I had the meeting with my L today and I'm so relieved. I'm going to be OK.
H will not be a happy camper, but this was his choice.
I made it through all the way to the end, and then I couldn't keep my eyes from welling up. I told the L that I guessed it didn't make any difference that I never wanted any of this...
SA, that's great news about your meeting. With all of the anxiety about it, and now the relief, you must be exhausted. Do something relaxing and renewing for yourself tonight.
Thanks for posting on my thread a couple of days ago. I've been working through things, and am beginning to find my center again. No contact with H has helped.
We will be OK. I know it.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Thank you so much for your support Mila, Twink and CW.
Little does H realize I would trade it all for the chance to try and rebuild our M and put our family back together.
I told the L that H would be angry over what he will have to pay. L said H will just have to accept it. He said he will have to realize that it is not you doing this to him, it is what the law in this state says he has to give you. That said, it will just make H further resent ever having married and having kids with me.
Little does H realize I would trade it all for the chance to try and rebuild our M and put our family back together.. . . . .
That said, it will just make H further resent ever having married and having kids with me. . . . . .
I am very sad that it has come down to this...
I think that your first sentence echoes what so many of us have felt. Apart from post bomb this is the worst bit.
As to resentment, well no-one made him to marry you, have chldren and stay around. Marriage is a contract [as well as a lot else], and your husband has decided he doesn't like it, for selfish and self centred reasons. Why should he resent you, any more than you should resent him for raising kids from his first marriage. That is what marriage [and life ] is about for grown ups.
Truly the settlement you get will not, in the long run, make a jot of difference to what your husband 'thinks' about you. I put 'thinks' as I don't actually believe they thnk much at all during this time. But the settlement will make a great deal of difference to your future life, and that of your children. If he comes out of this he will see what a jerk he has been, and if he doesn't then you need this financial protection. You have earned it, it isn't some kind of rewad for behaving nicely and not making a fuss.
It is sad it has come to this, but when it is over you will experience healing. Hard to believe, but so many of us feel better post divorce. Didn't think I would, but I did. No more dealing with a crazy and mean person
Let me just say that the crazy and mean person I dealt with since MLC wasn't like the man that I was married to before MLC.
I was willing to outlast the MLC and see what kind of man he would be if/when he emerged from the tunnel. H took that choice from me by filing. It's not like I could go back and say after the D, hold on, I changed my mind and realize I gave up too much in hopes that H would come through the tunnel, he didn't, and now I want more. Doesn't work that way. I have no option if I want to make it financially. I'm forced into a corner here.
I mention resentment of the children, and I, because that is what H told me upon leaving. He felt that all he was was a paycheck. The settlement will give his MLC brain even more justification for his feelings.
That said, I will continue down my path because I have to live post D. If I had the choice it would have been to still be living with the sane and rational H that he was before. That choice was taken from me and I have to do this to take care of the fallout from it.
Sweetie, pre MLC my h was the most wonderful husband and we had a great marriage, as I thought. I would still welcome the chance to work on the relationship,even though we are divorced, but the reality is that until they deal with themselves we will not get that chance.
I agree that MLC is an illness, and it changes the person totally. The big question is how much choice do they really have to behave as they do. Is it all driven by unresolved childhood issues, hormonal changes, depression, and chemical changes in the brain, or do they have a clear choice?
It hurts so much, but the pain lessens,as we learn to detach, and becomes bearable. It has to, otherwise we could not go on. Doesn't mean I don't still love the man he was, but I am moving on serenely [I hope!] with my life, and liking it. The liking it took a good while, I have to say.
Resentment of the children is part of the MLC script, and a sure sign of emotional immaturity. What kind of person resents the people they gave life to. My h, post bomb, told the children he never loved me, and that they were not the product of love. It as a terrible and hurtful thing to say. Fortunately they now realise he is not in his right mind but it took them a long time to deal with . . .
So happy your L gave you some peace of mind. Word of warning. If H doesn't like what he sees as possibly going down, he will try to 'get you to meet without the L's', and "we can settle this without the L's getting all the money'. Do not fall for it.
Glad you are going to be okay when this is over and done with. Financially, I mean. I always knew you would be okay otherwise. My meeting is tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed!
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
