The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Huh. I re-read that last bit of my last post. Hmm.. Might have further than I thought, eh?

But I continue to make steps. That's important. I came here today just to vent a little frustration at the legal process. Silly stuff but annoying.
I realized the other day that it's going to be very difficult to be completely done while the legal beagles howl and whine. I suspect I'll continue to be on edge a little while that continues. But good news: the lawyers are a step closer at least. Her lawyer is preparing a counter to the last I sent over. Included in that was a request to refrain from the emails. J showed her some of the emails going back and forth. My thought there is that she got to say that first and also that I have to really watch what I say. Duh right? But not really. Being cautious to that level is new to me in my "relationship" with her. I realize she read the emails and texts and doesn't like the condemnation. But that's no excuse - there is nothing to say really. I offered my support to help her be a parent with the kids. She brought stuff up and I answered, but even that has to stop. I can't let her bait me which is becoming much easier now (to not be baited).
I also realized so much more. The level of selfishness for one. It's surprising but likely only to me. The daddy issues I never saw for another. Can't help but notice these things as I search for a way to forgive while being pummeled in the process.
For all of that that occurs to me, the shock is all that lasts. For a very short duration at that. And I am grateful for that.
What I think I'm after is to understand what I missed because there were some things that I did miss over the years. A better way to put that is that I didn't want to see them because I think a part of me did. It's like detoxing as I see this. Like I had an addiction or affliction or something.
Other than the legal stuff, I'm doing well. Been much much happier and relaxed. My doctor the other day took my blood pressure. Over the years it had been steadily climbing, but this time she had to take it a second time to make sure it really was that low
My kids are adjusting in some ways. My daughter is pushing me away and my son is bringing me closer. My daughter is just plain angry and trying to run away in place. She dreams of going to school overseas and makes herself as busy as she can to avoid family. I don't blame her. She spends time with her mom, which is good. I can totally relate to a child that wants a relationship with her mom. Who wouldn't? So I put my feelings aside about her mom and try to encourage it.
My son is often thinking I'm trying to pick up on people around me. He seems to think that because his mom is dating that I should. That's ok too because the time will come when I have something to give to somebody else. For now it's pretty funny to check out cute girls with my 13 y-old son

Fun fun fun. Glad I had a chance to vent. I've come to the conclusion that I can guess until the cows come home about the reasons, but really will never know the real reason. And that it doesn't matter (meaningless and wouldn't likely understand anyway.)

AJ