Well, backslide today. Sent an email asking H for lunch, meaning to try an approach the subject of if he was content or not content, trying to determine a level of commitment. There are alot of unresolved issues on my part that creep in as doubt, and with the flashbacks almost daily through this month and the holidays, they are in my head all the time. There are about 4 things that H said to me last spring, that I just can't shake: "OW is the only woman I love, the only one who can make me happy." "OW is the only one I can see being faithful to." "The easiest thing for me to do would be to stop seeing OW, and pretend to be happy. Even if I'm not."
and the most disheartening: "I promised OW that someday, somehow, we would be together."
I really need some sort of guage from H to know how we are doing. Otherwise, I see my glass as half empty and draining.
Anyway, invited H to lunch, meaning to let him know that I needed some time and attention, and somehow explain my fears. H replied he was too busy at work to get away. I said fine, but I'd like to have some of his time when it was convenient. (We have a son, live with my parents, next door to my sister, and just adopted a new puppy, and H likes to work late, and watch TV in the evenings, and we all have evening activities throughout the week.) H immediately phoned by cell - "what's wrong?" and wouldn't take nothing - we'll talk later as an answer, and the dam burst. He got angry, "I haven't done anything." "I know", I replied, "it's not about what you've done. It's my dealing with bad memories." and it went down hill. Patched it with an I'm sorry email, but I don't know what lasting impact. I gotta figure out my expectations, I guess.
