Hi there, I hope this finds you well. I'm glad you've found a bit of support here. :-) "Going dark since 21/1/11" means there has been no contact since Jan 21, 2011; "going dark" is a divorce-busting term. There is a list in the forum "for newcomers" in the Open Forums section. Someone was kind enough to point me in that direction and it's been helpful.
So how are things going for you? Have you been finding some enjoyment and taking care of yourself? I know how difficult it is, but we have to remember that all we can do is focus on right now. I feel like I've done so many things that have made so matters worse and increased the distance between my husband and me, and I'm certain that I did them because I was so concerned with either the past or on what I wanted for the future and I neglected to just focus on exactly where I was in that moment and on how to achieve my goals.
Don't get me wrong--I still backslide. I had a conversation with my husband a couple of weeks ago and allowed him to push all my buttons. It became a huge disagreement and I said many things in anger that I should not have. It is irrelevant if they were true or not, saying them only keeps things as they are or makes them worse. We haven't spoken since.
I still burst out into tears, but not as often. I still miss my husband. Every day. I miss us. I wonder what I did to lose his love and admiration. I wonder what I did to create this situation, as I am a firm believer in the "you reap what you sow" philosophy. But I know that I don't want to look back three years from now and wonder what I did wrong again. I want to know that I have done all I could to save my marriage, be good to myself, and be become the person that I used to be, that I was proud being, and that my husband loved and admired.
