Divorce was final Jan 19, she was emotionally and physically unfaithful, I was emotionally, and we both agree we made mistakes, although she falls short of admitting to any wrongs on her part, prefering to stay focused on mine. She says she has no remorse or guilt for her actions, yet won't talk about it... Anyway, she is still in house with our three kids, she has nowhere to go, just started a new job, so has no money to even start, and now all the debt she racked up while I was deployed is coming back to haunt her. I know that so many are advising me to give her the boot, but my three kids have to have place to live, too, and I feel that doing so may create more hard feelings (not that she isnt blaming me for everything that went wrong, of course)but also do not want to be an enabler either. Comments, ideas, suggestions? Michele's book is kinda vague in this area, but I am trying to keep my good changes going, but on same token...??
H:41 W:39 Married: 13 Yrs Together 14 Yrs S:15 S:13 D:5 Bomb dropped 08 Mar 2010 Return from Iraq 28 Mar 2010 In House Separation Affair Discovered 09 Jun 2010 Divorced Jan 19, 2010
Thanks! Its a shame it has been bittersweet, as I feel had I not done my duty, perhaps things would not be where they are now. We could have gotten counseling, etc., some decisions are easier to make when you do not have to deal with the presence of the other spouse and the pain of those decisions. And guess the lack of an answer to my plea tells me much. She is moving out this weekend, basically with the words hat once she leaves, there will be no looking back.
H:41 W:39 Married: 13 Yrs Together 14 Yrs S:15 S:13 D:5 Bomb dropped 08 Mar 2010 Return from Iraq 28 Mar 2010 In House Separation Affair Discovered 09 Jun 2010 Divorced Jan 19, 2010
im sorry - it really hurts - lots of times they find out the grass isnt greener, but often too late. fighting in iraq will be nothing compared to the courage you are going to need to be around for your kids. good luck, my friend.
I will do my best, but am afraid that the damage for my teen boys is done, though she blames me for that also, (for all those that think they can hide things, teenagers are much smarter and wiser than you think sometimes)and im not sure if I should even maintain any glimmer of hope, as I think that is setting myself up for a painful time...
H:41 W:39 Married: 13 Yrs Together 14 Yrs S:15 S:13 D:5 Bomb dropped 08 Mar 2010 Return from Iraq 28 Mar 2010 In House Separation Affair Discovered 09 Jun 2010 Divorced Jan 19, 2010
its a tough decision - you can try to be there for her and see if she ever comes back, but that means likely years of unhappiness for you with only a minimal chance of her ever changing her mind. that is a very tough road to take. remember, you can still live your own life, but let her know youre there if you need her at the same time. many people on the site would say you shouldnt give someone that safety blanket, but i do like an idiot anyhow
I'm not so sure that i don't agree with the majority on that one, as I think if they see grass isn't always greener...but on same token, don't let them rash and burn, but sometimes they have to see that others will play them and leave them high and dry when things get tough, too.
H:41 W:39 Married: 13 Yrs Together 14 Yrs S:15 S:13 D:5 Bomb dropped 08 Mar 2010 Return from Iraq 28 Mar 2010 In House Separation Affair Discovered 09 Jun 2010 Divorced Jan 19, 2010
Well, I had hoped for more from the community in general as to what approach to take with this situation, but it appears that most are as confounded (sorry for the pun) as I am...
H:41 W:39 Married: 13 Yrs Together 14 Yrs S:15 S:13 D:5 Bomb dropped 08 Mar 2010 Return from Iraq 28 Mar 2010 In House Separation Affair Discovered 09 Jun 2010 Divorced Jan 19, 2010
There are so many more resources for you on the "Mid-life Crisis" board. I think you will get a lot more help there. Even if she isn't in MLC, there is a lot of good information there about "standing" for you marriage without being a doormat and such, cake-eating, etc. It is a long journey, and a lot of patiences is needed. I have been doing this for almost 4 years. I have not always been good at DBing, I have made huge mistakes, but I have changed myself in the process which is the most important thing here. I have had huge slip ups, but I am human.
Tell us more about your situation. We are here to help!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
Okay, DBers, here's one for you...how to handle this...she just moved out to her brother's house..called me today in tears, (her brother is a 33 yo single bachelor, and is kinda picky about his stuff, as is his right, he worked hard for all he has)..apparently he made comment that "this wasnt going to work" and she has said that the reason for her going to his place was to avoid apartment lease issues, etc, and to give her time "to think"...I was supportive, but did not offer help in any way, nor did she ask...but now she says she is going apt shopping, which will be a minimum 6 month lease...anyway, am trying to play it cool and just be there for her, w/o offering a way out..any advice? Oh and btw, don't know if there is OM involved in this situation or not, as I obviously have no visisbility on anything she does, and I think is best that I don't, to be frank. Any advice would be useful, and if anyone could maybe help me move this topic to the correct board, maybe that would help..hard to put it all in one message
H:41 W:39 Married: 13 Yrs Together 14 Yrs S:15 S:13 D:5 Bomb dropped 08 Mar 2010 Return from Iraq 28 Mar 2010 In House Separation Affair Discovered 09 Jun 2010 Divorced Jan 19, 2010
