Wife of 6-years Wants a Divorce - pt 2

[spellfire]

True, my wife hasn't left, but she told me she will leave in June, which is when her current semester is over, and summer holiday starts. Being a med student, that is logically the only time to do it really. I have this notion that since she has the upper hand in controlling how fast/slow this separation/divorce goes, staying here and moving out in June is a big benefit for her.

If you look at it from that point of view, she's playing her cards well. If you look at it from an optimistic point of view, at least I have a few more months of close contact with her, not much, but definitely more than if she's gone.

Whether it is a good strategy for her or not, it works in your favor. If she is not around she can't see the changes you will make. You need to focus on yourself for a while. Trust me when I say that this is the only way you can save your relationship. You do need to change, and it needs to be real change, not acting different for her benefit. She will see right through that. Again, it is important not to inform her you are a changed man. She wont believe you anyway, the only way to change her mind is proof through action.

As for the laundry, i forgot to clarify that she has been doing her laundry this entire time, except for this past weekend. Which is why I thought it might be a nice surprise if she came home to some clean scrubs. Alas, she's already doing them as I type this.

Not alas, it is fine. You are not going to win her back by doing acts of service that you wouldn't typically do. She will see it as pursuit/desperation/a superficial act to win brownie points. Now is not the time. Same deal with giving gifts, saying things you normally wouldn't say, and so on. The core problem right now is respect. You don't win respect by smothering someone.

Mike, I think the problem with her not respecting me comes from the fact that she has no trust in me whatsoever - a sad byproduct of my porn addiction. So even if I've gotten my tasks/acts together, or heck, even tasks/acts that I did right the entire marriage, she obviously questions them now.

Correct. She has lost trust and respect. Her re-writing history and editing out all the good stuff is classic behaviour. Do not focus on it, do not even give it any value right now. To earn back her respect and trust, you are going to need to prove through your actions that you can change. How bad do you want this? If you have not given up the porn 100% by now, you have some more work to do on that. Put your energy into your job search and yourself.

It also seems like you have not forgiven yourself for your past mistakes. To truly move forward, you will need to do so. Stop beating yourself up over what you have done, you are human. Work on healing and not punishing yourself mentally so much.

Simple example that happened not more than twenty minutes ago:

Not bad, but she is testing you and you are barely passing her tests, and failing at times.

Here is a breakdown so maybe you can see better exactly what is going on in this exchange:

W: Where were you all?
M: I picked "E" up from daycare at 5. Then we went to buy dinner. I had two interviews today so I didn't cook. Your food is on the table.

This is good, you just laid it out that you are taking care of business, without getting into anything else.

W: Well, i'm just not sure if you cook for me everyday. (This is not the first conversation we've had about this, BTW)

I'm not even sure what she means by this, but okay.

M: I also cook for all of us to eat, or buy food for you too.

Fair response. You are simply providing for your family, she benefits from it as long as she is under the same roof. You are not doing it to impress her.

W: I don't want to take advantage of you. (Same thing she says each time)
M: i always cook for you. I've cooked food all week, but you haven't been eating them because of your schedule.

Too much emphasis on her. Stop doing it for her and saying it is for her. You are providing/cooking for yourself and your kid now. You don't mind if she has some of it. If she is truly not wanting to take advantage, she will at a minimum thank you for the meal.

W: Yeah, I bet you tell people that...that you cook for me and I chose not to eat. (She says this each time too)
M: it's just meals that I cook for everyone. If you don't eat, we have leftovers for next day.

She is being blatantly disrepectful here and you just take it. You need to push back on her when she is rude to you. You need to challenge her when she speaks badly of you. You wont earn her respect back unless you stand up for yourself.

"Why would you say something like that when you know it is not true? If you truly do not want to take advantage of me when I cook for you, you would simply say thank you instead of being rude to me."

Very important when establishing this boundary, you remain calm and do not get drawn into a fight. She may RAGE against you finally standing up for yourself. You need to be prepared for that and hold the line. Be the adult in the situation, and not the tantrum throwing child.

Five minutes later, as I was walking up the stairs (she hangs downstairs with our son to spend time with him), she asks, "How is your job thing going?"

Hmmm, and why is she interested again? I thought she said she was done with you? You may not see it but I do.

I said, "Very positive actually. For many of them, I'm in second and third interviews already. Never seen such intensive interviews before, but they'll all interested in me. it's just a waiting game right now."

Tooo much info. "Very well actually, thank you for asking." If she wants to get more out of you she needs to earn it by treating you better.

Then I heard her go, under her own breath, "huuumpph!"

Just a dig at you to undermine your positive attitude and/or she doesn't truly believe you will follow through and is expressing that. Prove her wrong.

SF

PS: Are you doing any new GAL activities? Exercise/hanging out with friends/a new hobby? Anything to take your mind off the situation and let off steam/stress?