Not Sure Which Way to Go

[downandoutintn]

My story is very similar to a lot of the ones I have read so far on here. I am not one to really put my life out on the internet for all to know about. You guys seem like a very supportive group and so I have made my decision to ask for advice.

I am a 29 and my W is 26. We will have been together off and on for 10 years on 2.6.11 and will have been married 2 years on the same day. We have always loved each other very much throughout the years. The way I feel about her is like no other. I believe she feels the same way about me but has now become scared that we will live in the misery we have since we have been married. I have always tried to figure out why we could never seem to get along but have always failed to make her feel how she needs to feel and she has always left me empty inside but I know she loves me by her actions towards me. She has said the same about me.

We split up 3 years ago before we were married and she started seeing one my good friends (he was a child hood crush for her). We owned a house together which we still do now, and I would a lot of times watch our only child at the time at the house. It was a lot easier to watch him there since I was living with a room mate who had weird sleeping habits. While I would watch my son at our house I would take care of most of the household chores. My lack of doing things around the house was always a complaint for her. So I did what I thought was right and started to do a big majority to show her that I was willing and could change. So after about a month of this she and I were able to work things out.

Things went pretty well for the first 2 months. Then I noticed that she was starting to not be as affectionate as she was when we got back together and so started the downward spiral. Although a great thing, the timing of the pregnancy was not the best. I believe that we could have continued on and been very happy but with her change in emotions and lack of sex drive and affection, I began to shut down. Of course so did she.

Spring forward to now. We got into a fight in December, because of the same things as normal, me cleaning house. (Me not spending time with her like she needed) The fight ended being a normal fight where I follow her around and try to get her to open up to me about the problem and after about an hour and a half I finally lost it from frustration and began yelling.

The next day she dropped the news on me that she wanted to divorce. Throughout the rest of the month it was a lot of back and forth of her on her decision to divorce. Also, she still lived in the house. She told me that she had started to talking to that guy again. Then there was another argument right after the first of the year about how I never spend time with the kids and I brought it up that she is actually with the kids less than I am and she took that as me calling her a bad mother instead of seeing that I spend a lot of time with the kids I feel like I don't get credit for.

The next day she moved to her Mom's house while I was at work. The next week I found out she was going to hang out with that guy again. The only explanation I have gotten from her about him is that he has common interests with him and he is someone to talk to. She only hung out with him for a couple of hours and then she came home. She from what I have been able to figure out she hasn't talked to him too much since. She says he is a *sshole.

That same weekend she came and got the kids and actually came in the house for the first time when I was there. I had cleaned up the house pretty well. I had washed up all of the kids clothes that were still there and asked her if she could help me get the kids and the stuff out to the car once she got there. She came into the house and looked around and saw that it was pretty much spotless and said "The house sure is clean". I replied "Yeah it is a lot easier to clean when you don't always have someone nagging you". Then she commented about my goatee and asked me "If I had trimmed it up". I had been invited to a friend's house to watch the football game so I kind of rushed her out.

That night when I got home I looked over my Facebook at the birthday comments that were left for me the previous week and noticed hers was gone. I sent her a text message to see if she had deleted me because we had discussed it previously. She said "No, I deleted the whole thing." I asked her why "She said because I need to get myself right with God" so again I asked her again because I thought that was an odd response and she said "I need time alone because I failed my marriage". I responded with "You only fail at something when you give up" and then tried to call her and her phone was off.

The next morning I called her to make sure she was alright and she said she had a bad day and that she hadn't taken her anxiety medicine in 2 days.

So now we have had a few good conversations not about our R but she is still persistent on getting a D. We had a talk last Saturday and I told her that I would be ok if she saw other people since I believe she will have to see that there is no one else out there that will hang around like I have for her. That same day she started talking to a new guy whom I don't know. I only found this out by checking her voice mails and missed calls. I was able to get from her that they are "just friends" and that she has no plans of dating anyone else until after our D is final. I asked a few questions about him to try to figure out how serious this OM to her. She said she does have interest in possibly pursuing a R with him but only after our D is final.

This week I have kept our 2 kids and taken care of the day to day routines. I haven't been able to see them much the last couple of weeks due to the snow. At first she kinda backed up and didn't want to go for it because she didn't want to be with out the kids. I told her that this is what I go through every week and that I can go through it then she can and that I would love for my kids to live with me. Also, I told her that she should see things from my vantage point too. So she agreed. Things have been a lot easier for me to deal with this week. I have been making sure everything has been tended to for the kids and let her know when I do have to talk to her that the kids have been taken care of.

Tuesday, I thanked her, via text message, for letting me have the kids this week because it had really brightened up my week. She sent back "You're so weird". I sent back "I'm not weird just crazy". She sent back "WTH". I sent back "crazy in love for you." She sent back "OMG!" and then I sent back "and you know its true". Then she sent back "OK good night freak" (the last one is joking if I know her) Then I sent "Good night hope you sleep well and have good dreams about me". She then sent "OMG stop freak" and I sent "Whatever you know you smiled and you know you needed to" and she sent back "Eww LOL" I felt like that was a pretty good conversation since most of it was joking back and forth.

Wednesday, I asked if she had read any of that book (The Five Love Languages) I had asked to read, again via text. She replied "Nah" I went on to tell her I thought she should since it would be good for her and could help with the kids during this situation. Later on I sent her a message that I missed talking to her. She asked what was wrong with me. I said "nothing at all why you ask" She replied with You're smothering me. We are done. Move on!"

Since yesterday I have been keeping conversations short and to the point. We talk almost every day because of the kids and being that I normally get them everyday until she gets off work. Also, I found this site and decided that what I have been doing is not working and you guys seem to know what you are talking about since you have been able to get S's like mine to come around and try to work it out. I am prepared for a long hard struggle. I don't want a D but if that is the time that I have to put in to get my family back then so be it.

I know I have posted a lot and thanks ahead of time for taking the time to read it. I really do what my W back and would do anything to have my W in my life. If guys could help with some more information about DBing and what I should do to help her realize I am what is right for her that would be great! I am going to see if I can find the DB or DR book at a local store so I can start reading ASAP. The papers have been signed so by TN state law I have about 90 days until this is final.

Thanks
downandout