Detachment issues

[kissak]

Antonia,

Im so sorry your are sick and feeling this way. It is hard. I have been in tears myself over the last few days. I have good days, then when I have bad days they are really bad. It is good to have people here to know exactly what you are going through. Im really considering a therapist myself to help me get through this...after 4 years of back and forth with my H I need some help.

I really hope your week gets better (((hugs)))

[AntoniaB]

Thank you beatrice, Mila, and trusting. I really need help this week.

My mom offered to pay for me to go back to the therapist this month. I think I really need it. I just keep saying "how can I reconcile the person he is now with the person I knew for 23 years, I can't, and it's making me nuts." Am I supposed to think that he lost his mind? My husband lost his mind? If he didn't lose his mind, then the alternative is that someone else was better for him after 23 years where I thought I was "the one." What kind of choice is that for me to make?

I feel such regrets. Now the marriage is over. Why didn't any of us confront him? None of us, me, my family, his family, our friends, none of us really tried to stop him. He set the fuse and we all stood back and watched while it exploded. I really thought that the advice on the boards made sense, that we needed to give him space or he'd dig in harder. Well we did. And he did it all anyway.

Look what I just got from him in an email:

"I was well aware of your birthday yesterday but I didn't want to risk ruining it by contacting you. I hope you had a good one and that you did something fun. It [censored] that it was on a Monday but what can you do? Mine falls on a Wednesday, I think.

I assume by now that you have recieved the packet from family court. I just recieved mine yesterday. I was afraid that it arrived on your birthday but XXXX(guy he lives with) told me it actually came on Friday. I hope it was the same in your case so you at least got to celebrate your birthday free from the burden of me.

I will not be returning next door to get my hair cut and I told her so. However, we wil still need to communicate on some level due to the refinacing of the house and filing taxes. My lawyer will be finishing up the QDRO's now that I have the divorce decree and I will let you know what is happening as far as that goes."

Ok so do you know what this means? While I was receiving the divorce decree, he was spending the weekend away with OW. He didn't even get it till yesterday--though his roommate said it came Friday, which means that he was at the OW's or away with her somewhere through a long weekend.

You know in my mind I at least hoped that the day it came he'd be sad. He'd be at home and feel sad. He had told my sister that "it wasn't like he was off celebrating that he was getting divorced." Well this email above sounds like he was.

He sends me an email saying the marriage is all his failure 2 weeks ago, and now we're back to the "oh well, the papers came, end of our marriage and all, hope you had a nice birthday, ttyl."

WHO IS THIS PERSON???

I don't know how to handle this. I'm losing it. I swear I'm losing it. I thought I had a handle on things but clearly I do not.

I feel like the only way to survive is for me to pretend he is dead, but how do you just say "my spouse who I love is dead" when he walks the earth with someone else?? And I hate myself for still loving him!!! I can't stand that I care for someone who doesn't love me or care about me.

I'm just a wreck today, a huge wreck. I feel like all my progress is for nothing because I'm losing it back to square one.

I can't take anymore of this.

[AntoniaB]

Please someone also tell me what I do about that email above from him. Ignore this one too? I just want to scream at him, look jerk, I can piece together from what you've said here that you were WITH HER ALL WEEKEND. THIS HURTS ME. Either he has no idea that my mind can work that way (doubtful) or he writes that way DELIBERATELY to show off that he was off being carefree like getting divorced after 2 decades is just like a trip to the grocery store.

Do I have to lay it out for him LOOK THIS EMAIL HURTS ME? Or do I again ignore it because his chattiness is again him trying to keep us friends when I've said repeatedly I won't allow it?

[kissak]

Antonia...I know you are hurt. I wouldnt respond to his email right now or at all. I know how bad you are hurting. ITs like we get used to something and how things are, then by the time we are ok with things, something else comes up....like getting served with D papers.

Like with me, I have been ok and getting use to my H having an OW but today he changed it on his fb to actually say that he is in a R with her...and I broke down...its like things keep coming and its hard, it brings up the hurt all over again.

(((Hugs))) I wish things could be easier for all of us.

[Mach1]

Antonio,

First thing....Slow down and breathe.....

You didn't cause this, and you can't fix this

Secondly...Don't try to mind read what he is doing or not doing. How he feels or doesn't feel, because you really don't know how this is affecting him.

Thirdly.....Just ignore the email. There is nothing good that can happen , for either of you, by responding to it.

For now, get some rest, try to relax , and breathe....

[MrBond]

As hard as it is, you have to ignore it. As of this moment, he isn't your resposibility. You have to detach and start living your life without his drama.

You may find that he will send little notes to you here and there but you MUST ignore those too. He will try to push your buttons but once again you need to ignore those as well.

If there are certain correspondances that you are unsure whether or not you should respond to, continue to post them here before answering.

What have you been doing to help yourself aside from C? Now is the time to take care of yourself.

[Queen_of_Swords]

(((Antonia)))
Ignore the email.
He doesn't deserve one more minute of your valuable time or thought.

He's stealing from you Antonia. He's snuck in through a crack and is stealing your peace of mind, your comfort,security and your energy. Don't allow him take what he doesn't deserve from you.
Friends are kind with one another, they don't steal from you, they build you up, they pick you up when you're down, they do not crush you under their bootheel with deliberate actions that are cavalier and thoughtless.

He may want to be friends, you don't. Good. He doesn't deserve friendship automatically because of what was, he must EARN it.

You're strong Antonia, fall down six get up seven. You'll get up , I know you will.

[goodattitudegirl]

(((((((((Antonia)))))))))))))

It sounds as though you would really benefit from seeing a therapist right now. If your therapist is not an approved provider for your new health plan one idea could be to phone him/her and ask for the name of other providers they would recommend for you. You can then check with your insurance company to see if any of the names are providers for your new insurance policy. Your therapist will understand your dilemma. This happens all the time to patients. Your previous therapist can phone the new therapist to give them the Cliff's notes of your situation and you can sign a medical release to have your old records sent to the new therapist if you choose to do that. That way you can hit the ground running.

Another thing that might help in the short term is to write a list of things that you are thankful for. When we stop to think for a moment of how much we actually have, it can help to reset our moods. It's easy to fall prey to black and white thinking (i.e "I will never love again." "There aren't any good men out there.") but these exaggerations most likely aren't true and add to our suffering. Don't forget to breathe slowly in and out.............

My thoughts are with you.

GAG

[beatrice]

Antonia - this hurts. There is no two ways about it. It is like death, but we don't get the support through others that a widow does.

I agree, ignore the email. it isn't uncommon to get them post divorce. They don't really want to let go, feel bad about themselves. My therapist told me my h was lost to his true self. I like that expression.

MLCers are not nice people while in MLC. They are self centred, mean, often vindictive, immature . .. the list goes on. It is all about them, and how they feel and what they want.

If he thinks 2 decades is like a tirp to the grocery store he is clearly without any emotional intelligence. Would you really want to spend time with him? Being around you at present will not make him nice. Try not to dwell on the relationship with OW: They may believe they are happy, for now. It is fulfilling a need in him. Effectively the MLCer is using the OW [and vice versa]. It is NOT the relationsihp he had with you, and on some level he is probably missing this.

My therapist was great, and I had therapy in bursts as I didn't have any financial help towards it. If I had 4 sessions we would discuss the outcomes I wanted and work towards them. Sorry to keep banging on about it, but The Journey from Abandonment to Healing really does cover all of these emotions, and provide strategies for working through it. And as we all know it takes time. You will not feel this way forever. It will pass

[AntoniaB]

Thank you thank you thank you everyone who posted in the past 24 hours. I really needed the support.

I am very sick. I have flu and bronchitis. So I finally got over the embarrassment of asking for help from people and have had a friend come over and get my kitchen ready with me for the new floor going in tomorrow (this has been scheduled a long time and I may as well have it done since I can't work due to the illness), and another went to the store for me. A third is bringing me papers to grade tomorrow night. I did go to the doctor and I have an antibiotic and inhaler now and hopefully in a few days I'll start to improve. This is the worst adult illness I've ever had, and I guess that on top of the divorce being final sent me into an emotional backslide to the mindset of the day the bomb dropped.

My mom is coming in a day or so to help me get my house back in order after the floor is done and I need to ease back into grading and research. So far I'm still sleeping an absurd number of hours a day and can't accomplish anything. But I guess in a few days it's going to get easier. So for now I think I'm going to take a break from the forum for a bit and try not to be posting so much just to get my rest.

Take care everybody and thank you again. You are some of the most wonderful people on this earth.