Phew... you are all over the place. God, do I know that feeling as I am there too.
As you might have seen by my posts, I'm going down the same path as you in learning about and trying to practice unconditional love. As you can see by my posts, I don't do well with it so please understand, I am in no way, shape or form judging you. HOWEVER, in the world of unconditional love, terms like "cake-eating" do not exist. Things like being a "doormat" do not exist. Go back to the scriptures and read carefully because these concepts cannot exist in the unconditional love arena. If this is the path that you want to take, then you need not beat yourself up about those things. Now, the philosophies here are slightly different, I understand. We've been told here that we do need to practice a sort of tough love and not make ourselves too available. But when our spouse is in need, and we don't make ourselves available, that isn't unconditional love spoken about in the scriptures. So... we find ourselves in a bit of a quandry. I find myself there and we kind of need to make a decision either way and stick with that decision. Above all else, we are being told that we need to be consistent. If we continue waffling between the unconditional and conditional love actions, we are NOT being consistent and that is a recipe for failure.
Now when going through your options, you forgot about option #3: She is having an A, but she still is considering reconciliation. Because if she is having an A, MWD says that it is more than likely this will follow a natural course to failure. That's when it is time for us to really begin our work.
Now, as far as your gut feeling right now... FOLLOW IT. There is nothing I can stress more at this time. My H (before finally deciding to leave) was definitely being kinder to me and I felt that he was thinking about changing his mind. BECAUSE I was so afraid of being hurt even more, I built that wall so high, no one was getting in. I wouldn't trust my instincts there. Turns out, my instincts were right. He was not ready to go and was trying. But I killed any attempt. DO NOT DO THIS. Got it?
Denver, you are going to get hurt if you are right or you are wrong about your instincts. So, now you have to decide what is going to give you the best chance at reconciliation. My opinion would be if you followed the instinct that said she is softening. Go with it. If you are wrong, then you lose her (but you would have anyway). If you are right, then you gave this thing half a chance.
I feel your pain. I am so sorry that you are struggling. We are all here for you. I pray for you.
