Detachment issues

[Albuquerque]

Take care Antonia. This is not easy but you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Keep focused on yourself, make yourself healthy, and continue relying on your family and friends.

I hope you find the rest that you seek.

((((Antonia))))

[courageous wife]

(((antonia)))

I am glad that you asked for help! And, that you went to the Dr! Please do take a break and take care of yourself!

[AntoniaB]

Well my illness is ending--I am back at work this week but still have bronchitis.

As for my exH, I haven't heard anything in a week or more and I"m in the best place I've been in awhile as a result. It is clear to me that I cannot be in contact with him without suffering, so I'm 100% dark, and I'm liking that very much.

[dolphin_05]

Good for you Antonia. It's wonderful to be able to recognise what it is that serves you best.

Cas

[Mila]

Antonia - glad you feel better. About being "dark"...it's for you and you need it now more the ever. I just remembered what GAG said about her time post divorce...she also had no contact with her XH and look at them now...friends again...I guess my point is that you never know what the future will bring.

Take care of yourself

(((hugs)))

[goodattitudegirl]

Antonia,

I'm glad that you finally shook that "bug". It sounded awful! I would imagine that you are a bit buried in work now trying to catch up.

Yes, after my D I went very dim. I needed to do that for myself even though Jody wanted me to be more open to XH. I just couldn't be friendlier to XH at that point.

I wasn't totally dark with XH; just very dim. I didn't initiate and when I responded to XH's texts/emails I would wait 1-2 days and answer with short replies. This lasted for 4-5 months until XH found an excuse to come to the house (needed something for taxes) and we had a very nice convo. Things started warming up after that.

Last night I posted something on Missherlove's thread that might be helpful to you right now. (Missher's D was final yesterday.) It talks about how if we can distinguish "suffering" from "grieving", and question the beliefs we hold that cause "suffering", we can suffer less as we go through our grieving processes.

((((((((Antonia)))))))))

GAG

[AntoniaB]

GAG I'm dark mainly because anything xh has sent has not required a response and I'm afraid to get in a convo with him because he says hurtful things without realizing it. I've been a lot happier being dark. I am not ruling out dim if I can handle it, but yeah, this is really one day or week at a time.

I have read Katie's book. I need to reread it. Because I've been walking around talking about suffering a lot, and the fact is that I'm grieving, not suffering. If I were suffering then everything else in my life would be a wreck and it just isn't. I spent the last 8 hours writing a conference paper and I'm feeling like I'm getting more "powerful" with each sentence. I'm feeling very proud of myself for my accomplishments. I have a lot of fulfilling things in my life now that I either didn't have before or didn't notice before. And a friend yesterday told me my exH gave me a gift: by betraying me, he gave me back to myself.

I feel more "myself" and more centered and happy with who I am more than at any point in my life. I never felt so "correct" with myself before. I don't think I was ever going to feel that way in the marriage with him as we were because I swear we just fed each other's problems/made each others' bad qualities bigger without knowing it.

And the truth is, that as much as I grieve the end of my marriage and the loss of my husband, if he came back right now, and he was no different than before, it would be the worst thing I could possibly do to take him back. I'd lose myself if I did. I'd have to KNOW that I wasn't going to lose myself in him/with him, and based on what I've seen, he hasn't changed one iota. Maybe he will someday, maybe he won't. I feel like he has to lose everything to really face himself, and so far, he found her to keep himself from facing anything.

But that's not my concern anymore. I like to tell myself it is, but I can't save him. I can only save me. And you know what? I already have.

Thanks for your post.