A Lovestruck Romeo Singing the Streets in Serenade

[zengypsy]

So lmk pose this question....

How does the WAS know that our actions support our words if we are seperated from them and have little to no contact?

Sorry Dever if it seems like I'm hijacking your thread, but I thought this was a good question for most of us conversing back and forth on this thread.

[2stepboogie]

That is the million dollar question. I am seperated by 1500 miles. My situation would have to be a complete leap of faith. My changes will have to come from words. If you know the answer or get one let me know

[Denver_2010]

No worries about hijacking my thread Gypsy. I don't mind you or anyone else posting questions here.

Your question is a very good one. I wish that I had a good answer for you. I posed it to my DB coach during my first session back in December. Her answer was not to worry that I would have my opportunities to show my W. I was very skeptical with that answer, but it has turned out to be true for me.

I know that the same answer may not be all that encouraging for your sitch or others'. But 2Step, you ARE having opportunities in your conversations with your W. Unless your 180 is to have a facelift or something, I don't necessarily think that you always have to have face to face contact to give your S a chance to notice your changes.

Gypsy... I know that you sitch is more difficult bc you are not having much contact. Please forgive me if I have your sitch confused with someone else, but I think that I had posted something on your thread that what you need to do is try to be your H's friend. Am I remembering this correctly? If so, my whole point was that if you want to continue DBing, and you want to eventually have these opportunities to show him your changes, that you need to make sure to leave the possibility open for that to happen. If you are friends with someone, eventually you will have chances to show them. When? Who knows. Will you have the patience or desire to stick with this that long? Only you can decide that.

That's my shot at answering that question.

BITS
Denver

[zengypsy]

That is the million dollar question. I am seperated by 1500 miles. My situation would have to be a complete leap of faith. My changes will have to come from words. If you know the answer or get one let me know

I was relying on you BITS!!! No I have to work harder to find the answer - thanks 2!

[zengypsy]

2 go to bed and get some rest. You are spreading your germs on the board....cough, cough :-)

[zengypsy]

No worries about hijacking my thread Gypsy. I don't mind you or anyone else posting questions here.

Your question is a very good one. I wish that I had a good answer for you. I posed it to my DB coach during my first session back in December. Her answer was not to worry that I would have my opportunities to show my W. I was very skeptical with that answer, but it has turned out to be true for me.

I know that the same answer may not be all that encouraging for your sitch or others'. But 2Step, you ARE having opportunities in your conversations with your W. Unless your 180 is to have a facelift or something, I don't necessarily think that you always have to have face to face contact to give your S a chance to notice your changes.

Gypsy... I know that you sitch is more difficult bc you are not having much contact. Please forgive me if I have your sitch confused with someone else, but I think that I had posted something on your thread that what you need to do is try to be your H's friend. Am I remembering this correctly? If so, my whole point was that if you want to continue DBing, and you want to eventually have these opportunities to show him your changes, that you need to make sure to leave the possibility open for that to happen. If you are friends with someone, eventually you will have chances to show them. When? Who knows. Will you have the patience or desire to stick with this that long? Only you can decide that.

That's my shot at answering that question.

BITS
Denver

Thanks Den. You did indeed put that on one of my threads and I totally agree with you. My goal is the friend thing although even then I wonder just how much contact we will have once the D is final. I hope by him saying he wants to be friends, that's it's not just saying something he knows I want to hear.

I know tht I would love the opp to show him my changes. My hope is that he'd want to get to know me again. It would be like the last ditch effort and then if it doesn't work, then I can truly say that I did everything I could. I really like ME now. I try to be this better version of myself everyday and i got my BITS and Bidets to carry me through.

Thaks for your response. It was very insightful.

[Denver_2010]

I have really been working on what love means to me. Do I have the ability to have and show unconditional love to my W?

Isn't it unconditional love that we vow to have for our S when we marry them? We promise to love them in good times and in bad times, for better and for worse? Isn't that a promise of unconditional love?

Unconditional love means withOUT conditions, right?

Wouldn't requiring a spouse love us back before we choose to continue to love them be a condition?

Don't know if this is making sense. Just journaling. Would love to get other's perspective on this.

I posted the following on Pickle's thread but wanted the words that I wrote there to be on my thread as well to remind me. So cutting and pasting:

The way that I look at it [unconditional love] is this. We love our children even though they sometimes throw fits, don't listen to us, make poor choices, get into trouble, and sometimes disappoint us bc they don't do what WE want them to do. We love them unconditionally.

The question is, do we love our spouses in the same way?

Do we love them only when they choose to love us back?

Do we love them only when they choose actions that we agree with or that also make US happy?

I struggle with this too. And if my W and I don't reconcile and she moves on with her life, there will be anger and resentment on my part. But those are personal and selfish emotions. Nothing wrong with having them, but let's call them what they are. They will pass eventually. And eventually, I will be able to recognize the love that I still have for my W. It won't be an 'in love' type of love if that makes sense. But I will still love her and wish her all the happiness in the world.

This is a true giving of love... I know that it is how I wish to be loved, so why not choose to give that kind of love?

BITS
Denver

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Denver beautiful post.

Anyone could do this and make it through if they knew all they had to do was do this for a x ammount of time and everything would be GREAT.

Most would not go through this if they knew at the end of doing everything they could their spouse wasn't going to come back no matter what.

It's the not knowing the outcome that is the true test.

[2stepboogie]

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image.

Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

[zengypsy]

You boys are tearing me up here. Such beautiful sentiments with such truth. If only...