The more I read TrueGriters words the more they make sense to me. When you first read them you say "this guy is good" when you start to really understand them you say "he is also right".
Today was a big day for me as you know. W did the DB session or as I like to call it the 2stepboogie roast and all seemed well. Now what? To tell you the truth I have no idea. I don't have a clue if she got anything out of the session or not. Everything she said to the DB coach she has told me before. She did not disclose anything new.
I think what most people miss is that W and I have been having deep conversations since November. The only difference in the conversation was my state of mind. At first I wanted her back NOW. The longer she was away the less my chances at getting her back. After today I realize that as long as I felt that way I was not ready.
I was not ready because I had not changed, I had not learned, and I had not taken the time to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. As I heard her talk about all my short comings today something different happened than all the other previous times. I was not upset. I did not hate myself.
I recognize I have made mistakes so have you and probably most of us. So why are we here? At first I came because I wanted someone to show me a way to get my W back. Through others mistakes I could learn to win her over; but something is happening (note I say happening not happened) I am starting to realize that the real reason for me coming here is not to win back my W. That has changed. I am now here to win back myself, my character. In the process I am learning what is the difference between hope and detachment.
I hope my W will come around. But I will be ok if she doesn't.
I hope she can forgive me. But more for her sake than my own.
I hope I can save my M. But I am a better person today than I was three weeks ago or a month ago when I joined this family. You along with others (you know who you are) have inspired me.
At this point my biggest hang up is my D. Her "mother" has left and that is a source of great dissapointment for me. That is my weakness.
Some words to leave you with..............
I am here again, in a familiar place feeling something I've felt before, wondering why it's still here, why I didn't deal with it more fully before. But I'm glad I have a second chance at it......and I know that if I need a third chance, I'll get it. I also know that if it comes up again, I'll recognize it sooner and deal with it more readily. This is growth. And, I am happy to be Alive!
