I agree with Lost. Too aggressive. Remember, your W is the one that has the problem, not you. So I wouldn't do things that could be construed as you being the one that wants out. All that will do is validate her feelings of wanting out of the M.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
during the day today W told me several times she was having a tough day. She thanked me for support but didn't want to talk about it.
Tonight, she says, quietly "onStep" .... Me: yes? W: Do you think we could ever be happy together? Me: Of course, if that's what we chose as important and worked together on it W: But .... now you know how crazy I am Me: Yes, but I've always known you were crazy
then after a few minutes ... I asked Me: Why did you ask that? W: Because, I'm not happy.... even with the prospect of separating. I wonder if maybe I'm not making a big mistake .... I just feel like I may be really screwing up Me: Yeah, feeling that would be very hard
then later she really snuggled up to me on the couch ... and held my hand
WTF is going on here?
I was cautious and .... really .... I don't want to rush back into things with her. Not in a hurry to do that right now.
But, I can't help but hope that this is a very good sign.
I'll keep you all posted ..... but what a strange turn of events today
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
W is clearly in conflict with her own emotions but I think you handled it well. Look this is a struggle and getting past this (nothing last forever) is the toughest part of any marriage.
"Welcome to the real world of M. In this world, a look can hurt and a word can crush. What happened to the in-love experience? Alas, it was but an illusion by which we were tricked into signing our names on the dotten line, for better or for worse. Did we really have the "real" thing? I think so. The problem was faulty information.
Some couples believe that the end of the in-love experience means they have only two options:resign themselves to a life of misery with their spouse, or jump ship and try again.
We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was- a temporary emotional high-and now pursue "real love" with our spouse. That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires descipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth"
I thought it was a good message to pass on. Hope you like it
Thanks s2tep. Hopefully WAW will be able to read and digest that someday.
So, she fell asleep snuggled up to me last night and I had a little bit of work to do. After I finished, I told her I was going to bed, she said "its really nice laying with you. So, I asked her if she wanted to sleep upstairs with me (I know I shouldn't have probably). She said yes .. and said what our baby says when she wants to be carried. So, I carried her upstairs and put her on our bed. She snuggled up to me all night.
So ... I don't think this means that she will decide to stay in the house and the marriage. But, it does mean she's considering it.
However, I don't want the M we had back. I want a better one with a better me and a better W. So, I will continue to just live my life and see where she takes hers. I still don't expect ANYTHING ... and who knows what will happen.
But, this is an unexpected ray of sunshine.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
ABSOLUTELY 1Step!!!! You have been giving her the space and time to settle down, get past some negative feelings, and really think about what she wants for her life. This is what happens, sometimes, when you pull back and take away the pressure and pursuit. I think that this is just great!
Keep doing WHAT WORKS... that means keep doing what you have been. Let her continue to come around.
2Step... those are just fantastic words of wisdom that you posted here. Thank you.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
That's ok 1Step. It is to be expected. My DB Coach warned me in my first session to expect that once my W started warming up that I would notice her pull back, then warm up again, then pull back, etc. DB Coach told me it is bc WAW is confused and doesn't want LBS to think that she is changing her mind.
Just go with it. Keep doing what works.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Well, headed up to the mountains this weekend to hang out and ski with some buddies. Looking forward to not having to think too much about sitch at home.
She had definitely pulled back. I know she's just confused and all in all it doesn't feel too bad. Almost makes me laugh though ... just when I got excited for her to leave so I could do whatever I wanted to do and she doesn't do that either.
Gotta have NO expectations. I'm like smoke from a fire ... shifting in the wind ... and nothing can hit me.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
Man you are probably my hero when it comes to this DB thing. You are consistent and at the same time you really GAL better than prob most of us. We all talk about it but you are really doing it. I like your analogy about using jiu jitsu a MC I talked to described it exactly the same way. I would say at this point you are close to receiving the DB jiu jitsu brown belt.
