just setting ourselves up for this pain aren't we?

I know it sounds cynical, I'm just randomly putting this out there for comment. We are all capable of blowing sunshine but I really want the REAL opinion on this, not some happy, happy, joy, joy version of it. Know what I mean? Nitty Gritty time.

The whole reason I was thinking about this in the first place was because I was contemplating how to approach the subject of this semi-relationship that Gabe and I have going on. There is no definition to it so in my opinion he can just walk whenever he wants without any remorse or guilt feelings. But then again, he did that when we were married for 14 years too so WTH s the difference really? No one is to be trusted or relied upon no matter how committed they may seem. It could possibly all be an act and there is no way to know.

See........all messed up but really think it's a valid point.