Having a hard time... II

[Denver_2010]

Next - How long have you been dark with W? I tend to agree that you should hold off on contacting her if it hasn't been that long. It takes some time before you will see results.

Do you know when your D will be final? What kind of timeline are we dealing with here?

BITS
Denver

[what next?]

I was doing everything wrong up until about December 23rd. I called her that night and everything went wrong. I was arguing and about to cry and asking her if there was OM. She said "I TOLD YOU THERE IS NOBODY ELSE" i said "you don't have to yell" she said "how would you feel if I kept accusing you?" ...I said "how would you feel if I left you?"

so, pretty much the opposite of DB lol.

after that i went completely dark and had no contact with her except for a couple of very short emails. Then she emailed me while I was in Houston and I replied with how well things were going. Some other emails but nothing major... just tried to be positive and light. Then when I got back from Houston I went to the house and got my mail... had a brief conversation and when I ended it she asked when I might be going back to Houston. I answered and left. No contact since then.

I do need to open the lines of communication back up... that much is obvious. That's why I wanted to offer to take her to work or something. I was really worried about calling there for a while but I am over that now.

It's a tough spot because I really don't think I have been dark long enough. The divorce should have already been over but I think that her lawyer is milking her out of her retainer. I didn't get a lawyer and we agreed on a split that should be fine with her so idk what is holding things up. I told her in December that if she needed more time to think that she could take all the time she needs... she replied with "I just want the divorce to be over so that we can move on"

But now time goes by and nothing about the divorce... She was supposed to get me a list of bills she wants me to take and the information that I need to take them (so that they can be auto paid through my new account)... she still hasn't done that after 10 days. I think that she is taking time but won't admit it and I don't want to go towards her while she is in this place.

I need to just get a DB coach lol

[Denver_2010]

I agree. Man, I don't know. I think that I would tell you to just stay dark for a good while. It has NOT been that long since you were begging, pleading etc. and probably making her feel that she couldn't get away quick enough. Please don't take offense to that, I did the same thing in November. I'm just saying, it hasn't been that long since you WERE the person that she wanted to D. It is going to take her a good while to forget that. Darkness gives the S time to STOP thinking about the negatives and BEGIN to remember the positives. It can also be a distraction to her thinking about the the D and the negatives... the distraction is that her mind begins to think "why hasn't Next been contacting me? Wonder what he is up to?" instead of "I can't wait to be D'd from Next."

I don't know. JMO.

BITS
Denver

[what next?]

That's what my gut tells me too. It's hard to hear how much success you guys are having but I have to remember where I'm at in the timeline.

She dropped the bomb at the end of September

Everything was *kind of* normal for a few weeks

I started to have really bad anxiety and took my sister's suggestion to separate in October

I pretty much cried and pleaded every time that I saw her until I moved out in early November.

She filed on November 9th

I texted her from the wedding that I was at by myself on our 10th anniversary. I just said "I'm so sorry that I've done this to us" or something to that effect.

I stayed pretty dark through thanksgiving and my birthday (she emailed me happy birthday...)

Then I would only reply to emails she sent but my replies would be unibomber manifesto long explaining how different I am now lol.

The call on December 23rd was what got me to really go dark... I was getting way more familiar with this board and much better at identifying what I was doing wrong.

[what next?]

Well, I wanted her to initiate contact but this isn't exactly what I was hoping to hear...

How should I respond?

..............................

Hey, just wanted to let you know, the lawyer just sent me a new copy to look at of the decree. It doesn't look like she got all my changes in so I'll have to ask for them again. Sorry I haven't gotten back to you about the bills but I will soon. Here are just a couple things before I get around to everything:

-I do want to file taxes separately. I think I have at least one document that you'll need (from school). We may want to wait to file til the decree is final - which I hope will happen fairly quickly, within the next couple of weeks.

-For COX, we have to fill out an account assignment-type document and have it notarized to get it in my name instead of yours without interruption. I'll try to get it filled out so we can do it at the same time as we have to get whatever else notarized. On that note, I'll be checking with the other utility accounts, too.

-Off the top of my head, your bills are US Cellular ($160), Nelnet, AT&T (I think for internet), possibly more but haven't sat down & put it together yet.

As for the decree, once I'm ok with it, the lawyer will mail it to you for your review. Can you give me your address again just in case she doesn't still have it? She said you can provide your proposed changes to me or in writing to her.

Hope you're doing ok. Let me know if you need anything from me.

[Denver_2010]

Sorry Next. I know that this is not what you want to be hearing.

This D may have to go all the way through before your W can focus on anything else. Again, I know that this is not something you want to hear. But remember, D is not the end unless you decide it is.

In my opinion, I would simply respond: "sounds good. let me know."

Nothing you say is going to make a difference in how your W is feeling RIGHT NOW. Thus, silence is probably your best bet.

Again... just my opinion. I'd also get Bond's thoughts on this before you do anything.

[what next?]

Yeah... obviously I want to say PLEASE GO TO THIS WEBSITE... WE CAN SAVE THIS!!!!! but that is not going to work.

My plan is to do like you say and just let her go through with it... I want so badly to day something like "I'm still here" or let her know that I'm available to her but I guess that is a bad idea

[Denver_2010]

Bad idea. She needs to 'lose you' before she is ever going to consider allowing herself to be drawn back towards you. The risk of this, is that when she truly loses you, it may be too late. You may not want her back at that point.

I know that this is not what you want to hear. I'm sorry Next. Hang in there.

BITS
Denver

[what next?]

Yeah I'm not actually going to say that... its just what I want to say. I told her somewhere along the way that if we had to divorce for me to show her that I'm sincere we could. Now I just hope that that wasn't the biggest mistake I've ever made lol.

But I really think like you said, she has to see it.

[what next?]

But you know... that's the really frustrating part. I have felt for a long time that she needed to see this through before she would really start to deal with it but she kept letting it drag out. So frustrating.