Is the tide turning???????

[Sanderika]

Hi GAG,

I see positives and negatives in last night.

It was very positive for the atmosphere that XH's mood was upbeat and happy and he was receptive to flirting and teasing.
(The experience at X-MIL birthday set the mood for last night.)

It's a positive that he shared who he was talking to out in the car. (My experience has been that H shares when he wants me to know and even more when he doesn't want me to jump to the conclusion that it was the OW.)

It's a positive that XH reciprocated the pat with his paddle to you.....He was being flirtatious and the flirt went both ways in means of attention directed at your backsides. (You made XH think about yours.)

It's a positive that he did not really pull back on most of your attempts at physical contact...this one has a BUT. (See below)

It's a positive that he was able to converse in other things like movies, restaurants, his allergies, who he speaks with. (This shows his comfort level around you is improving and he is letting his guard down...this takes a long time to accomplish. IMO you have a long way to go on this one.)

IMO, when H saw the Kiss on the table and then you said you have a surprise and flirted and teased and then gave him one for "good luck" and then told him that was not the surprise you created an imagination for him, a place he started to wander to, and frankly they could have been very provocative thoughts. It appeared to you that he was "surprised" that it was speaking spanish to keep track of the score. The surprise to him was that it was not one of his "thoughts".

Face it....he's a guy and he's gonna have "thoughts". I believe that you are creating these in him but I caution that he is not ready for his "thoughts" to become reality.

I think it was a positive that you mentioned to XH that if he won he would have to buy you a drink. BUT...it was a negative that you told him you already had picked out a restaurant. It was a further negative that he told you he had already been there and he didn't like it. It should have been left that the drink would not have a schedule or timetable. It was pursuing in appearance to him that you had picked out the place and implied it would be last night after TT. XH was setting a boundary with you by telling you that he A) didn't like that place and B) couldn't do it last night. IMO the message was that he's not ready for too much interaction with you. BTW, this comes direct from my own experiences with my H.

Here's the BUT from above.....It was a negative that on the hug good-bye XH seemed to pull back slightly. I think XH is ready for fun, flirty and friendship type interactions BUT is not ready for a lot of close personal and suggestive contact. I am airing on the side of caution here. I would not rush him. Let the emotions and warm loving feelings generate naturally. Take it slow with him. He's in a place where he is interested in and enjoying you. He's also not willing to repeat history and find himself in a place he ran from.

GAG, I am not trying to give you a 2 x 4. I am fairly certain your XH is quite a bit like my H. They need to see us in a refreshing spirit and body. They need to see us as a "new" friendship first, a place where they are accepted and relaxed. Let time work in your favor. Give it time and patience to grow. Planting seeds is the first step. You still need water and sunshine. Let the warmth and nurturing do it's magic.

I completely understand the status of your "loving feelings". Of course you are discouraged, tired and stressed. This is really hard work and it is not for the faint of heart. If this is really what you want you have to work hard for it. Slow and steady wins the race. I believe that you can reconcile with your XH. It is going to take everything in your being to do it. Your XH is going to keep his guard up around you for a long time yet. He will not let it down until he is convinced that it will work with you again. BTW, this is also from my own experience.

I would not cancel next weeks TT. You need to keep this connection between you and XH going for the feelings to change and the nurturing experiences to have an impact. Let him think about you for the next week, if the game is to be canceled let him be the one to do it.

(((((GAG))))) keep journaling. Overall, I think last night went pretty well. I had way more positives in my list than negatives.
I think you are going to experience a back and forth sort of speak with how we perceive the interactions you are having. I think you are doing really well and XH is thinking about you more and more. Please do not have expectations. That is where we get into emotional trouble and end up really sad. Basically just be grateful for "what is" right now and "go with it"....

You can't do more.....if you think about it......

Have a wonderful week....

Sanderika