I am new here and had the bomb dropped on me 1/25/11. My husband (33) and I (35) have been together for 5 years, married for 3. This is my 2nd M, his 1st. We initially started our relationship as friends, bonding over our trying childhoods.
I thought everything was going great with my marriage. My husband has threatened D on a couple of occasions during heated fights, the last being in April 2010. Every time we would have that fight, he would call me the next day after he cooled down and would have a "change of heart" and want to work things out. This time is not like that at all. He got upset at me initially because he was going out of town that weekend to a bachelor party. I was trying to set boundaries, as he likes to go places he says he isn't going to go, and then casually mentions it in a text message while I am at work. I cannot deal with things like this at work because I am a neonatal intensive care RN..very intense and stressful job. I work 6:30pm to 7am, Friday/Sat/Sun. I do believe that this schedule has been a catalyst to our degrading relationship. We never spend time together and I admit that I have played a part in our "separate" lives under the same roof.
Well, after I tried to set boundaries, he got really upset and started yelling about how unhappy he was with me, how he loved me but was not in love with me, we weren't meant to be together, and he no longer wanted to be married to me. He also notified me that he would be seeking a D and would be moving out of our home when our current lease is up on 3/31. I of course did all the wrong things, crying, begging, pleading, guilt tripping--all this worked before and he would change his mind. He said he "wasn't going to give in to me this time" and nothing would change his mind. He stated he needed to be alone and do soul searching to figure out what he wants to do with his life and I was not to be a part of it.
The thing that confuses me the most is that he is still calling me, texting me, we sleep in the same bed..everything seems the same EXCEPT he no longer tells me he loves me and refused to ML to me. I talked with my DB coach yesterday and she feels that he is having an early MLC or personal identity crisis. I DB'd a few nights ago and followed what Michelle says when dealing with the MLC spouse and I got a very positive response. My DB coach also stated that she feels like there is a lot of hope for my marriage. He did say that he would continue to wear his wedding ring and if he ever remarried, it would be to me. I don't understand this at all!?? I realize that my communication techniques have been severely lacking and I feel hopeful that I can turn this around if he gives me the chance.
H stated that he needs to work through his issues, but will not attend MC with me. My DB coach also told me that I need to let him go, but I don't want to! This is so hard. I just want him to wake up and snap out of it, but I know it's not that easy and I have a very long road ahead of me. I am willing to wait for him and fight for our marriage, but H is telling me once he leaves, he never wants to talk to me again..that it wouldn't be fair to give me "false hope". But why keep the ring on? I am so confused and I hope that someone with some insight and experience can help.
Me: 35 H: 33 M: 3 1/2 years, together 6 years No kids Bomb #1: ILYBNILWY 1/25/11 Signed 6 month lease: 3/16/11 Separated: 4/2/11 I'm moving..alone: 9/27/11
My heart breaks for you because this is like hearing a lot of what I went through over a year ago again. It's script, it's textbook, it's sad.
There will be some who come by to give you things to read and it's good to hear you already talked to a DB coach. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this and there are tons of us just like you who are in or who have been in the same place and you will receive lots of support here.
I guess the best advice I can give you initially is to always sit back on things and not try to react when really emotional, to cultivate an extraordinary amount of patience and then some, to get yourself into counseling even if he won't go, and to protect yourself financially.
I'm so sorry. I've been where you are and I'm now divorced. I take it one day at a time, and this board has given me the support I need to make it through.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I wanted to add that in my opinion, if he's not having an affair yet, then you are probably in a better position to DB than if he is in one, although some divorces are busted even with affairs. My sitch is one of the "rare" ones MWD talks about where the spouse is "firmly out the door" and nothing works. At least short term. Maybe in a year or so when my H realizes his mistake things will change, but I really doubt it. I hope that in your case your H isn't so stubborn. The ring still staying on may indicate he is confused more than decided.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Very Confused I am responding to you, not because I have some great advice, but because it blows my mind how much your h sounds like my now ex husband. Almost the same speech. You can click on my name and ready my story but I was married almost 20 yrs. Several months before he actually was out the door he did the same thing to me that your h is doing to you. When we would fight he would threatened leaving then the next day or so say he couldnt imagine living without me. The beginning to nightmare and I didnt even know it. Then we finally had a fight and he said he wanted a Divorce. He said he had been unhappy for awhile, and that he wanted to just be LEFT ALONE to work thru whatever he was going thru. He said he was tired of answering to everyone and was tired of being married. I freaked of course and did all the wrong things. I didnt find this site until after my divorce though. Wish I had of. Anyway when he finally conveinced my to go along with the divorce he said things like. IF we work it out we can always get remarried and if I remarry it will prb. be to you. He said he WOULD NEVER marry again unless to me and that NO ONE would ever come between me and him and our son. He said NO ONE would ever live with him. Said he would always be there for me regardless. I now know he said this to get me to just go along with the Divorce without giving him any problems. He may have meant some of what he said, I dont know, but he knew how desperate I was to hear something positive at that time. He had NO INTENTIONS of coming back. My then h also told me he didnt want to give me false hope. We were intimate even after the divorce for awhile, this was me trying to hold on with everything I had in me. He would ml to me but would NOT kiss me. No kissing allowed, he said it brought up too many feeling for me and gave me false hope. All this was over 2 yrs ago. My then h was cheating on me, I caught him after he moved out. He then moved on to another young girl and is now married with a newborn. He is 43 and she is 26 I believe......we have a 20 yr. old son together. He remarried just five months after our divorce. Moved her in before that. This man that promised he would never remarry or live with anyone. I am not saying your h is having an affair but I believe that men or women just dont up and leave a marriage without something already lined up somewhere. I am not talking about a marriage where there is abuse. I am talking about a fairly good marriage. No marriage is perfect. You will question and blame yourself for alot of things. IT IS NOT YOU OR YOUR PROBLEM. HE HAS THE ISSUES. and until he figures them out you will be left in the dark. Please know that you WILL survive. GOD will help you if you let him. This board is a good place to start. There are many good people here that have been thru the same thing. You have a career, that is great, alot of people on here were financially drained......including ME! I made it and SO WILL YOU! I am not one to give advice but I will listen and answer any questions you have. God Bless You!
A heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you that responded.
Sunshine: Your sitch is heartbreaking to me. I cannot imagine how hurtful that all must have been. I'm sorry that you had to endure that kind of pain.
I have a really hard time believing that he doesn't have someone else lined up either. He was a serial cheater/womanizer when he was in his early 20's and I must admit that I have always had trust issues. I think it's always easier to leave your spouse when someone else is waiting in the wings. We had an agreement back when we were still dating that if we were interested in another person, we would tell each other before cheating. I have asked him point blank about OW being in the picture and he denies it. He knows I wouldn't take him back if he was cheating, so if he wants to get rid of me so bad, wouldn't he just tell me yes (if he was)? I just don't know what to think about this. I have to trust him..I'm just trying to get to the root of this BOMB.
I too feel like he's telling me what I want to hear so I can let him go, then he can do whatever he wants. I go back and forth between believing he will go, and telling myself that he will change his mind when the time comes to move out in March. He is completely financially irresponsible. He always has been. We never joined our checking accounts and pay our bills via separate accounts. I have always kind of felt like I was "taking care of him" financially. I love him so much, that I honestly don't care who's bank account or paycheck is bigger. He feels like lesser of a man because of our financial situation.
I know that he has lots of issues to work through, I just have to stand back and let him figure things out on his own. He was molested at age 11. He has never really come to terms with this or dealt with it via therapy and my DB coach helped me realize that I wasn't treating that situation as I should have been. I remember watching Oprah and the football player Lauvernius Coles told his story of molestation and said he could never fully trust a woman because of it. My H has NEVER trusted me. Even today he accused me of being "up to something". I tried looking nice for him when he came home, per my DB coach's recommendation(jeans and a form fitting shirt), and he asked if I had just come home from a hot date. I know this all stems from his lack of trust. I have to sleep all day! It's not like I have time to galavant around town. I don't know if this jealousy is a good thing or a bad thing right now.I think he is very ambivalent.
I'm already securing my future living arrangements so I am prepared when the time comes. I will have moved 5 times in 5 years. I nor my 11 year old cat appreciate that very much, but I will persevere. I have to! Reading all the sitchs on the board have helped me so, so much. I'm working on my 180's and GAL. I am DB'ing my butt off and will continue to do so!
Me: 35 H: 33 M: 3 1/2 years, together 6 years No kids Bomb #1: ILYBNILWY 1/25/11 Signed 6 month lease: 3/16/11 Separated: 4/2/11 I'm moving..alone: 9/27/11
