It is ok to feel that way completely. In these last few days I have been doing a lot of thinking. You may or may not know my W actually did a DB phone session with me today. Yeah sounds great. She spend the entire hour doing her version or a celebrity roast. I was the main attraction. I tell you this because as I think about how positive of thing this is supposed to be reality kind of creeps up and tells me not so fast.
Fact: 1. She has a new life in OK 2. Any 180 I do will go unnoticed 3. The casual coffee house date or the reconnection phase is and will remain absent in my case. 4. She has a support system that I know is cheering her on for being so strong. (My family has remained mute on the point on my request. This needed to be about me not about everyone telling me how to feel or when to move on.)
This are all huge mountains to climb but you know what, every day I become more and more comfortable with the idea. Because throughout this process I am learning more about myself. At first I had guilt and felt terrible, go back to my first thread and read, you will see a broken man who rattled so much information on his first post it was hard even for me to follow.
I think I am starting to learn the difference between hope and detachment, don't know that I am there yet but if it feels like what I am feeling right now then I am starting to get it.
Do I hope my W and get back together and rebuild my family? Yes.
Do I want to correct the wrongs I did to her? Yes.
Do I love her? Yes.
Have I suffered? You bet!
But then I ask myself these other questions....
Do I need her to come back? No.
If she does not give me the chance to correct the wrongs I have done can I go forward? Absolutely! It will be her lost. Not mine.
Do I still love her? Yes. Probably always will but my happiness will not be determined by her love for me. Unconditional love is very different than the love these WAS claimed to have had for us. Unconditional love is what we have for them. That means letting her go and being happy for her success as you celebrate your own.
Do I still suffer? Everyday a little less.
So what does this mean to me? If she comes back will I accept her? Depends....what does she offer to the M at this point? Can she enrich my life the way I think I can hers. What has she learned? How has she grown?
Next......
I know how you feel. Some days are better than others. We often comment on each other’s threads and say sounds like my W or sounds like my H. In the end we are all very similar and our cases are mostly alike. Take out one piece here and one piece there. Prepare yourself because when people tell you all you can do is take care of yourself, well, there is a lot of meaning to those words.
