Your post made me think of myself...when H was around and trying..that's EXACTLY what I did!!!
It made me cry just now to realize I really did ruin my chances...
Me: 40 H: 39 M: 17 yrs - Together 18 1/2yrs No kids Seperated: May 18, 2006 EA/Poss PA with OW for 6 months prior to leaving. 2nd Bomb dropped: Dec. 23, 2010
What I can't figure out completely is what I am going to do if I fail in getting it.
What is your definition of success?
How can you fail in getting it?
1) Complete success would be for me to become a better man and a better H as a result of all of this, reconciling with my W, AND having a stronger/healthier M.
I guess my definition is not so black and white though...
2) I could become a better man and potential H and NOT reconcile with my W. I would view this as partial success and partial failure. Plus, I feel that I would carry a great deal of regret over my role in failure of M going forward.
3) Complete failure would be me not learning from my situation and learning to be a better man/H... And NOT reconciling with my W.
Right now, options 2 and 3 are going to be pretty hard for me to deal with.
I only have control over what I learn from this situation. Reconciliation is very much in the my W's control right now.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Reconciliation is very much in the my W's control right now.
Don't fool yourself, it takes two, Denver, not saying it to be mean, but a new realtionship with your wife soley built on her terms? In a few years and she'll be posting here. Food for thought.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
No, I don't mean that our M would be built solely on W's terms. I realize that I could never function like that. I just mean that I can't control whether or not she becomes willing again to take a risk that our M will be better.
The wounds that she carries from our R are deep. They must heal before she will ever consider reconciling. Once they do, will she want to put herself back into a situation where those wounds were inflicted? I know that this possibility has to scare her. She may choose not to take that risk. And I cannot control that.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, it's your ole' buddy FOBD here. Man, I was getting choked up reading your pros and cons list about the OM. If I had a dollar for every time I have gone over that list in my head, I would be a rich man.
We all do what you are going through. We call them at some late hour, they don't answer, BOOM, imagination goes on vacation in some horror house of things that probably aren't really happening. Dude, one night, I was completely freaking out about the OM right before I went to bed. Later that night, I dreamed that I was lost in this abandoned hotel. I was fumbling around in the place and walked into a room with no lock on the door. The room was filthy and had abandoned furniture and broken glass all over. It was a multi-room suite and I could hear noise coming from the other room. I went in there and on a dirty mattress in the middle of the room my wife was having sex with some guy I didn't know. In the dream, I started screaming at her and trying to beat the crap out of the dude she was banging while he was trying to get dressed. Yes, pretty whacked I know. What I didn't realize is that I was actually screaming in real life. I woke up screaming and choking. I bolted for the toilet but didn't make it. I puked all over my bathroom floor...
OK, why tell you this? To let you know that you are not alone in letting this get you down. It is not good to do it, but it is going to happen and you shouldn't feel down are alone in this. Just go back to what I have told you before. When you start to feel this coming on, change your environment. Go call a friend, get on here, watch a movie, leave the house, whatever. These "imaginary affairs" are your enemy right now. They distract your mind from taking care of you and working your Db'ing plan.
Look, the other day my mind started to get the best of me. So, I asked myself how can I "turn this grain of sand irritating my mind into a pearl" just like an oyster does in the wild. I really started pondering this thing and it hit me. Here is the convo I had with myself:
Me: When did you go out and buy the DR? Me2: Well, the day after I found out about my W's little texting extravaganza with OM.
Me: OK, is he close enough to her right now to touch her. Me2: No, he is not.
Me: So, is he an immediate threat? Me2: No, not really.
Me: Have you not learned a lifetime of wisdom from the DR? Me2: Yes. Oh, dear god, YES!
Me: Would you say the R with your W has gotten better or worse since you began DB'ing? Me2: Better, much better.
Me: So, let me wrap this up. You find out about OM, panic, buy DR, join forum, get smarter, change behavior, blow wifes mind with "new" you and now you can talk with her in person for the first time in months. Sound good, so far? Me2: Yes, very good.
Me: So, in a way would it be unfair to say the presence of OM might have pushed you to conduct a change in yourself that may in the end actually save your marriage? Hmmm? Me2: Holy crap, I think you are on to something.
Me: And would you have bought the DR and started changing your life without the sudden appearance of OM? Me2: Probably not.
Me: So, what is the problem here. Sounds like this idiot sneaking into your life may actually save it. Me2: Whoa, you just blew my mind...
Now, this all seems a bit funny, but it is true. There is nothing wrong with playing little games like this with yourself if it gets you through the day and puts you in a better frame of mind. Will it work all the time? No. But it is better than sitting there miserable.
Easy does it, buddy. Whomever used the "feeding a squirrel" analogy was right on. No sudden movement, no leaping forward. I know, I have felt it too. When my W gives just opens a crack in the window that would let me see into her world, I want to leap through it like Jean Claude VanDamme. But we can't do this for the same logical reason why we can do this in real life. If someone came bursting through your window right now, you would go for a gun, not a hug...
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
FOBD - Dude , you SO rock! Your convo with self sets the script for all of us!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
i understand denver............ i actually understand how she feels...when i was in this situation last year and my husband had a change of heart, i was guarded because of things he had said to me all you can do is show her who you now are and keep the changes happening everyday show her there might be one good reason to leave, but there are one thousand reasons to stay
Thanks grr. I just wish that I had a chance to that every day. Actually, that is all that I'm wishing for right now.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Like I said, I'd give an appendage for some consistent contact with my W like you have with your W.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
