Yes, Kim, we are. And as individuals, a number of people (read this Wishing), are better and stronger, and I feel empowered for having met you at this BB. Good night with H. He was late getting home from the work christmas party he was at. Told me last night about it, said it was across town, and expected traffic to be a bear. As it past 8:00, with no word, Paranoid Kelli got into the act. I called his cell, and no answer. (Somehow he never answers when I call). A few minutes later, he called. On his way home. Met a guy he knew 10 years ago, went for a few beers. Calmly told him it would have been nice if you had called. He said "You're mad." "No I'm not", I replied. "Okay, you're disappointed." "Yes, I am, but I'm over being mad." Ended up he got home, apologized again, and we had a great night. No eggshells in sight. Patience pays off... P.S. I'm even getting so open minded I like my 14 year old son's music.
Journalling, eggshells were scarce this weekend, and it was so very nice. We spent some time with friends and family, and did some Christmas shopping. We even managed to get through a fondue dinner party and clean up without snapping at each other.
I was just wondering where were you. I found your new thread. I am very happy for you that you finally sure that you are piecing together. Your H shows a lot of commitment to you. It is normal to be unsure at times. But I am very sure that you are on your way to full recovery.
I had a backslide last 10 days. But I am emotionally OK again. I had too much expectation about our progress. I will continue to learn to detach. Until one day my W shows she is making effort toward our R.
I am looking forward to my holiday with the family. I will make sure that our kids are enjoying the holiday. If my W does not, it is her lost. I won't feel either good or bad.
Journalling again. I lost it with H last night, and hung up on him. I had a meeting last night, and H knew about it. Son was home, with no plans. The weather was bad, so I called as I left work, to let him know I was switching to the SUV. Told him to drive home carefully because the roads were beginning to ice up. Told son Dad was on his way home when I left. That was 6:00. Imagine my surprise when I pulled into the drive at 9:30, and H was still not there. Called him - he went to the bar to play pool. I told him this time I was upset. His answer "Aw, don't be mad. I'm leaving now." I replied "Do whatever you want to do" and hung up the phone. About 10 minutes later, I was calm enough to call back and apologize for hanging up on him. By the time he got home, we both pretended nothing was wrong. Just like Friday night, it was not worth him time to tell me of his plans, even though we were already talking! I would place odds on his being on his way to the bar as we talked earlier that evening. It's not as if I would force him to come home. In 18 years, I never have. I have always changed my schedule and plans to accomodate him. All I ever asked is that he tell me. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised, since he's never been able to do that. I told him Friday, I wanted the courtesy of a phone call, and he agreed that that was the right thing to do. Then, went on and on about the guy he ran into. Last night, I said nothing, and H didn't even try to apologize. It's really driving me nuts to think that I'm not worth the common courtesy of a phone call. I am having a real hard time getting past this "mad".
I understand your feeling. You put so much effort to your family wellbeing, but your H is enjoying himself and did not even bother to tell you about his plan. Kim told me whoever put less in a R is in control. You need to detach and not emotionally affected by your H's action. By doing that your H may put more into the R. M is like seesaw. One partner put more, the other put less.
At the moment my W is in control. I need to learn to detach. I hope she will not feel pressured and do more to our R.
You certainly do deserve a phone call from your H when he changes his plans. I'm angry too.
Raindeer has a good point though.
Quote: Kim told me whoever put less in a R is in control. You need to detach and not emotionally affected by your H's action. By doing that your H may put more into the R. M is like seesaw.
Hi Kelli, It's frustrating sometimes, you know it seems to always be the same old things.
My H used to always go out with the guys and he always called. Still it gets old sometimes.
Rebuilding a R is no easy thing some days the trust level is way up there, other days its like well your a big girl and you need to make your own sunshine. Don't rely on it from someone else. Easier said than done.
Kim
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
I am finding out with my H that he simply does not have a clue to many of the things that drive me batty. And, when I verbalize those things to H, he usually does try to do things differently so I don't get upset. (And remember, this is from a man who has had D papers sitting at the lawyers since July). Maybe during one of your "no eggshell" moments you could gently point out that the no phone call really does get your ire up. Truly let him know just how upset, and then mad you get.
PS. I really do enjoy my son's music, but then "the oldies" is all he ever listens to.
