Ugh... having a hard time myself and figured I would stop posting for awhile so I don't spread around my negative feelings. Your post touched me so I had to answer.
Yes, I am very familiar with this situation. What the psychologists told you was very true. If your W was a true lesbian, she would know it long before now and you would have seen the signs. Yes, we hear about this situation on the news and people getting married and having children and then coming out of the closet. This is not exactly what happened here.
Ok, so my good friend went through a rough patch in her life. She was divorced and dating for awhile but nothing much was happening in her romantic life. She got herself hooked up with another woman and pursued a relationship. She was happy for awhile (about 5 months) until she realized that it wasn't exactly the fulfilling relationship she was looking for. Now, what she felt was that emotionally, it was very fulfilling. Woman was very attentive. Sexually, she was not fulfilled. She said it was exciting at first, but that wore down and she constantly felt like something was missing. This wasn't the thing that caused her to leave, though. Turns out the emotional thing fell apart, too. The super-attentive female wasn't so attentive anymore. Friend said it was just like being with a guy after awhile. Friend said she felt like she lost herself and was looking for something else to make her happy. That's until she realized that she needed to make herself happy. She used to always tell me this quote from the end of the Wizard of Oz which has stuck with me, "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it in the first place."
Sparks, I don't think that the OW will ultimately last. But I don't think it's your biggest problem right now either. Kind of like that saying, "you can't see the forest for the trees." Your issue is that you are separated now and your marriage is broken. So, what can you do right now to repair that? And I know that you are working on these things and you need to be so proud of that! Consider the OW, the OM and move forward accordingly. The only thing that I will caution about is that if my hunch is right about this OW and it does end and your W does discover she would rather be with a man, she is going to crash HARD. My friend did. They think that they have finally figured their life out, but then reality sets in and all their illusions go up in a cloud and they are paralyzed with fear. She will come out swinging at anyone near her. That's when you support her.
Sparks, I wish that I could be more help to you. I can't even imagine the confusion and devastation that you are going through. We're here to support you and I pray for you.
