Well, we're on a plateau. H has been very pleasant to be with, home as expected, phoning me with his plans, etc. I have been comfortable around him, and have been able to keep "paranoid Kelli" at bay. On the negative side, H is not making overtures toward me. I'm the one to invite him to lunch, I'm the one to say ILY, etc. Tonight is a bad memory moment. We've been invited to a party by friends, and when we were there last January, I got trashed, walked out in the snow barefoot, to curl up on the floor of the truck and told my sister to take care of my baby so I could die. One of the lower moments. I wonder if H remembers it at all? I wonder if he has these types of memories as well?
Then it is time to reclaim that memory... go to the party, be beautiful and charming, have fun. Don't let your mind go to last year, think of good things. Think of good things with your H. Let it be a good evening. You did not die, you survived and continue to survive and thrive. What a wonderfully strong woman you are.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I was wondering how the party went. I remember you posting about it last year...and it was not a very good time in your life. Just compare then to now and realize how far you have come, not only in your M, but also the confidence and strength you have gained in yourself.
On the negative side, H is not making overtures toward me. I'm the one to invite him to lunch, I'm the one to say ILY, etc. Did H do those things before the crisis? If so, then bring it to his attention that he is not doing them now. For a year now, you have bent over backwards to please H and not create waves. Maybe he has gotten so used to taking you for granted that he doesn't realize he is not showing you any small acts of a good R.
Bad memory sucks. But recognize the positive side. Compare to last year, how much progress did you make. Isn't your R much better than last year. Remembering the positives will keep your PMA up and make you working to improve your R.
The party went well. I knew H remembered how badly thing went last year. As we drove, and tried to remember the directions, little things were said so I know the night was remembered. As we drove there, I casually said, "You can drink, I'll drive home tonight. I don't want to get trashed like last year." H just said "Forget about it," and gave me directions. Sunday, we had my sister's in laws over, and H gave me my Christmas gift - a wine cork puller - it showed thought and effort. Not just calling the 800 number of the infomercial I said I liked over the weekend. Part of the problem with a plateau, is that it's easy to loose momentum. Sooner or later, I'll need to start climbing again. I think part of the difference between the time H spent with me before and now is the activity of his job. While he was in his last military assignment, the workload wasn't too heavy. He often had extra time in his day. Now, he's really overloaded, trying to keep the company afloat and headed in the right direction, so there's way too much to do. Well, have a wonderful holiday everyone!
More bad memories. H mentioned yesterday he was going to fly down and close on the sale of his mother's house, ship the remaining stuff home and fly back. Said he wanted about 4 days to take care of things. It's not going to take 4 days - two at the most. Driving, there was a reason for me to come along, to share the time behind the wheel. When he flew down last time - when his mother died - he left first, with the notice she was very ill, and not responding well. The day he left, I found a search for escort services on the internet at home. Never mentioned it then. Last night, it was on my mind. He asked what was wrong, and I told him "just dealing with a bad memory" and finally told him. He said "Don't worry about it. Go to sleep." I did get over it my morning, but he's sure got something on his mind now.
H has decided not to drive a uhaul back with the last of his parents' things. He's arranged for a moving company to pick them up. Today, he emailed and asked what I thought of flying down to close on the house. "I promise to be a good boy", he said, laid out his itenerary, and then "I don't think its a good idea to leave son alone with the house and the dogs." I called and said to book the flight. Then sent an email "I do not check up on you. I trust that you will treat me fairly, and be open and honest with me at all times. I believe what you tell me, and trust that I have nothing to be concerned about when I'm not with you. I still haven't been able to put everything from the past year behind me, but am working on it, and trust you will tell me what I need to know." I guess when I get restless, he gets nervous about what I'm thinking.
Kim, you have a very open H, willing to share alot with you, so take the time to make lots of good memoreis to outweigh the bad.
