As a relative noob, far be it for me to make some sort of commentary on DB the second go 'round ...
I do have some thoughts I'd like to share though ...
In the beginning, the hardest thing to wrap our heads around is proper and personal boundaries. We are terrified. We make empty threats and ultimatums. We let them treat us poorly. We set boundaries to try to manipulate or coerce some sort of behaviour from our MLCers. But, with time, if we do the work, we learn what healthy boundaries look like. We learn that they are for US and about US. They are not to punish or manipulate. If we do the work, we save ourselves. And then, if we're really patient, the stars align and the timelines coincide ... we might even reconcile with our spouses.
For whatever reason ... unfinished MLC, forgotten DB and a return to old ways and habits on either Ss part ... sometimes we face this war for the second time. This time you don't enter the field unarmed and green though. You are no longer that freckle faced, right out high-school, yearning to prove something cadet. You are wise and you've won your share of battles. IMO, if you've done the work, you take no prisoners. You are loving and detached and compassionate. But especially compassionate to yourself. You don't need to be initiated.
I believe in DB, as a lifestyle not a tactic. I believe in marriage even though mine has not been restored and I no longer stand. I believe in unconditional love but not unconditional marriage, and I believe in honouring oneself and one's worth.
I haven't been there, but what I hear Ian saying makes perfect sense to me. I won't go into details about my sitch, but I do consider myself a personal success story. I am ever learning and growing, and I take responsibility for my life.
Good luck to you YR, you've been an inspiration to many... Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
